My Ex wants my son over Christmas

[DozenRoses]

Hello

Can you please tell me what you'd do if you were me.

I am 26 years of age I have a son who is 7 years of age I am no longer with his father we broke up when my son was 1 years of age due to me finding out the type of person he really was, I ask whoever reads this and comments to please not judge me as a person. To cut a long story short...

My Sons father recently came out of prison 3 months he spent 8 months in there and was found not guilty on a very serious charge, he has been in prison 3 times since I broke up with him and they have always been very serious charges but whenever it goes to court he is always found not guilty because witness and victims are scared to testify again him and his "gang"

During the time he was in there this time I did let his family have access to my son as they haven't done anything wrong, on the first occasion I let them have him on the weekend my son came home and told me that his 'uncle' had taken him to see his dad in (school) prison, and that his nan had told him not to tell me that he'd been there, I called her and told her very nicely that I don't want my son going back there, she said that I shouldn't keep him away from his dad but said she will not let him go there again.

Now my Sons dad is out I have been letting him see my son, first it was just for the day every Saturday, then he said that he wants to have him from Friday night to Saturday night which I wasn't comfortable with but I let him, my son is on a strict bed time routine he is allowed to go to bed at 9.30 on weekends, when I call him to say goodnight he is never ready for bed, he is either playing a games console our out driving with his dad, there was a time when his dad allowed him to sleep over at his 'cousins' house which I wasn't too happy about, can you blame me? I don't know them and anything could have happened to him.

His Dad makes me feel like a rubbish parent, he will say to me "Why is he dressed like that?" I refuse to dress my son in designer clothes as I feel as they are a waste of money, but that is all his father wants him wearing which is pathetic my son is 7 he doesn't care what he wears. He will also ask me "Why doesn't he have this?" I refuse to buy expensive toys for my son the budget for his Birthday and Christmas is £50, a lot of people say that I am mean, but I won't spoil him with material things, the only thing I will spoil him with is love.

Now we are approaching Christmas his dad has "told" me that he wants him he wants him now until he goes back to school. And now my son has got it in his head that he will be spending Christmas with his dad and "cool friends and family" and that he is excited to open all his presents under their Christmas tree. During the 8 months his dad was in prison he went back to the "normal" child he was, now whenever we are out he will ask for expensive toys and games and when I say no he will go into a strop and not speak to me, also his behaviour has changed again at school, he has gone from being "a pleasure to teach" to hitting other children and not listening.

I don't want my son spending Christmas and new year with his dad, (also to mention that my son suffers from sickle cell anemia and could go into crisis at any time) but I don't know how to tell him that he won't be having him over Christmas, and also I don't know how my son is going to take the news I don't want to ruin Christmas for him, nor want him spend Christmas with a man who sells drugs and has been arrested for murder and gun charges.

I do want to cut of all communication with his dad but scared my son will hate me for it.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

Thanks Marmitecat, you are not weird at all.. We go to church every Christmas Eve

I know he didn't ask. (see my post of 14.20)

Anyway, I think you should follow your gut feeling. But please stay safe. I don't like the sound of this guy.

I think you are being fantastic.
Just a thought, a friend of mine was once in a similar situation (left her DS dad because of gang lifestyle, domestic violence threats) and found Southall Black Sisters (charity for BME women) very helpful to talk with.

www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/services/

Did he break the glass by slamming the door? It sounds like the situation got out of control for both of you. As for not eating what you give him and peeing wide of the mark - my 6 year old does this almost daily. I see why you want boundaries given everything that's happened but I'd be tempted to go for a cuddle rather than a future punishment.
Hope it all works out.

You tolerate your dc peeing on the floor and demanding a range of different foods on a daily basis? And reward with cuddles?

Good luck with that.

You're setting your son a fantastic example by making a stand. It can't have been easy but you're doing a good thing here.

Remember though, any mischief whatsoever from your ex and call the police immediately. No being conned into letting him in for a chat, or just to see my boy because it's Christmas day, or any of that shit. That goes for telephone calls too. And it also applies to his family.

