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Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 21:47

Sympathy's not your strong point is it Scottish?

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:51

Isn't about sympathy,Op doesn't need sympathy.and aww there hun
She's an adult woman,and this is a bit of a breast beating reaction
No man defines a woman.my advice?eat well,sleep,go for walk and don't be so maudlin

HanselandGretel · 20/12/2013 21:53

Not indulgent at all, the OP made a connection that hadn't come along in a very long while, and in fact it's that and not the amount of time they have known each other that is the important point.
Things seemed to be going in the right direction and then he abruptly goes MIA, anyone would be wounded, hurt and baffled by that.

Hogwash · 20/12/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:58

Well obviously according to me,given thats my subjective opinion.doh

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 22:00

Probably is a bit indulgent by some people's standards. But we all feel things differently. If I had a family, if I'd had (mostly) happy romantic relationships, this might be more of a tiny blip than something I'd get upset over.

I've spent years dating loser-ish men not worthy of me because it was date them or no-one. I never had a boyfriend til I was in my early 20s because I wanted to date within my university, or later just someone who had been to uni (or was of that level of intelligence) and no-one was interested. I do think highly of myself most of the time, I have just found it difficult to find a man who was my equal and who was attracted to me (and vv).

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 22:04

And for as long as you're moping about over this man you'll not met anyone else
Of course it hurts,it's pride,it's the loss of plans and time invested I get that
But you move on,you don't idolise him or the what ifs.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 22:06

I'm not assuming he's ill because even when he was in hospital he could (and did) still text.

He might be ill, but if he was I think he could still have sent a quick 'sorry, really not well, will sort something out when I'm better' - up to a few days ago, that's what I'd have expected based on my experience of him.

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 20/12/2013 22:13

@scottishmummy - it's all just happening now, in the present moment, so this speculation about the what if's and how comes are natural - it's not 'moping'. and
Getting back on the horse and trying to meet someone else in the midst of the confusion isn't really the first thing that enters the mind, there is a need to process what has happened first.

maleview70 · 20/12/2013 22:14

Exactly. Unless you are on a life support machine you are never too ill to text.

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 22:16

I'm not suggesting she get back on horse as you put it,any time soon
Reflect,yes.and then focus on herself,her interests,and put it down to one one if those things

JuneauWhoIAm · 20/12/2013 22:28

You sound very mixed up.
Your own identity is all about dating men worthy or not worthy I'm not sure which.

Have others been beneath you and then when you meet your match, by your standards, they run a mile?

I think you need to figure out who you are TBH.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 22:44

I'm a bit puzzled over why you only wanted to date men 'at your university' etc, but made do with losers. I hear what you say about this but don't really 'get it'. Why did you want a man who was not your sort? As it happens, all the men I've dated and had long relationships with have been graduates like me, but that wasn't a conscious 'searching out ' for them- it was just my filters ditching unsuitables right from the start. It's about who you mix with- what kind of social life you have .

You are divorced? So you did meet someone who for a while anyway you felt was good enough.

Sorry if that's not correct but you say you have children so am assuming a man was around at some point.

starofbethlehemfishmummy · 20/12/2013 22:50

I am still saying "married" and he has gone home to his wife for the holidays.

It is not unusual for a person to be working away from home and renting/owning a property at their work location. This is where the op has been.
(and ime the spouse rarely goes to the other home)

When the op and the bf are not seeing each other for a week or two it is because he is home with the wife.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 22:51

oh that's silly- I doubt he's married.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 23:18

He is very definitely NOT married.

I've been to his home. He has told me where he works, and he is very easy to google. I know far more about his life than he does about mine. So I am quite sure, in that sense, he has nothing to hide.

And not being funny, but he's a teacher. Even in the private sector he's not on the sort of salary that would allow you to run 2 homes!

