Sleep-sex?

[GollyGosh1]

Have only registered to post this topic after chatting to a friend who is on mn and will probably be reading this, though she won't tell me her 'name'.

Anyway, I was telling my friend how earlier this week I woke in the middle of the night with my husband's fingers all over me, and inside me. Should stress that I'm very happy with him and was very happy for us both to enjoy a sleepy fondle and then, well, go back to sleep! Only the second time this has happened in ten years but it's been fun both times.

Anyway, mentioned this to my friend as thought it was quite funny and was surprised at her response. She felt strongly that I'd been abused (despite being good friends with my husband) on the basis I hadn't consented. We chatted/argued (in a good natured way) for a while and in the end agreed that I'd post this message to see what others thought.

Submissive and tied up, I can understand.

Experiencing being raped, I just don't understand. I can't imagine why somebody would desire that. At best I guess it's a misunderstanding of rape.

Re-enacting rape fantasies is a complete contradiction in terms, surely ?

Rape fantasy isn't rape though. It is agreed and defined in advance, so the key factor of consent is already in place. A safe word would be used to ensure that consent is continued.
It is a contradiction - it probably needs a better term, because it most definitely isn't rape!

Agree.

The point about rape never being about sex, and always being about power, I know that's said a lot and is generally accepted as true. But do you think it's always true in the context of rape within a relationship?

You see my ex had also claimed at one stage that he was so overcome with desire that he couldn't help/control himself, which is about the sexual desire and not about power specifically. Well that's how he made out anyway. Or do you think that's just what rapists would say to justify their behaviour? It was clear later on he was abusive sexually, but not at this earlier point where it was more like a fantasy of his got out of control.

I still think that rape is more about power than sex. In the scenario you describe Matilda, sex may have been a factor, IR may have even been his excuse, but it sounds like he wanted control over you. The fact that it was an abusive relationship shows that he wanted authority over you and wanted you to do what he wanted, how and when he wanted it. It was his desire for control, not sex. You will not say no while I do this to you. That isn't normal sex, that's power.
Healthy sex always needs mutual desire - even if the roles taken at the time are not equal.

Sleep sex is lovely. I am in a committed relationship with my husband. We have sex, I love him, and enjoy sex, and taking and giving pleasure. The assumption in such a relationship is that it is ok, unless otherwise stated. neither of us would continue if the other objected, why would we, it is about mutual pleasure.That feeling of being roused from sleep by being aroused is a treat.

Lucy, what you are describing is sleepy sex.
Arousing someone, if they like it, to wake them up is fine.
But have you awaken to your OH already penetrating you?

I can see that in the OP's case, and others, it's easy for the partner to go a bit further because we often seem more awake than we actually are when being woken up. We may start responding, even verbally, before we actually become conscious.
So, there could be a thin grey area.

But the thin grey area can be turned black or white with communication and respect for eachother.

MW, bottom line ?

Your ex is simply a lying, excuse-making, woman-hating rapist

Nothing more to say really (in my eyes)

I think if you enjoy it and your partner knows that, and would stop in any case the minute you expressed dislike, it's fine.

Personally I hate sleep sex. When I am dead tired or sleeping, my body is completely unresponsive to any attempts to turn me on, it feels just in no way pleasurable, more like a fly I have to swat away. My DP tried to initiate sex when I was dozing once or twice early in our rerelationship, and I made it clear that I was never going to be up for sex in those circumstances. He understood, and has never tried again. On the other hand, he loves being woken up by touching or intimacy, so its not a problem for us if it's the other way round

I suggest you create your own thread and let this one lie, ocb.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT! ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT! ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!