More piss takers in recent years or just noticing them more

[tiredoldmum]

I've noticed a lot of very lazy men in recent years who are content to do nothing and let their partner work and do every thing.

My dd is married to a lazy twunt and I am finding out I am married to a lazy twunt.

My father and 1st husband had very strong work ethics so this isn't any sort of pattern for me.

It seems to me women give far more in a relationship than any man every does but she makes excuses for him. I know I make excuses for mine as who wants to be a failure.

I don't know why we do it to ourselves. A man watches his child for an hour or puts his cup in a sink and he is a Saint.

In my case, I have found both spouses to need a lot of emotional care taking. Any appointments, card writing, picking up things, remembering things, etc. is on my shoulders. It is very draining. I'm not sure what I actually got out of being married.

I have struggled to have a good career and neither spouse was much encouraging or supportive but I was expected to do that for them.

Maybe I just picked two bad ones?

And that forces a can I continue like this thought,yes,no,don't know response
No woman is so beholden that change can only be initiated by a man
The woman can initiate her,won't do it any more response.no she can't compel the adult male,but she can control or alter her own responses

It's a fine line between enabling someone to make a positive choice and being so lacking in empathy in your delivery that you essentially add another layer of "you are useless" to the message these women are getting from their selfish, lazy (and emotionally abusive) partners.

I try very hard not to cross it. Scottishmummy, you cross it all the time, certainly on MN.

Cross the line,aka you don't like my posts,you're not a moderator.they decide the line

I've said no woman has a complete lack choice,irrespective of what partner tells us
I've also said people will act,initiate something when they're ready.
But no I don't agree a woman is stuck just because a man says no

There are no moderators and I wasn't talking about whether your posts were delete-worthy or not.

It's tricky,and yes if a woman confidence is eroded she'll feel incapacitated
That's what the headfuck is,the belief you'll not manage or not be believed
The statutory and/or voluntary service can assist women in abusive relationships.just because abuser says no doesn't make it so

I have to say I agree with sparkly it was also when dc1 was born that we went from an equitable split to me doing everything pretty much round the house and with the dc. I was actually reluctant to have dc2 so disappointed was I with the experience of our 'family life' but discovered I was pregnant by the time I admitted this feeling to myself. With dc2 I became depressed from feeling so unsupported (I was also working from home and took barely any mat leave because money was tight). Over the course of ten years the fundamental, deep-seated belief that he was entitled to sit on the sofa while I ran around doing everything never changed. It's not like I never told him. He was an angry and at times verbally abusive and intimidating man too. In the end the only option was to get out. By that time our relationship was unrecognisable from when we met.

I believe you, HW

My relationship was the same as yours Hw.

So looking forward to this Christmas when I won't have a H repeatedly asking me to take him to the pub and pick him up, even though I have told him I find it unacceptable.

Put up or leave is often the advice given. Well yes that is what happened to me and now I am in the delightful throes of a very acromomious divorce and whilst I know 100% that it is the right thing to do, I really think why the hell don't some people try to adapt and do what they promised they would pre wedding vows.
My stbx did cook, clean and the domestic chores were all equally shared believe me, BEFORe my dc came along and then, as if by magic, it started to evaporate. It was a very gradual slip, otherwise I think the leaving would have happened much sooner for me.

Don't regret having to divorce although I say again what a sad flaming state of affairs it is to have to come to that.

Exactly fv I keep having weird reality checks thinking did this actually happen? Seems incredible. Ex still doesn't see it. I am very wary of him and not looking forward to sharing Xmas morning here with him. But the rest of Xmas prep has been so nice without the snappiness.

Well I have had an absolutely fantastic Christmas with my new man.

We both cooked and washed up. Then had fantastic sex!!!

All without the hassle of being asked to take /pick him up from the pub, then repeatedly told that "this is what men do." All the while not feeling comfortable with it but having 2 choices of put up or argue and spoil Christmas for myself and dc whilst ex sulked.

I was with my ex 4 years before getting married and believe me he was great then. Please do not assume that women know what they are getting into before they commit, men often change for the worse.

My late ex husband did loads around the house, loads. He worked, he made tea for us all a few times a week. He helped with the dishes, gave me a lay in once a week, we took the night feeds in turn, he did just as much housework as I did at the weekends. We shared things pretty equally.

He re-married and he changed a lot, he did very little around their house. He was pretty lazy and probably only cooked a few times in the 8 years they were together before he died two weeks ago.

The difference? I would not have married someone who thought it was my job to do everything. I would not enable it or stand for it. It just would not happen. Funnily enough, before he passed I asked him why he no longer cooks and he replied with 'Well, I didn't have much of a choice when we were married, I wouldn't have got away with not pulling my weight'

I was told by a fried that I was lucky to have had two husband who do so much around the house no, I am not lucky, we should not expect or put up with anything less.

Yes, I have noticed it. I dont know if its men taking advantage of equality laws to say 'well you wanted to be equal didnt you' but Im surprised at how many men are financially dependent on their wives, or are 'finding themselves' on their wife's time & money, or simply havent settled down at 40+, acting like recycled teenagers, and talking about still not having found 'the one'. Im 50. Just seems so different from when I grew up. All my friends & relatives parents were together. Some women worked, some didnt. But the men mostly had a strong work ethic. & I know its said women are better off, more choices nowadays...ok, thats a good thing. But judging by the sheer number of posts on the Relationship boards choices havent stopped women having a load of shit to put up with. There are still good men about. That makes the sheer number of patently useless men who probably moan about women wanting to wear the trousers, whilst happily allowing them to (!) more visible in comparison.

@Andy1964

MerryFuckingChristmas "You were deleted for troll hunting, Andy. No need to thank me."

And as I said, I was NOT troll hunting. I was calling it as i saw it. The OP was clearly posting inflamatory comments, needlessly.
I even posted the definition of what a *** is but you clearly didn't understand that.
All you saw was a member of the opposite sex sticking up for men in general and took offence. What you didn't see is that I agreed with her, in that she shouldn't have to put up with laziness and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

May i suggest that you read thoroughly posts that other people make on here and not have a knee jerk reaction to a man posting comment in a female dominated board.

Your post was deleted because of the "OP, what a load of old rubbish" remark, which led us and those who reported it to believe that you were troll hunting.

We do ask that any concerns about any poster, whether it's because they are posting PAs or because you're concerned that they may be stretching the truth somewhat, are reported to us and not posted on the thread as it can often cause upset for those who are falsely accused.