My Ex wants my son over Christmas

[DozenRoses]

Hello

Can you please tell me what you'd do if you were me.

I am 26 years of age I have a son who is 7 years of age I am no longer with his father we broke up when my son was 1 years of age due to me finding out the type of person he really was, I ask whoever reads this and comments to please not judge me as a person. To cut a long story short...

My Sons father recently came out of prison 3 months he spent 8 months in there and was found not guilty on a very serious charge, he has been in prison 3 times since I broke up with him and they have always been very serious charges but whenever it goes to court he is always found not guilty because witness and victims are scared to testify again him and his "gang"

During the time he was in there this time I did let his family have access to my son as they haven't done anything wrong, on the first occasion I let them have him on the weekend my son came home and told me that his 'uncle' had taken him to see his dad in (school) prison, and that his nan had told him not to tell me that he'd been there, I called her and told her very nicely that I don't want my son going back there, she said that I shouldn't keep him away from his dad but said she will not let him go there again.

Now my Sons dad is out I have been letting him see my son, first it was just for the day every Saturday, then he said that he wants to have him from Friday night to Saturday night which I wasn't comfortable with but I let him, my son is on a strict bed time routine he is allowed to go to bed at 9.30 on weekends, when I call him to say goodnight he is never ready for bed, he is either playing a games console our out driving with his dad, there was a time when his dad allowed him to sleep over at his 'cousins' house which I wasn't too happy about, can you blame me? I don't know them and anything could have happened to him.

His Dad makes me feel like a rubbish parent, he will say to me "Why is he dressed like that?" I refuse to dress my son in designer clothes as I feel as they are a waste of money, but that is all his father wants him wearing which is pathetic my son is 7 he doesn't care what he wears. He will also ask me "Why doesn't he have this?" I refuse to buy expensive toys for my son the budget for his Birthday and Christmas is £50, a lot of people say that I am mean, but I won't spoil him with material things, the only thing I will spoil him with is love.

Now we are approaching Christmas his dad has "told" me that he wants him he wants him now until he goes back to school. And now my son has got it in his head that he will be spending Christmas with his dad and "cool friends and family" and that he is excited to open all his presents under their Christmas tree. During the 8 months his dad was in prison he went back to the "normal" child he was, now whenever we are out he will ask for expensive toys and games and when I say no he will go into a strop and not speak to me, also his behaviour has changed again at school, he has gone from being "a pleasure to teach" to hitting other children and not listening.

I don't want my son spending Christmas and new year with his dad, (also to mention that my son suffers from sickle cell anemia and could go into crisis at any time) but I don't know how to tell him that he won't be having him over Christmas, and also I don't know how my son is going to take the news I don't want to ruin Christmas for him, nor want him spend Christmas with a man who sells drugs and has been arrested for murder and gun charges.

I do want to cut of all communication with his dad but scared my son will hate me for it.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

You seem to think you have to accept crap comments from your ex's family. You don't. You don't even have to let them anywhere near your son. If he is in hospital tell the staff that you don't want them visiting. You have to protect your son and make the right decisions for him.

Not standing up to a bully because even the police struggle? Well, find someone who will protect your child.

Never give in to bullies.

DozenRoses no I think stopping all contact is the way to go. I was only checking what you said as reading it the way you typed it says you don't want to stop all contact. I wanted to confirm your meaning without bringing grammar into it, but couldn't find another way of asking :).

FWIW, I have seen (in a previous job) three generations (Grandfather, Father and Son) all in prison together at the same time. They get into the family way of life from witnessing it first hand and it spirals :(. I think keeping your son as far away from his father and his family as possible is a very wise thing to do and I too would say move away, change school etc. You cannot be too careful.
Good luck to you; you sound like a great Mummy.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage I am not a very strong person but I'd like to be, I was in a relationship with a lovely man who was helping me build back up my confidence he got on very well with my son and was a very good role model, I was happy until my sons dads family started asking him questions such as do I allow any other people in the house, which was they then passed on to his dad who then told my son to tell me and him that he said that he doesn't want my partner to speak, look or go near him.

