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Original poster

More piss takers in recent years or just noticing them more

114 replies

tiredoldmum · 22/12/2013 00:09

I've noticed a lot of very lazy men in recent years who are content to do nothing and let their partner work and do every thing.

My dd is married to a lazy twunt and I am finding out I am married to a lazy twunt.

My father and 1st husband had very strong work ethics so this isn't any sort of pattern for me.

It seems to me women give far more in a relationship than any man every does but she makes excuses for him. I know I make excuses for mine as who wants to be a failure.

I don't know why we do it to ourselves. A man watches his child for an hour or puts his cup in a sink and he is a Saint.

In my case, I have found both spouses to need a lot of emotional care taking. Any appointments, card writing, picking up things, remembering things, etc. is on my shoulders. It is very draining. I'm not sure what I actually got out of being married.

I have struggled to have a good career and neither spouse was much encouraging or supportive but I was expected to do that for them.

Maybe I just picked two bad ones?

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 22/12/2013 00:15

Yes they need a mummy!!
My dp is the same and ive just stopped doing this shit.
it could be the end but i dont need another child to look after.

MissScatterbrain · 22/12/2013 08:43

Your DD must have learnt from you.

Stop letting them take the piss. Do not do their laundry, cooking, shopping or admin.

Tell them them to do their fair share of the housework.

If they refuse, its game over. Do not argue etc.

MudCity · 22/12/2013 08:50

Agree with you about being the administrator and PA behind the relationship. Present buying, card writing, food buying, holiday booking, picking up things, remembering things...all down to me.

DP always says he would have done it in HIS OWN TIME.

Not sure what that means...12th of Never I fear.

You have my sympathy.

Ledkr · 22/12/2013 08:58

You don't have my sympathy!
These men can only live like this if you enable them.
They are just as capable of doing stuff as women are.
What would they do if their partners didn't do it all?
They have survived alone before surely.
It literally makes my blood boil thinking about it.

BohemianGirl · 22/12/2013 09:12

If you have poor judgement in picking a partner, then your daughter will copy you. If persist in mollycoddling and and doing everything rather than a fair division of tasks, you have only yourself to blame.

I've never met a man like some of you describe, I really have no idea where you find them, or why you have relationships and children with them

Biscuitsareme · 22/12/2013 13:20

Am with Bohemiangirl here. Why persist in being a martyr? Spend your time and energy on YOU and stop enabling him.

Not wanting to have a go at you but in rl I have no time for friends who whinge about their useless partners yet continue to enable them. We're all adults, we can all pull our weight, and if we don't it's only normal for the relationship to die eventually and the more responsible person to move on.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 22/12/2013 18:11

Not sure how to respond to these comments. I think some are having a go at me.

Wasn't asking for sympathy.

Was asking if it seems there are more lazy men these days?

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 22/12/2013 18:23

Why do some women want to always play the martyr card.

No one has put a gun in your hand and forced you to do anything.
Like what someone else said, they have survived alone before.

Onesleeptillwembley · 22/12/2013 18:26

Nope - it's you accepting this. Condemning a whole sex because you chose a Tosser is completely unfair.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 22/12/2013 18:27

TOM, I think there as many lazy men as women that will enable them. That isn't a dig at you, love. I have done my fair share of being taken for a ride, and it was always within my power to take control of the situation.

That is not to discount emotionally or physically abusive relationships. The dynamics involved there require a different approach.

the thing is though, where does "lazy entitled husband" morph into "abusive twat". It's a fine line.

Golddigger · 22/12/2013 18:33

This is at least the third thread about this issue this week.

One of the bottom lines is that men in general are happy to live in more of a tip than women. So women usually eventually give in and do it.

Also, rose tinted love goggles go on for women quite early in a relationship. Sometimes before any mention of housework has ever been spoken about.

Handywoman · 22/12/2013 18:34

Nobody is having a go at you tired I think this issue stirs up very strong feelings. My ex was a lazy twunt and there are definitely lots of them about. I also think that the institution of marriage and birth of the first child can bring on a sudden presumption of 1950s roles so the twuntishness can creep in very subtely. Some women are perfectly happy to treat men like children but not me, that's why I am LP because I felt that staying in my marriage went against my very deeply held belief that marriage and parenting should be a partnership.

Lweji · 22/12/2013 18:36

That's probably why single women live longer than married women and married men live longer than single men.
Or something like that.

It's sad, really.

Handywoman · 22/12/2013 18:38

Yes Lweji it is sad.

And yy to this : the thing is though, where does "lazy entitled husband" morph into "abusive twat". It's a fine line.

justmethen · 22/12/2013 18:38

I definitely think more and more men are avoiding working for a living but are quite prepared for their partner to work.

Handywoman · 22/12/2013 18:40

I gave my ex enough clear chances to improve/take responsibility for his behaviour. In the end he pleaded with me to simply 'correct him' as he went a long but I left because I wanted to be married to an adult and with him that was not an option. I feel a mug but really the rot set in with the first child.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 22/12/2013 18:42

Yes, just I agree with you there. Cocklodging does seem to be a lifestyle choice for some men, and I never realised how common it was until I came onto MN

Women's empowerment working against them on that one

Going back to the 1950's would be a bad idea for many reasons but at least the idea of the bloke in a partnership not working was pretty unthinkable.

MudCity · 22/12/2013 18:46

tiredoldmum please don't let some of these posts get you down.

I understand what you mean and did not view your post as condemning all men at all.

I think, in the old days, there was often a much clearer division of labour between men and women. Men went out to work and were the main breadwinner; women stayed at home, did the housework and raised the children. Now the division of labour is sometimes less clear and we are juggling much more. That can leave one person in the relationship doing more than the other around the home.

I hope you manage to get a bit of a rest over Christmas.

Lweji · 22/12/2013 18:49

It must be really ingrained, though.

It is commonly seen in more "primitive" societies that men spend a lot of time walking about hunting or shepherding, while women carry out the less important tasks of collecting or growing the main staple diet, whilst taking care of the children ad other routine tasks Although the protein brought in is important, the division of labour is highly unequal.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 22/12/2013 18:50

TOM, we are on your side

It isn't fair and it isn't right. But so many women find themselves in this situation. The worst thing you could do is take the hump and think "he isn't so bad after all"

Sort it out. And if that isn't possible, consider ending the relationship. The decision really is as simple as that if you feel strongly enough about it. The logistics are fucking horrendous of course, but there are people to help with that.

MrsDeVere · 22/12/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arsenaltilidie · 22/12/2013 18:56

I definitely think more and more men are avoiding working for a living but are quite prepared for their partner to work

I don't know how many times I've heard women wishing they'd marry a rich man.
Anyway women and men should share the burden of bringing the money home and more SAHD should be encouraged.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 18:59

I don't know if there are more, all I know is that I picked the right one and he's certainly not lazy.

And yes, I do think a lot of women get treated how the expect to get treated or are treated worse because they put up with it. It took years for my husband and I to work out what we want and expect from one another and that's constantly evolving.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 19:02

arsenal YOU may well think that bringing in an income should be shared but luckily you aren't part of my marriage and hubby and I are quite happy setting out our own expectations of our marriage so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

LessMissAbs · 22/12/2013 20:04

I've noticed this too - FIL took early retirement at 53 from a pretty easy job and never worked again, while MIL continued until full retirement age in a demanding career. I always found that pretty shocking and I often think its affected DH's work ethic, as he never seems to push himself that extra mile as far as work is concerned.

My theory is that until recently, its been relatively easy for a lot of men to coast along in jobs for the boys type positions without putting too much effort into their careers, and it doesn't work that way so much any more, hence they don't bother at all.

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