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Original poster

My Ex wants my son over Christmas

148 replies

DozenRoses · 21/12/2013 19:51

Hello

Can you please tell me what you'd do if you were me.

I am 26 years of age I have a son who is 7 years of age I am no longer with his father we broke up when my son was 1 years of age due to me finding out the type of person he really was, I ask whoever reads this and comments to please not judge me as a person. To cut a long story short...

My Sons father recently came out of prison 3 months he spent 8 months in there and was found not guilty on a very serious charge, he has been in prison 3 times since I broke up with him and they have always been very serious charges but whenever it goes to court he is always found not guilty because witness and victims are scared to testify again him and his "gang"

During the time he was in there this time I did let his family have access to my son as they haven't done anything wrong, on the first occasion I let them have him on the weekend my son came home and told me that his 'uncle' had taken him to see his dad in (school) prison, and that his nan had told him not to tell me that he'd been there, I called her and told her very nicely that I don't want my son going back there, she said that I shouldn't keep him away from his dad but said she will not let him go there again.

Now my Sons dad is out I have been letting him see my son, first it was just for the day every Saturday, then he said that he wants to have him from Friday night to Saturday night which I wasn't comfortable with but I let him, my son is on a strict bed time routine he is allowed to go to bed at 9.30 on weekends, when I call him to say goodnight he is never ready for bed, he is either playing a games console our out driving with his dad, there was a time when his dad allowed him to sleep over at his 'cousins' house which I wasn't too happy about, can you blame me? I don't know them and anything could have happened to him.

His Dad makes me feel like a rubbish parent, he will say to me "Why is he dressed like that?" I refuse to dress my son in designer clothes as I feel as they are a waste of money, but that is all his father wants him wearing which is pathetic my son is 7 he doesn't care what he wears. He will also ask me "Why doesn't he have this?" I refuse to buy expensive toys for my son the budget for his Birthday and Christmas is £50, a lot of people say that I am mean, but I won't spoil him with material things, the only thing I will spoil him with is love.

Now we are approaching Christmas his dad has "told" me that he wants him he wants him now until he goes back to school. And now my son has got it in his head that he will be spending Christmas with his dad and "cool friends and family" and that he is excited to open all his presents under their Christmas tree. During the 8 months his dad was in prison he went back to the "normal" child he was, now whenever we are out he will ask for expensive toys and games and when I say no he will go into a strop and not speak to me, also his behaviour has changed again at school, he has gone from being "a pleasure to teach" to hitting other children and not listening.

I don't want my son spending Christmas and new year with his dad, (also to mention that my son suffers from sickle cell anemia and could go into crisis at any time) but I don't know how to tell him that he won't be having him over Christmas, and also I don't know how my son is going to take the news I don't want to ruin Christmas for him, nor want him spend Christmas with a man who sells drugs and has been arrested for murder and gun charges.

I do want to cut of all communication with his dad but scared my son will hate me for it.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

OP posts:
cjel · 23/12/2013 15:02

I know that but if there is no agreement in place how is he going to be stopped ? With his record of breaking the law he won't have any hesitation in doing what he thinks is his 'right'

clam · 23/12/2013 15:07

Which is why she needs to be absent tomorrow.
I wouldn't want to mess with this guy and I don't envy your position, roses.
By the way, he hasn't given your ds a mobile or anything, has he?

cestlavielife · 23/12/2013 15:44

the op has sent son to stay overnight already - saying no all of a sudden could look like spite, unless she has reported a specific incident.. but op you can argue very strongly for new year with you if he does spend xmas with him.

perhaps op you can go nearby and report to police if it looks like drugs etc going on and also ask police to get your son out ...

kscience · 23/12/2013 15:47

OP you need to get your son back ( I mean the loving son not the one you are no longer beginning to recognise) and this will not happen whilst he is associating with his father.

You need to take him away for Christmas, so that you do not have drama on your doorstep. Son may well be angry, but hitting you is NOT acceptable and you need to be MUCH more assertive about this. If you do not stop this behaviour now YOU will have taught your son than his behaviour leads to him getting whatever he wants.

