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Original poster

My Ex wants my son over Christmas

148 replies

DozenRoses · 21/12/2013 19:51

Hello

Can you please tell me what you'd do if you were me.

I am 26 years of age I have a son who is 7 years of age I am no longer with his father we broke up when my son was 1 years of age due to me finding out the type of person he really was, I ask whoever reads this and comments to please not judge me as a person. To cut a long story short...

My Sons father recently came out of prison 3 months he spent 8 months in there and was found not guilty on a very serious charge, he has been in prison 3 times since I broke up with him and they have always been very serious charges but whenever it goes to court he is always found not guilty because witness and victims are scared to testify again him and his "gang"

During the time he was in there this time I did let his family have access to my son as they haven't done anything wrong, on the first occasion I let them have him on the weekend my son came home and told me that his 'uncle' had taken him to see his dad in (school) prison, and that his nan had told him not to tell me that he'd been there, I called her and told her very nicely that I don't want my son going back there, she said that I shouldn't keep him away from his dad but said she will not let him go there again.

Now my Sons dad is out I have been letting him see my son, first it was just for the day every Saturday, then he said that he wants to have him from Friday night to Saturday night which I wasn't comfortable with but I let him, my son is on a strict bed time routine he is allowed to go to bed at 9.30 on weekends, when I call him to say goodnight he is never ready for bed, he is either playing a games console our out driving with his dad, there was a time when his dad allowed him to sleep over at his 'cousins' house which I wasn't too happy about, can you blame me? I don't know them and anything could have happened to him.

His Dad makes me feel like a rubbish parent, he will say to me "Why is he dressed like that?" I refuse to dress my son in designer clothes as I feel as they are a waste of money, but that is all his father wants him wearing which is pathetic my son is 7 he doesn't care what he wears. He will also ask me "Why doesn't he have this?" I refuse to buy expensive toys for my son the budget for his Birthday and Christmas is £50, a lot of people say that I am mean, but I won't spoil him with material things, the only thing I will spoil him with is love.

Now we are approaching Christmas his dad has "told" me that he wants him he wants him now until he goes back to school. And now my son has got it in his head that he will be spending Christmas with his dad and "cool friends and family" and that he is excited to open all his presents under their Christmas tree. During the 8 months his dad was in prison he went back to the "normal" child he was, now whenever we are out he will ask for expensive toys and games and when I say no he will go into a strop and not speak to me, also his behaviour has changed again at school, he has gone from being "a pleasure to teach" to hitting other children and not listening.

I don't want my son spending Christmas and new year with his dad, (also to mention that my son suffers from sickle cell anemia and could go into crisis at any time) but I don't know how to tell him that he won't be having him over Christmas, and also I don't know how my son is going to take the news I don't want to ruin Christmas for him, nor want him spend Christmas with a man who sells drugs and has been arrested for murder and gun charges.

I do want to cut of all communication with his dad but scared my son will hate me for it.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 21/12/2013 20:01

I am not sure I have any great advise..this man sounds very scary but also can't dictate when he has your son...

I can also understand your desire to get him out of your sons life but its not that easy or simple..My DS's dad stopped seeing my son when he was 3 and it took him about 2 1/2 years to get over it...

Hopefully someone will have some helpful advise ..good luck

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/12/2013 20:02

Have you called social services? Drugs, health, etc. all seems to me that they may well support you in limiting contact.

DwellsUndertheSink · 21/12/2013 20:06

Your child cannot be the one to drive this decision. He is 7. You need to be the adult and make the decision on his behalf. Go through the courts. Get a formal agreement in place. That way, if your ex tries to deviate or cause issues, you have the protection of the court.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2013 20:14

Your ex cant "tell you" to do anything. Its a no brainer here. He stays with you

Original poster
DozenRoses · 21/12/2013 20:17

I appreciate you all replying.

What is the procedure of me going through the courts? I don't want him seeing my son at all and if I make him aware of that I think he would try and take him away from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DozenRoses · 22/12/2013 08:25

????

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 22/12/2013 08:47

The first step is to see a solicitor - most will give a free half hour, in which you outline the situation and your concerns, and they tell you what is and isn't possible. To get a range if opinions, you can get free half hours with several solicitors, although it would be diplomatic not to say 'the other solicitor said...' at any point!

I take it, from your OP, that your ex had regular contact with his son for about 5 years, from when you split up, to when he was sent down?

Monkey139 · 22/12/2013 09:03

What about trying Citizens Advice Bureau for help/support. I have no experience with them but seems like a sensible route to take?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

TheBookofRuth · 22/12/2013 09:07

Please get legal advice and get a formal access arrangement sorted. Please. Otherwise I suspect your ex will bully into accepting his (unreasonable) terms for access.

You needn't be worried about your ex getting custody of him. You sound like a brilliant mum, and no court is going to take a child away from a stable, loving parent and it give to a repeat offender.

BohemianGirl · 22/12/2013 09:09

Seriously? I would be moving away, changing my name and going underground.

I would be calling crimestoppers. Operation Trident? I would be dobbing him and drug culture right in it.

coffeeandcream · 22/12/2013 09:13

I don't know anything about how situations like this are managed it resolved, but maybe your local citizens advice bureau could point you in the right direction?

fifi669 · 22/12/2013 09:20

It's going to be difficult arranging solicitors appointments over the festive period. I think I'd try and sort a compromise that you have him Christmas, he has him Boxing Day. At least that way you might throw him off the scent if you see what I mean.

