My Ex wants my son over Christmas

[DozenRoses]

Hello

Can you please tell me what you'd do if you were me.

I am 26 years of age I have a son who is 7 years of age I am no longer with his father we broke up when my son was 1 years of age due to me finding out the type of person he really was, I ask whoever reads this and comments to please not judge me as a person. To cut a long story short...

My Sons father recently came out of prison 3 months he spent 8 months in there and was found not guilty on a very serious charge, he has been in prison 3 times since I broke up with him and they have always been very serious charges but whenever it goes to court he is always found not guilty because witness and victims are scared to testify again him and his "gang"

During the time he was in there this time I did let his family have access to my son as they haven't done anything wrong, on the first occasion I let them have him on the weekend my son came home and told me that his 'uncle' had taken him to see his dad in (school) prison, and that his nan had told him not to tell me that he'd been there, I called her and told her very nicely that I don't want my son going back there, she said that I shouldn't keep him away from his dad but said she will not let him go there again.

Now my Sons dad is out I have been letting him see my son, first it was just for the day every Saturday, then he said that he wants to have him from Friday night to Saturday night which I wasn't comfortable with but I let him, my son is on a strict bed time routine he is allowed to go to bed at 9.30 on weekends, when I call him to say goodnight he is never ready for bed, he is either playing a games console our out driving with his dad, there was a time when his dad allowed him to sleep over at his 'cousins' house which I wasn't too happy about, can you blame me? I don't know them and anything could have happened to him.

His Dad makes me feel like a rubbish parent, he will say to me "Why is he dressed like that?" I refuse to dress my son in designer clothes as I feel as they are a waste of money, but that is all his father wants him wearing which is pathetic my son is 7 he doesn't care what he wears. He will also ask me "Why doesn't he have this?" I refuse to buy expensive toys for my son the budget for his Birthday and Christmas is £50, a lot of people say that I am mean, but I won't spoil him with material things, the only thing I will spoil him with is love.

Now we are approaching Christmas his dad has "told" me that he wants him he wants him now until he goes back to school. And now my son has got it in his head that he will be spending Christmas with his dad and "cool friends and family" and that he is excited to open all his presents under their Christmas tree. During the 8 months his dad was in prison he went back to the "normal" child he was, now whenever we are out he will ask for expensive toys and games and when I say no he will go into a strop and not speak to me, also his behaviour has changed again at school, he has gone from being "a pleasure to teach" to hitting other children and not listening.

I don't want my son spending Christmas and new year with his dad, (also to mention that my son suffers from sickle cell anemia and could go into crisis at any time) but I don't know how to tell him that he won't be having him over Christmas, and also I don't know how my son is going to take the news I don't want to ruin Christmas for him, nor want him spend Christmas with a man who sells drugs and has been arrested for murder and gun charges.

I do want to cut of all communication with his dad but scared my son will hate me for it.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

Firstly I'm sure the police are as frustrated as you and your ex's victims that he gets found not guilty. Once a case goes to court it's with the CPS and the result is down to them the jury and judge (or scared witnesses who fail to give evidence).

Secondly, (sorry to be brutal) if you don't limit / stop the contact with your son, he will drag him into his "gang" and your son will follow exactly in his footsteps. It's already happening with the demand for expensive toys ab the change in behaviour at school.

Your son is currently idolising him, he'll want to impress him and would he really be able to say no when your ex hands him a gun or knife to carry as "that's what real men do"?

The SS aren't going to turn on you for asking for help, but you have to decide what scares you most. Getting SS involved to losing your son to his fathers life?
In the mean time, tell your ex he isn't having your son on Christmas Day or for that long. Decide on a day you are happy for him to see him (not before Christmas) and stick to it, in thee mean time start working out a way to stop it all together.

whattoWho. Our plans were to spend Christmas with my friend and her sons, I believe my son must have told his dad that he was spending Christmas with them because dad went out and bought them presents for my son to give to them, which I wasn't too happy about and my son has told them that he is spending Christmas with his dad and apologised to them. When I do tell him that I'm having my son for Christmas he will just laugh, the thing I regret is putting him in his surname, I have another fear of him taking him one day and not returning him, he has already told me that he is taking him to Jamaica in February.