SoloXantiaClaw sorry I mean I do want to stop all contact, I need to take predictive text off and thanks I do try my best to be a good mother to my son.

DozenRoses - you are a great mum, and I hugely admire you for everything you are doing for your son.

I wonder if it might be better not to try to go completely no contact, on your own, before you have advice and support from SS, would there be escalating repercussions from your ex which you might find difficult to deal with on your own? Yes do go no contact if you can with SS and legal advice in place, backing you, and you will be in a much stronger position and feel stronger too.

Definitely warn police and take advice about the trip to Jamaica.

You could however educate your ds about Jamaica, its problems with drugs and violence etc, and its good points (not sure if he is old enough for this?)

Is there something exciting you could do over the Christmas holidays with your son, to try to counterbalance the excitement offered by your ex? Experiences rather than material goods. Perhaps see some of the tourist sights or go to some sporting match.

Medium term, I suggest you look for positive role models, if they are Jamaican, even better.

What about visiting sports clubs, meet the athletes, hear their stories and watch how hard the athletes train, how they work hard, deny themselves drugs, deny themselves alcohol. Get the message across that success does not come without hard work. Could you follow the progress of the athletes each week. Perhaps there is a fan club for Usain Bolt which he could join.

Or what about role models in business? Perhaps there is an MP you might wish your son to meet. Perhaps there is someone like Bill Morris? or a doctor? Perhaps someone who is successful in an area you think your son would be interested in and he could shine in.

Role models might highlight for your son what a loser your ex is.

Without ever saying so, can you quietly work towards this? (ds seeing dad's way of life as a loser?) It might not be a bad thing if your ds sees his dad in prison the next time, let him see his dad at a disadvantage, and that there are consequences to the exciting lifestyle. Perhaps when he is older, take your son with you volunteering at a soup kitchen or hostel, to show him (without expressly saying so) the consequences of drug and alcohol addiction.

I looked up sickle cell anemia on the nhs website and see that drugs, smoking and alcohol can trigger a crisis. Does your ex know this? If not, is there any way of educating your ex about the illness so he will take better care of him. Also, if your ex does not know about the ramifications of the disease, make sure he does, possibly he might lose interest if he thinks his son will not grow up to be a tough gang fighter?

Seriously plan to move home, job, everything out of reach of your ex, away from his influence, without telling ex. It would be the only way to make nc permanent, and the best thing for your own future and peace of mind.

xxxx

OP - I think when you have a child you become a strong person by default. You have to become strong as your child can't fight for themselves.

I explained to my son that he won't be spending Christmas with his dad and we will be spending it with my friend and her children. I told him that it is not nice to make plans then cancel them to do something else, as advised I told him that his dad will be spending it with his family so he won't be alone. He took me telling him this very badly, he started kicking and punching me he has never done anything like this before I don't know why he reacted like that I did expect him to be upset but not hit me, I am still in a little bit of shock he went off to his room, I didn't follow him in straight away I left it around 45 minutes, he was laying ontop of his bed asleep. This is not my child I don't know what has gotten into him, do you think it is right for me to think of an punishment for him? Or should I act like nothing has happened? I now have a feeling that he is going to misbehave until I give in which I will not.

I wouldn't act as though it didn't happen but at the moment I'd also not tell him off. Say that you are very sad that he hit you and that he should never hit anyone in temper.say it makes you sad that he is so upset. Say you know he is excited about seeing his dad but that this christmas day it isn't possible to see him. Say you love him very much and that you are sad about how upset he is. I may then be tempted to ask is there anything upsetting him and making him so angry that he hit you, but he may use christmas day and the fact that you are 'stopping' him see his dad as the reason.