SS will have someone you can speak to now, today. You need to log incidents with the police and insist that you have a specific officer that you can have direct contact with. AND if he turns up on the doorstep call 999 and do not answer the door. With his history of intimidation and violent behaviour they will assist. You have not agreed to access and are the resident parent.

I don't want to be overly dramatic but you ARE at risk of losing your son to his father and the family, losing your son overseas or losing your son in a gang crime. You will lose him unless you take assertive action NOW.

Children do not need to be happy every waking moment, life is not like that, as much as we want to protect them. A sad Christmas is a small price to pay.

clam · 23/12/2013 16:21

If your son started kicking off about having treatment for his sickle cell anaemia, would you let it go? Or insist that he had to do what you say and undergo the treatment for his own good?

I know this is different, as he can only see the lure of the "good things" your ex is tempting him with, but you've got to endure the short-term angst for his long-term gain. Of course he won't see it, but you're going to have to grow a thick skin and put up with it.

lookingfoxy · 23/12/2013 16:28

I would honestly contact women's aid and see if they can help make you 'disappear'.
Sorry but if contact was having this affect on my ds it just would not be happening.

TalkativeJim · 23/12/2013 17:05

Ring SS now. Have a chat with the duty social worker and see what they say.

Let them know that they have indirectly threatened you and are expecting to come and get your son tomorrow. Ask them what to do if they turn up?

Do NOT let him go to his dad's - ever again, if you can.

Giving in will not improve anything here. Your son is changing because of his exposure to your ex. Stop it NOW - the sooner you do, the sooner your lovely boy will come back. Christmas or not, it's irrelevant - you need to stop this now.

I'm willing to bet that some if the reason he's started showing aggression to you is because he's hearing negative stuff about you from his dad. 'Better get you back to your stupid bitch of a mother before she kicks off then eh Billy?' 'You'll be coming here for Christmas don't you worry son, if your mother says anything she'll get a fucking slap don't you worry.'
Etc.

No matter what your son does at the moment, stick to your guns. And phone SS now.

HamletsSister · 23/12/2013 17:29

get out of the house - now. Phone Women's Aid and see of you can go to a refuge for a few hours, just while this is going on. Go from there direct to your friend's.

Do not give in to your son. He is bullying you. You do not give in to bullying and abuse because it will get worse. He is 7. Stand firm. Can you call someone to be firm with you. A neighbour? Older woman (intimidating granny type figure) Man? Anyone to back you up so you can be strong, say no and mean it.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 23/12/2013 17:35

Sorry that I am only just getting back to you, my DS has had another "episode" I called him from upstairs to come down for lunch he come down I asked him what he wanted he asked for fruit my plan was to speak to him whilst he ate his lunch, I cut up the fruits for him he said he didn't want it and asked for a sandwich instead I made it for him then he asked for some pasta I told him I wasn't going to make him anything else to eat and that he can either eat his fruit or eat his sandwich he then went to the fridge freezer and opened the door and kept slamming one of the doors back which won't shut properly now. I didn't want to but I did slap him which led him to run upstairs he has some how smashed one of the glass panels on his bedroom door. And not to mention he decided to wee down the side of my toilet which I have only just found out about. Enough is enough. He won't be staying at his dad house this Christmas or be seeing him again unless it is decided by the court he can, which I will want to be done in a contact centre, and as punishment me and him will be staying at home we won't be going to my friends house he needs to know that he can't misbehave or break things, and if his dad or his family turn up I will call the police.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/12/2013 17:46

You are being bullied by your ex and your child.

Do not let him go to his dad's for obvious reasons.

If you let him go, both of them will have behaved appallingly and got what they wanted.

You want him to stay with you but have a nice Christmas too. Do you really think he will NOT have a nice day with you? He is a child, he will be all excited and happy with presents. If he is obnoxious all day because he isn't at his dad's then even more reason not to give into his tantrums.

cjel · 23/12/2013 18:02

Poor you , I think you are right and now must stop all contact, He must realise that this aggression is not going to get him his own way, and is not he way to treat people. Have you phoned ss out of hours for advice yet?

clam · 23/12/2013 18:50

Why have you cancelled going to your friend's house?