MiniSunshine I thank you for writing that I am definitely going to stop all contact, yes my son is going to be upset but he will get over it. You don't have to say sorry for being brutal as what you are saying his the truth, and the reason why I said "his gang" is because that's what the police labelled it as on one of his cases which is findable on the courtsnew website.

He can tell you all he wants he's taking him to Jamaica.... He's not though. You can't trust him in the UK so sod abroad!

Does your son have a passport? If he does, then hide it very securely away from your home. If not, take advice on how to prevent your ex taking one out for him.

You have to be the adult here, and not let a 7 year old's understandable hero-worship of a father who appears to be flash and cool detract you from the right course of action, which is to minimise/stop contact.

Fed flags were waving for me when you said he was "driving around at night." There can't be many legitimate reasons for that, so I'd be assuming the worst.

Please protect your son.

You're welcome, it's scary and seems hard but you seem like someone who wants to do the right thing but feels unsupported.

There is support for you, just be brave and ask for it. Get a plan together today, you'll feel more confident afterwards.
First as suggested, hide your sons passport. I think there is also a way of logging that no other passports are to be issued but someone else may know this.
Ask your friend if you can go over earlier, don't engage in conversation with EX just text him on Christmas Eve to tell him the date he can see DS.
Go to your local police station and tell them you're worried about your son and ex as he's told you he's taking him out of the country without your permission. Ask for their advice on the matter. As he's a known criminal I'm sure they'll be interested and it's logged.
Call SS tomorrow, you can start off anonnomous if you like, just ask for advice on what's the best course of action and give your details later.
Call women's aid, I'm sure they'll be able to give advice.

Be the parent for your son, I'm sure he's excited about going to his dads at Christmas, your ex is manipulating him and basically bribing him not to mention putting words in his head (what 7yr old would apologise for not going unless prompted?) but tough.

I have just ended a phone conversation with his dad I told him that my son is not spending Christmas with him as we have already made plans, to be told by him that I need to stop being cheeky and behave myself. I ignored his comment which I usually do when he says something I don't like, I will not go down to his level. He also said that ask my son who he wants to stay with and if I 'carry on' that he will 'keep him' I just hung up on him

Clam yes my son does have a passport I will take your advice and leave it at a friends house. I also wasn't too happy about him having my son out at late hours my son is not used to that. MimiSunshine yes my son is excited about spending Christmas with his Dad I am going to break the news to him in the next hour would it be right for me to take him out after I've just told him he is not going to spend Christmas with his dad? Because I was going to take him to my friends house as she's going to the park, yes he is being very manipulative, I think my son has apologised of his own head as that's what kind of child he is.

I will be in contact with social services tomorrow morning.

If you do nothing you son will continue to change into a carbon copy of his father and your ex will continue to bully and dictate to you what happens with your child.

You need to get advice from the professionals and you need to do it PDQ.

I would be changing my phone number at the bare minimum. Looking to moving away as where you are you can no keep your son safe when his father and family are fuckwits.

It is choice time.

If he's said he'll keep him stop contact. Explain what was said to SS. They may advise you to call the police?

I normally stick up for the rights of dads on here but your ex sounds like a right

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage I have no where to go, I'm stuck we could get away for a little while but eventually we'd have to come back. Fifi669 I am afraid of what he would do if I called the police on him.

This man is trying to hurt undermine and scare you,using your son
A loved,cuddled,fed,secure child doesn't need designer gear,forget that
You need to not be in contact with your ex,no more if it's detrimental to child
You tell police, school and sw the ex is contacting again.let school know he's not to collect the child

As I said, if you stay as you are nothing will change.

Why can't you move? Nothing keeping you where you are. It will be hard to move but staying puts your child at risk unless you get yourself to a solicitor and get the professionals involved in protecting you son.

