fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

[disappointedandsad]

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

No interest in getting back on the horse. Can't imagine anything I'd want less at this precise moment, or in the foreseeable future.

He was every bit as great as I thought, I'm sure of it. We hadn't met each others friends, we were still at the stage of getting to know each other. But he has a good, close-knit group of friends, who had done a lot to help him while he was ill. I think that adds credence to my belief that he was, at least in some respects, a nice person.

That's why I am still struggling to process something that was so utterly unexpected and unlike the way he had behaved up to that point.

I can assure you I have in no way been over the top. I have been very measured, and laid back. I've not rushed to reply to texts, I've not pursued him to any ridiculous extent. It's been very much 50/50.

I met a guy once. Teacher by coincidence. Came on strong. Lovely guy, wide social circle, funny, popular, super bright etc. Dropped me like a stone after a few weeks. Thought he was dead. Turned out he had unfinished business with an ex. He bounced back months later. I wanted no more to do with him. Didn't really fancy him by then - had gone off the whole idea. Many years later, he still pursues me! As cliched as it is, people want what they can't have. Don't get in touch. He's not dead or ill or playing it cool. He's just not interested.

I really feel for you OP. Your user name sums it up nicely.

I hope this resolves itself in one way or another, and soon. My best wishes to you over these next few Christmas days.

Oh OP, what a rubbish thing to happen

Dating really can be brutal and I don't blame you for wanting to quit it for a while anyway

The wondering is torture, but from personal experience I agree with those who say just leave it now. You've done your bit. The ball is in his court so to speak.

Do you have some nice plans for over Christmas. Please treat yourself

And from what you have said, it's nothing you have done or haven't done. It's just the luck of the draw isn't it. It can be bloody hard trying to find someone right for you. Hopefully it will happen for you. Just keep on being yourself.

OP- maybe I'm way off the mark here, but do you think that some counselling/psychotherapy might help you?

I don't know your history- you've said nothing about the father of your boys or why that ended. But you have said you didn't date until your 20s , wanted men from your uni circle but they didn't want you, so you ended up with 'losers' as that was all you felt you could attract.

That's quite unusual behaviour which means you seem to have missed out on dating as a teen, when a lot of us learn to cope with the knocks a bit, and get our radars sorted re. not wasting time with losers.

I think all of that is significant now. You are not overreacting in the way Scottishmummy suggests, but the fact you say you can't imagine dating again for a while after a 2 month relationship ends ( if it has) suggests your self esteem is low and you are quite fragile.

You seem to have a conflicting superiority-inferiority complex going on- each struggling to win!

If you are so knocked back by this man after such a short relationship then might it suggest you still have 'issues'? You do seem to have put him on a pedestal a bit when in fact the way he behaved ( pre this dumping) sounds 'average'- but you are comparing him with previous men who were not your type. You seem also to take a lot from his appreciation of you- saying you are clever etc etc- which suggests that you are a little unsure of your own worth still.

Your latest post goes on about what a nice man he was / is. But he hasn't behaved in a nice way has he- not recently? I think because he was different to your other men- more settled, intelligent, independent- then you have afforded him more qualities in your head than he has in reality. In other words you've been a bit infatuated and now he's shown his true colours you are really wounded.

I know it's tough. I've been there a lot! But I do suggest you work on who you are, what you want as a minimum from a man, and understand that even 'nice' men can let women down in an offhand way.

You need to bounce back and give yourself a bit of a shake to get over this.

He's got cold feet. The shagging has moved it up a level in his mind and now he's backing out. Ok, so you could text him , meet up again etc, and then be back to square one next week when he doesn't reply to your next message. Bin him off now and save yourself the headache.

For what it's worth OP, I TOTALLY get you and where you're coming from re: not being OTT, just being carefree and enjoying the ride and not pressurising yourself or him!

I too felt I'd finally met my match (he was/is witty, intelligent, articulate, makes me giggle, loving, attentive, educated, gainfully employed, and the sex was FAB), I purposefully took my time in getting to know him, taking things slowly, hanging out, just getting to know each other over 4 months and then NOTHING!!

ITS NOT YOU, ITS HIM!

My advice: go through the motions of being upset, cry, marinate in your own misery, do what you have to do to be able to MOVE FORWARD!