This will be a very disturbed little boy.

He needs care and extra attention, and understanding about why he is the way he is now that 'dad' is back on the scene.

these are unusual circumstances.

The OP is doing her best. Don't burden her with judgments about how you would parent a child who does this based on a stable and secure environment.

She doesn't have to give in to his demands, but neither does she have to 'punish' him.

Well done Roses, it sounds like you are feeling stronger and clearer about what you want to do.

I second what nauticant says, any mischief from your ex and you cal the police immediately.

CLAM> I think you are not understanding the difficulty of trying to parent a child who goes through all this with a father.
This is a very sad little boy - he is not a monster who needs punishment, he is confused and damaged and at this moment needs the reassurance and love that his mummy can give him.

There will be time in the future to work on why his behaviour isn't acceptable but it isn't now.

I wish that you really did wish OP goodluck with her son as she is on her own and trying the best she knows how to protect him from a potential horrendous life.

dozenroses My heart goes out to you during this nightmarish period. You are being immensely strong and a real protector of your child. No amount of virtual support can make up for RL support and I encourage you to seek help and backing from those that you trust/know care for you. A change is as good as a break and I really think you will be surprised at how quickly you can get moved as a result of this. It is a sad fact that you will get priority 'points' to enable a fast move. First to emergency shelter if need be and then another permanent place. Make contact with your housing officer asap and even if you only get the duty officer you can start the ball rolling. I am mainly focusing on housing as I feel you have been given sound advice re other pressing issues you are currently facing, and having lived in social housing I know a bit about the system.

You need to get away and start afresh. Bad news doesn't have to be carried along with you all your life. Would you consider moving out of London?

Hugs to you and your son. He sounds really troubled right now and you must be despairing, but take heart and stand firm - you do not want to raise a child you are terrified of, or that society sees fit to easily label. Help him know a better life than others would determine for him. And whilst there, imagine such a better life for yourself too. You deserve happiness, love and beauty. Leave stupidness to itself for it breeds best amongst its own.

cjel if you read my posts, you will see that at no point have I suggested punishing this little boy. I did point out that it might be worthwhile being slightly firmer than "sad" about him punching and kicking his mother, however.
Oh, and I asked a different poster about cuddling her son who she said peed on the floor on a daily basis (with no reference to SN or trauma).

CLAM - You didn't state in you post who it was aimed at so OP may have read it like MADAME and I both did.

I'm afraid I read it the same way.

In any case, the OP is in a very difficult situation and seems to be tackling the cause rather than getting too hung up about the symptoms. That's how it should be.

well said nautical and cjel.

A little boy in a whole heap of emotional turbulence.

OP has to deal with the fallout. She needs our support and understanding.

And she has it.

Is that in dispute?
And to clarify: my was to It'sbeginningtolookalotlikexmas NOT to the OP, with whom I have the utmost sympathy and respect. Sorry if it was unclear.

clam - just in case you don't check, I have sent you a PM.

Saw it - have replied. (keep losing signal due to storm though)

clam. Toffee hope you have a good nights rest.xx

Or better still:

I bought lambrini today and had the piss taken out of me . I just fancied some and it has been years since I had any and I rarely drink alcohol but I want to get drunk an d silly one night this week .

I don't drink, is it lovely and fruity white wine? its a long time since I had that. Have I got that right?

Clam I was suggesting the OP consider a cuddle (which I'm sure she has) after a change of Christmas plans, a slap from his mum, and a generally very emotionally disturbing time. They will get through it together, but I thought the references to punishment seemed not the only way to go about it.
My own ds - when he overshoots the loo, I tell him to clean it up rather than cuddle him. But I do not think it particularly odd or suggestive of special needs or trauma to pee wide of the mark - I'm not talking about peeing in the middle of the living room! Sadly experience suggests many adult males do this too..
But thanks for the advice.

cjel it is white and sparkling. Cheap and I love it . 7.5%.