Long term it doesn't sound like lots of unsupervised contact is the way forward at all. Driving around with his dad at night??? I'd stop overnight visits and maybe only allow contact through a contact centre.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 22/12/2013 09:24

Walkacrossthesand, I have always given him access to my son even though ever since I found out what he does I didn't want my son to carry on seeing him. Monkey139 I would go to CAB but I don't really want them knowing my business I have a fear of social services getting involved. TheBookOfRuth I feel like I am being bullied now, he doesn't ask me he tells me. My son still thinks he is spending the Christmas period with him I see haven't brought myself to tell him yet. I try my best to be a good mum but it seems as if my son is now picking his dad over me because he can now have anything he wants.

BohemianGirl I have no where to go and I don't want to take my son away to a new environment. To contact crimestoppers you need evidence which I don't have and I believe the police are very corrupt he has been arrested for very seriously charges and when it goes to court he gets found not guilty, the last time he was in prison I prayed that he wouldn't be so lucky, everyone knows what he is about but nothing ever happens to him. Sorry for the rant I just need to get it all out! I just want my life to go back to how it was when he was locked up, my son is changing every single day it feels as if I am loosing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DozenRoses · 22/12/2013 09:30

Fifi669, there is no negotiating with him, and I don't know how he'd react to me saying he can only see him through a contact centre, I am pretty much on my own here as I don't have much family to stand up for me. When he has lots who always dictate to me.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 22/12/2013 09:32

Your XDP is obviously used to getting whatever he wants and isn't afraid to use force to get it. If you are going to keep your son away from his father you need the support and backing of the legal processes. That means going to CAB, social services, the police, the school, anyone at all you can to get them on your side. Otherwise you risk letting your son be sucked into his father's way of life. To save your son you need to get over CAB knowing your business and take your chances with social services.

MasterP0 · 22/12/2013 09:32

I think arranging solicitors and getting that ball rolling at this time of year is going to be a very slow process, I've no experience in these types of circumstances, but I would imagine social services would be able to act quicker given the fact that you don't want him spending THIS Christmas with him???? But think very hard and long before opening up THAT Pandora's Box (Social Services)!

To me as a mother I know exactly which one I'd choose (SS)!

GOOD LUCK OP

cjel · 22/12/2013 09:34

There are 24 hours solicitors that you can contact, so I would try that route first so that you know what you can and can't do legally. I wouldn't have any worries that he wil be taken away from you, as you say you are being bullied and you don't need to be. Your ds may find it hard that you have stopped this plan but in the long run you have to decide how you would like him to live and the way you describe some of his life with his dad doesn't sound what you want for him Go through the legal route and it will be sorted once and for all.

fusspot66 · 22/12/2013 09:36

hi Roses, sorry if I'm blunt here, but you're fearful of social services? Why? SS are there to protect children and support the parent who is protecting the child. Your son could stop a bullet meant for his arse of a father if he's driving round at night with him. Sorry to say that but I feel sick with fear for you both, and I'm a complete stranger to you. you need to limit or stop this contact before your son loses his values (or worse)

Original poster
DozenRoses · 22/12/2013 09:37

LadyGardenersQuestionTime If I contact social services will I get in trouble for allowing him access to my son? MasterP0 Christmas is in 3 days, no would I go about contacting them? Is there a number that I ring or a place that I go to? Thanks for wishing me luck I sure need it xx

OP posts:
cjel · 22/12/2013 09:39

I'm not sure that ss should be first call although they willl always have an 'out of hours' number you can ring.
I don't know where you are but I'll PM you.

fusspot66 · 22/12/2013 09:43

you are only just finding out about the lifestyle your boy is witnessing whilst with his father. his father has always been a bad un so that is not news to anyone. and some really evil people are fiercely protective of their children in a good way, keeping their dirty deeds well away from the child s orbit. this man is not keeping your son safe. this is what you are acting on. you will be forgiven for feeling intimidated by him .

whattoWHO · 22/12/2013 09:45

Dozen roses what were your plans for Christmas before your ex started making these demands? If I were you, idy be telling my son that arrangements are already made and you'll talk to his father about what day would be convenient to go there.
I'd also be getting some professional support to formalize an access agreement.
Please try to trust SS, they are on the side of your DS and can help you in this very difficult situation.
Good luck.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 22/12/2013 09:49

Fusspot66 It is just the paranoid fear that they will take him away from me, thanks for showing concern I appreciate it, yes he is evil but very overprotective over my son and I am very intimidated by him. Cjel thanks for the information I live in London I'm going to do an online search now.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 22/12/2013 09:49

To contact crimestoppers you need evidence

No you don't, suspicion is enough.

I'm sorry but it's your job to protect your child. Already he is thinking his fathers family is glamorous. Carry on, and it will be you visiting your son behind walls in roughly 10 years.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 22/12/2013 09:51

Jeez op you need to get over your problem with SS and get them to help you and your son. It's a dangerous criminal world you are delivering your child to whenever you hand him over to your ex and his family. Like the poster before said you need to get this sorted before something terrible happens to your son. Stop contact now. He can't do anything via solicitors now anyway regarding Christmas as it's too late. Then as soon as it's business as usual you get yourself a solicitor and get some legal advice. Good luck op.