I usually give myself a week or two to feel sorry for myself and throw myself a pity party, BUT then I MOVE ON, learn from it (whatever lesson there is to be learnt, only you will know if there is any at all) but in the end I DO NOT let him define who I am or dictate the rest of my life!

Do YOU!!

Great post vari

I think the OP says she is giving up because the lack of success gets you down eventually.

Thanks
Yes I agree with you over the wearing down which is why I said that some professional help might work. There's a pattern to all of this which is not altogether healthy.

I think this experience is just bad luck, but given the entire dating history I feel your self esteem OP is a bit fragile.

For what it's worth I got worn down by shit luck and bad choices in my love life. Decided to give up altogether*, and got some counselling to sort me out. It really helped.

And also, I think Mumsnet has helped me to get a better perspective on things too.

*Met DP just before I turned 35. 36 now and we're getting our first place together and ttc/planning to tie the knot next year.

So I second the suggestion of counselling.

AnuvvaMuvva

Stop being so dramatic!! If op wants to call him, she should.

It isn't up to anyone to talk her out of it.

I'd also get back out there on the dating scene! (Obviously after you've licked your "wounds" etc.) Maybe after Christmas?

DO NOT give up on dating or on finding THE ONE (for you).

I've been let down many times for whatever reason, I refuse to settle, if it means I'm single till I die, that's ok too as I love me some ME!

As for the over analysis on here regarding your self worth/low self esteem, maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong (personally I think they're wrong) I see your issue for what it is, you're just unlucky enough to meet a man who didn't have any balls or common courtesy to tell you he was no longer interested! He's an IDIOT!

AGAIN, ITS NOT YOU, ITS HIM!

My self-esteem is fragile due more to being 'knocked' by people who should be on my side - friends, ex-partners, than anything in me.

I had the best upbringing anyone could wish for. My parents brought me up to believe I was incredible, and could achieve anything (and I did, much beyond the narrow expectations of teachers, peers, etc). But I have had a LOT of people making nasty, jealous comments to me over the years, not of the whispering behind my back but being unpleasant to my face - often under the guise of being honest, or trying to help. I don't put people down, and certainly not friends. I feel a lot of my 'friends' are really only happy when I am struggling.

As an example, with my Ex (father of my DC2) I suffered various kinds of DV and EA in the 8 years we were together. I told a few friends when we splitting up what had gone on. They minimised it/didnt believe me.

I have spoken to a counsellor a few months ago. It was only one session, but what I took from it among other things was that I need more positive influences in my life. I'm going to start cutting a lot of the negative people out (should have done it before, but as it is probably 80% of the people I know, I have been vacillating). Because all they do is drag me down.

Just to clarify - when I say ex-partners, I mean when they WERE partners, they put me down and made digs (mainly 1 of them to be fair, not all)

Could do with an edit button!

And to add - this guy was as great as I thought. I've dated a lot, I know lots of men - all but 2 of my uni friends were male, I work mainly with men. So it's not just comparing him to some of the poorer specimens I've dated, but generally, he was a bit different, and rather lovely.

The not contacting me is shit. And totally unexpected. Like I said, friends are as shocked as me. The type of person I would have said (until 48 hours ago) I was sure he was, wouldn't have behaved like this.

It's RUDE, he's RUDE, IDIOT!

Hi OP. Hope you are feeling better today.
I just wanted to add my piece: why shouldn't you call him? Is it because he is "the man", and you are "The woman"? That's not fair and it is time we started to question and erode those gender roles within the dating scene, for peace if mind in situations like this as well as the obvious.
What us wrong with calling him? Ask yourself if you would think it was wrong if he called you? If the answer is "no", I would be tempted to call and calmly say, "I am quite hurt you haven't called, so at least have the decency to end it properly". But I am a loon and wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not a game where one has to act cooler than the other. What would you get out of it if you did "win" that kind of game? Nothing. No resolution, moving on comes slower...
You are not losing dignity by telling him it was hurtful and that as an adult you would have expected some form of communication from him if he didn't want to see you anymore. Maybe it would hurt your pride, but you would be able to move on more quickly.
I say all this from a long time married POV, so I know I have no experience of today's dating scene, but if was I was in that scene today, I wouldn't let the male party have all the contact privileges at the expense of my emotions. Even if you did call as say what I suggested, if there was a genuine reason why he couldn't call and he is still keen, it leaves room for him to put you straight and go forward.
I really hope you feel happier today.