Original poster
DozenRoses · 23/12/2013 18:52

I have just gotten of the phone to social services I was scared and nervous at first to speak to them about everything that has been going on, the woman I spoke to was very nice after explaining everything to her, she said that I should have never allowed my sons dad to look after him unsupervised and especially overnight and that it should have been done in a contact centre she said that I am not to let my sons dad or family see him again until contact has been put in place by social services or if I don't want my son seeing them again I could take it to the child and family court. She also suggested to go and spend Christmas somewhere away from home, but if I don't and they do turn up I should call the police immediately as it will be classed as trespassing and harassment. I think I will say home as my son has done he doesn't deserve to spend Christmas around friends and I don't want him having another episode when we are there. And I also need to think of another punishment for the damage he has done.

OP posts:
cjel · 23/12/2013 18:55

My goodness, well done you , you are being brave and a very good mum for trying the best for your son.
Are you going to stay at home and have christmas with your friend and ring police if they turn up?

MadameDefarge · 23/12/2013 18:56

I would suggest letting the punishment go for the time being.

He is going to be confused enough and upset.

If he kicks off again, then yes, but make it an immediate, one off punishment, not a long drawn out affair.

Well done you for calling SS.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 23/12/2013 18:57

Clam my son has no choice but to take his medication when he needs it as he knows it will help with the pain. And if he was to refuse it I certainly wouldn't let it go, he'd be taking it. I have cancelled going to my friends house due to his behaviour he needs to learn that he can't do those things and get away with it.

OP posts:
YoDiggity · 23/12/2013 18:59

good grief. There is no way I'd be wanting my child to have any contact AT ALL with this man. The longer it is allowed to continue the more attaches your son will become and the more he will think this sort of behaviour is normal, and even something to aspire to.

I'm really concerned that he spends the evenings just 'driving around' with his Dad. Hmm That sounds really dodgy.

I would move far, far away if I had to, just to keep him away from this man.

cjel · 23/12/2013 19:08

I think I would reconsider not going to you friends because at least you will be out if the do try and come.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 23/12/2013 19:11

Cjel thanks I will be saying at home and not going to my friends house if either of them turn up tomorrow I will call the police. Madame is he very much likely to kick of again after the damage he has done I just can't let it go. YoDiggity I was never happy with him having my son out at late hours especially driving around with him like he is a friend of his. I have thought about it and I will have to move as his dad is known to put 'hits' out on people and I don't want to be the next victim, hopefully I will be able to get the police on my side.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 23/12/2013 19:13

You are right, he will indeed kick off again, I am only suggesting that as this is a particularly tricky time you do punish him, but in small, immediate doses.

cjel · 23/12/2013 19:14

Roses, I think now you have spoken to ss and know its ok to phone police you know whats best. Hopefully he thinks enough about his ds not to want to harm you.

clam · 23/12/2013 19:25

Hmm, whilst I agree that you need to be firm about the damage to the door, I wonder if you might try to separate that from the Christmas Day bit. The thing is, he's going to be imagining a wonderful whoopy time at Dad's that he's missing. He's quite possibly viewing staying at home as dull in comparison, so at least if you go to your friend's then it might appease him a bit as being more fun?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/12/2013 19:26

Roses, I really admire your strength and leadership qualities as a mother. But please please take every precaution to look after yourself until this awful situation is well and truely behind you.

Original poster
DozenRoses · 23/12/2013 19:37

Clam his dad didn't ask me if he could have him for Christmas he just said he is. I don't want to keep him at home but he needs to learn, and there's a chance he will kick of at my friends house, her son has ADHD and my son is always telling him to be nice because we all love him, we are all used to his her sons behaviour, I don't want him going there and misbehaving I know it sounds horrible but I want to keep him here, me and my son always used to have fun together just the two of us. KeepCoolCalmAndCollection. Thanks :)

OP posts:
marmitecat · 23/12/2013 19:43

Bless you op. You are in my thoughts. You have started on a path to getting this sorted out. Is there anything you could do to get some support over the next few days? I'm not being weird but you might find going to a local church service on Christmas eve would help in terms of getting out of the flat and being with others in a neutral environment.