At the very least get extra locks on your door and change your phone number.

If this man is a danger to your child you have a duty to protect him otherwise others may step in and remove your child if it is bad enough.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage, moving is not as easy as some people may think from tomorrow I am going to ask my friend if we can stay at her place because he will ignore what I have told him and still show up to collect my son and if my son sees him he will want to go with him. I am going to call my mobile phone services provider and ask for them to change my number. I know things are going to get a lot more worst now but I am going to have to deal with it.

I am well aware of how hard it is to move but what is the alternative if you don't get legal protection for your child?

You are clearly scared of this man and he is a bully.

Well I am going to call social services tomorrow and whatever they advise me to d I will do it. I can admit I am scared of him, it is a situation if whatever he says goes, not only to me but with everyone he has never ever hit me he knows he doesn't have to, because he hurts me both mentally and emotionally. I'm glad I found this site as I can let all what I am going through out.

He sounds like my sons dad, he's always had contact through his gps. Phone ss and see what they advise.

Know the police were as frustrated as I was about exp getting a way with things. (Mainly due to witness intimidation.) He has recently spent some time in prison though.

I think posters should be aware that "standing up to a bully" is not necessarily wise advice in this case. From what I can make out, this guy is dangerous - even the authorities don't seem to be able to deal with him, and if he's managed to evade justice for crimes through intimidation of witnesses, then the OP needs to tread very carefully for her own protection. And her son's, for that matter, for although it seems like he's unlikely to hurt the boy physically, he leads what sounds like a pretty edgy lifestyle, which could have serious implications for the boy.

He's going to spit his dummy out when he doesn't get his own way, if he threatens you or intimidates you in anyway tell the police.

My son is an adult now but exp also has a young dd, he has no contact with her due to his intimidation of her mother, also due to the fact that he uses cocaine and although ss cant prove it he has refused to give hair samples so they wont allow any contact. So if you suspect any drug use tell them.

Ive found the police take any intimidation or threats in this sort of case seriously.

This guy has really done a good job on grinding you down sweetie and now is the time to start getting your life and that of your little man back together,use the help of SS to your advantage and take all the help they have to offer,they could offer to rehouse you in an area that is safe for you and then you can start from scratch again with your little boy.
My DDs X took my DGSs abroad to visit family and we where a whisker from loosing them so never allow him near your little boys passport,I would infact go as far as to notify Passport office of your intentions of not allowing your little boy out of the Country and a marker will be put against his name and date of birth,a bit alarmist I know but better safe than sorry.Make sure you get contact with SS to-morrow for your own peace of mind and stay with your friend over Christmas & New Year.

Clam you are very much right I am so glad that you understand. I know he'd never put my sons life in danger and he'd never physically hurt me. I don't want my son having no contact with him or his family all his family seem to do is make comments, I have had his mother tell me that I need to start feeding my son, he doesn't have much of an appetite due to his illness but I make sure I put food in front of him 3 times a day and he knows that food is also available to him whenever he wants it, and whenever he has to go into hospital they always come and make comments and blame him being the on me. I think they only do this because I haven't got much family of my own.

Glammanana thanks for giving me some hope, all I want to do is get my life back to normal. Can anyone suggest how I can tell my son that he won't be spending Christmas with his dad?

Document every thing. Start keeping a diary. Forward all texts / emails to somewhere he can't get access to.

Tell your son that you have already made plans. Tell him that you don't ignore friends just because you have decided to do something else, that they invited and you accepted and you can't go back on that. It is a bit of a life lesson in not dumping one arrangement if something "better" comes along. Tell him you want to have Christmas with him and that his Dad will be with his own Mum so will have someone to be with at Christmas time.

"I don't want my son having no contact with him or his family all his family seem to do is make comments"
Do you mean you want to stop contact?

HamletsSister thank you. SoloXantiaClaws yes I want to stop all contact do you think I'm wrong for saying this?