This guy was as great as I thought.

What do you mean by that?

You mean that in the 2-3 months you knew him, you were very attracted to him. He is not so great now though- is he? Why are you still saying he's so great when he has behaved like this? Is your radar not working?

Do you need to separate out how a man makes you feel and who you are.

There seems to be a pattern of your behaviour/personality responding to who you are with- when bad guys treat you badly you put up with that. When friends treat you badly you hang on to them. When 'good' guys praise you, you suck it up.

Counselling should be medium-long term. Most counsellors want clients to commit to several months of it. If you have been in relationships where there has been DV and EA then i think you would benefit from some longer term help.

He has been rude. Should he be told so? That's what I don't know. I agree - silence means something and it's miserable to chase a man who isn't interested. But should people who behave like this be told that their behaviour is hurtful?

Santa I'm inclined to agree with you that even at the loss of pride some people do need to be called on their behaviour.

If I were you, OP, I'd leave it for a few more days. You risk coming over as a loon if you go in with all guns blazing and he's simply busy or just thinking about what he wants.

But the longer it is with no contact from him, the better your position because then he's made it clear that it's over. That is the time when you may like to contact him. You are both mature adults not teens. I don't think you can be too harsh on him given the brevity of your relationship. But I think a very brief call saying you'd have appreciated him letting you know he didn't want to carry on would be polite.

That's taking control of it all.

were you actually "going out" exclusively?
or was it "dating"
I've realized that dating nowadays means - going out with more than one person at the same time.

Anyone who believes the OP should contact this man again to "know where she stands" needs to remember the adage, actions speak louder than words. Sadly this man is telling the OP with his ACTIONS that he's not that bothered. Why must she endure the misery, awkwardness and embarrassment of RINGING HIM UP TO HEAR HIM SAY IT?! Has he not already said it..? By saying nothing?

And the adage, Only a fool rushes bad news.

There is a part of me that wonders if he's simply just ill/in hospital - but if he is, he'll contact her when he gets out.

My main advice is for the OP to just get really really BUSY AND INVOLVED with something else. Preferably something engaging and fun or, if nothing feels like fun at the moment, then something productive. Or even just useful.

Anything but wasting the last weekend before Xmas indulging herself in microanalysis of some man who hasn't rung. It's just such a waste of time.

Take your kids to see Father Christmas!
Make some hot chocolate with marshmallows on and all snuggle up in front of a Christmas film!
De-clutter a drawer!
Bake cookies and decorate them and hang them in the tree!
Make fudge! Add brandy! Drink brandy!
Dye your hair!
Wrap presents!
Let the kids run riot in the 99p shop!
Go to the park! Gym! Cinema!
Call your parents! Plant a tree! Watch It's A Wonderful Life!

Just stop all this ThInKiNg and speculating. You're above this!

Xxx

PS every time I've ever forced myself to get busy instead of waiting for a call, I've got the call.
PPS YOU CAN drag yourself out of the misery if you try. I know it feels like you can't, but you can.
PPPS please keep this incident in isolation, not as the star on top of a whole Christmas tree of past rejections. Focus on this ONE incident, not every man who has ever failed to call you in the whole if your life so far.

I think I agree that silence is a message.

And it's not her job to "call him out on his behaviour". She's not his mum!

Please PLEASE let's make a massive effort to stop trying to control men! We can only control ourselves and how we react to things. OP, don't sit around in self-pity this weekend. Feel in control again by realising that you have the power to control how men make you feel. YOU DO. You can think, "wah wah, he's the only man I'll ever love and he's left me like all the others, I feel sick, let me dwell on my last history right from my childhood, why are people so mean?" OR you can think, "Stupid idiot never texted back. His loss. Next!" It really is your choice. You do get a say in your own happiness!

It's ok to feel sad and disappointed. It isnt self pitying, its a normal way to feel for anyone who isn't emotionless. I think he's probably a commitmentphobe. There are a lot of them around. I'd buy a copy of The Rules if it's still in print. I did it on my dh of 14 years and it made him mad about me. Before people say I am smug/boasting, before that I had always been the dumpee for years and years. I bought the book in response to that. What about joining a walking group? It's a lovely thing to do and you meet lots of nice people. Fresh air, countryside, exercise, pub meals. What's not to like? I wouldnt phone him. (See The Rules)