Filingdrives me mad. I think I am going to go for no contact at all. I don't think he is older enough for me to educate him about his fathers place of birth and I don't want him to know about drugs and violence as I feel he is a little to young for that, he has only just turned 7. I do take my son out a lot we hardly spend time in the house he loves buses even though I drive he loves public transport. I take him around London especially to museums and zoos, this is what I do instead of buying him toys/material things.

I doubt my ex knows anything about what can trigger of a crisis, he does drink a lot and smoke a lot of cannabis, which I have pleaded him not to do around my son, I believe he doesn't want my son to grow up just to be like him and I don't ever think he will lose interest in him.

Once I am in contact with social services I will find out it they have a service that can rehouse me I know it is something that I have to do but it isn't going to be fair on my son that we have to up and leave everything behind because of his dad

DOZENROSES. Your son will be young enough and hopefully innocent enough to enjoy moving with you and exploring a whole new place to live.Keep strong, but remember to do everything with ss and legal advice.xx

I think you need to be a bit firmer than "sad" about him hitting you. I would be very strongly assertive that it is totally out of order and you don't know where he got the idea that it is acceptable but it will never happen again or there will be serious consequences that he Will. Not. Like. (if he asks what, don't go into details, say something along the lines of "you would find out but trust me, it would not be pleasant").

But yes, also ask if he can explain what led to it. Maybe say, OK I understand your frustration and anger but.... and emphasise again, very firmly, that it is wrong to hit, end of story.

And once he's calmed down and back to your loving reasonable little boy again, you end with a hug and agree to move on.

Clam I know I need to be a little firmer he knows that hitting is not acceptable there's been times when he has been hit at school he was bullied for a short period of time but the school took it very seriously and sorted it for me. He used to be the child who would never hit back, he would always say 'please don't hit me it isn't nice' I jus hope this is a one off and it doesn't happen again. When he wakes up I will have a chat with him. Cjel thanks for your advice but it would be difficult for me to find somewhere else to live our situations are different.

I agree with clam, he needs to know that it is unacceptable, even if he was frustrated and angry.

I didn't think my ex would loose interest in our son but he did, he was 10 years old when it started happening. Drugs, violance and doing his own thing slowly started to become more important to him.

Dozen, You just said you were going to find out about re housing and that it wasn't fair for your son to move because of you? sorry did I misunderstand?

Supernanny would I think ask him to apologise for hitting you, and leave him there on his own without any further attention, until he does apologise to you for hitting you. www.jofrost.com/supernanny/

The next home and area might be a lot nicer than where you are now, it doesn't have to be unfair on your son if you move, it would give him new opportunities and get him away from your ex's bad influence, which has got to be a huge improvement and investment in his future.

Cjel sorry I need to start reading over with I write. **not fair that my son has to move because of his dad. Filingdrivesmemad, I do not live in the same area as his dad, we live in East and he lives in North!

thats ok!! don't want to cause you stress sorry

That's okay Cjel I can't get any more stressed than I already am at the moment

You can not ignore what your son did to you. Are you scared to discipline him?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage. During this situation pretty much I just wan to forget this happened when he wakes up I will tell him what he did has made me sad and I don't want it to happen again, as advised I will ask him why he did it.

Sad is fine as long as you point out you are cross too and it is unacceptable to hit anyone, no matter how angry he might be.

Father Christmas might be disappointed in him too?

HamletsSister my son has never believed in Father Christmas his dad doesn't want him believing in anything that isn't real which is a shame. He is now awake I did try speaking to him again but he broke down (literally) :( I don't know what to do he has gone from hitting me to breaking down crying I hate seeing him like this is had his bath and now settled for bed!

have a gentle chat with him tonight about your upset and the wrongness of hitting and just cuddle up to him,, You don't know what he sees at his dads and it would be a shame tonight to make him think you will go against him if hes 'bad'.

Cjel I will speak to him tomorrow morning as he his asleep now, I don't make him making himself ill over this. I am so angry inside that his dad has caused all of this. Thanks for all your help and support today