As to why I wanted a man who wasn't my 'sort', its complicated. I grew up in a working class low academically achieving area. I didn't fit in. When I went to uni I didn't fit in there either. When I came home, I was 22, and the only men who wanted to date me were local guys, who weren't too bright. I thought eventually I'd find a diamond in the rough (my dad who spoke 3 languages, very bright yet no formal qualifications, did unskilled manual work was my template for this) but it never happened. And although at first these guys were a bit wowed by my brain and job, it soon became (literally) a stick to beat me with.

I've never been married. I was in a relationship for 8 years, 7 of which were unhappy but for financial and emotional reasons I had to stick it out. But for an unexpected pregnancy v soon after we met, it would have fizzled out naturally after a few months. I don't regret it because I have my DS.

This man is the first graduate I've properly dated (I had a couple of one-off dates in my early 20s). I had a conversation with him about it, he'd never dated anyone without a degree.

OP posts:
starofbethlehemfishmummy · 20/12/2013 23:24

Variegated I know several men who were doing this, so not silly at all.

Bant · 20/12/2013 23:44

Does it really matter why he did it? I mean, either it's done, he's shagged-and-run, or he's busy for some reason. It is a busy time of year, to be honest, but I agree with maleview here. If a man is very impressed and into a woman, he will prioritise her above other things, at least in the early stages before a relationship settles down. If he's not, he won't.

Whether he's married, or an arsehole, or the sex was terrible, or he met someone else. It doesn't matter. The only thing the OP can do is move on and see if the bloke gets in touch. She's texted him, he's not responded yet. Another text will seem clingy and if there was any chance of anything, further texting will make it less likely.

It sounds like there's no chance of anything though. Sorry.

Hogwash · 20/12/2013 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olathelawyer05 · 20/12/2013 23:53

"...Being single at 50 is a little bit of a 'whaaaaaagggggh' in itself"

Really? Like how if a woman isn't/hasn't been married by 35, then that should be a red flag?

This is 3-month (max) relationship - that's nothing. Unless there's been some kind of 'we are exclusive' discussion, I would even struggle to call it a relationship in the true sense. He's probably dating other people, some of whom are probably on this thread giving you advice and telling you what a 'wankbadger' he is.

Get over it, move on, and if he calls, decide then if you want to entertain it. Stop self-pitying.

PS. 3 month "man-panic" = man actually thinking rationally for the first time in 3 months, rather than allowing hormones to rule his every decision. "Man-panic" is a good thing. Thinking rationally is a good thing.

JuneauWhoIAm · 21/12/2013 00:10

How often do you mention your graduate status?

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 00:16

In RL, I almost never mention it.

People I work with know the qualifications I have to do the job I do...but generally outside of work, I don't necessarily discuss the job I do (unless asked) let alone make any mention of degree etc.

When I was on dating sites, my profile used to say in the qualifications section that I had a degree. I didn't say any more than that, nor did I say what job I did.

OP posts:
Hogwash · 21/12/2013 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poncedeleon · 21/12/2013 01:29

Oh god, don't listen to ScottishMummy, she lost her empathy gene somewhere along the line.
I think you are on the right path with the change you have made recently in the kinds of men you are dating, but this particular man didn't work out. Which probably has way more to do with him than you.

From the posters who are saying you have posted before under a different name, maybe think about working on your self esteem?

DropYourSword · 21/12/2013 01:54

I have a friend this happens to with EVERY guy she fats around the 6 week mark. I have tried to gently and subtly point out that she comes on far too strong and scares them away help her figure out why it keeps happening. She would continually text every few days if she'd not heard from someone and it just comes across as needy nagging. She really doesn't see it that way though, she just thinks she is being friendly and giving it her best effort.

It's bloody hard, but you've sent a text. Ignore now. It's in his court. And I'd someone is prepared to treat you like this, do you really want to continue seeing them.

Have a mope, drink some wine, then get back on the horse! Have more self love. The posters here talking about self fulfillingling prophecy are spot on. As is Anna