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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
Bakedpies · 21/12/2013 11:14

Annuva - until your last post, you were talking sense. The OP has already said she has lost both her parents, so your advice to call them is a bit heartless.

As is the bit where you say every time you have got busy instead of waiting for a call, you have got the call. Like that has got any influence over the outcome at all.

It hasn't, I would say his silence says it all. And that is very hurtful, when the OP wasn't expecting it. She is allowed to be upset at this happening, it would make her inhuman if she wasn't.

OP, i am sorry this has happened to you, I hope you manage to rally and have a reasonable Christmas.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 21/12/2013 11:16

I think it is too soon to be worried. I'm pretty sure you will get a call. If Christmas comes and goes then you will know he was a rude, insensitive man who didn't deserve you.

Its hard but its not the worst thing that could happen. I hope you hear something today

OpalTourmaline · 21/12/2013 11:17

My response wasn't in response to your post Anuvva. It was in response to an earlier poster who was telling the op off for feeling sad

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 11:18

My children are teenagers. So a bit too old for Father Christmas or doing anything with me.

I'd love to call my parents but as they died 16 and 19 years ago, might prove difficult.

I don't have anyone to see because, well, people are busy with their families at this time of year. Hard if -aside from truculent teens - you don't have one of your own (one of the things he 'got' due to having no family either).

I have stuff to do around the house to keep myself occupied and entertained, and save me from watching crap TV/films and crying. Furniture to move, things to rearrange, presents to wrap, etc.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 11:19

So you continue to act cool.you busy self with other stuff,you move on
It's a shame but well life goes on.its Xmas throw yourself into that
I'd send him a neutral Xmas card,if no response there's your brush off

MasterP0 · 21/12/2013 11:20

This guy IS a coward and I don't believe he will, firstly answer your call/text, if he does what makes you think he will be man enough to say what he didn't have the balls to say in the first place???

If you do decide to contact him, mentally prepare yourself for rejection just in case.

In my final message to the guy who silently dumped me I called him out on his shitty cowardly behaviour!

scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 11:25

Life isn't oprah,no one needs to call anyone on behaviour.what next high 5 for tearing strip off
Send a neutral Xmas txt.leave it at that,Unless you want more emotional angst
And as you said you're smart,funny,you don't need this teenage he's the one stuff

varigatedivy · 21/12/2013 11:30

And it's not her job to "call him out on his behaviour". She's not his mum!
I don't necessarily agree with this.

True, she isn't his mum.

But he is being passive aggressive. Cowardly.

I think it could be assertive to tell someone that their actions were hurtful.

If you don't, then it may simply condone their behaviour- allows them to think it's perfectly ok to treat someone like this and they can walk away 'unscathed'.

He KNOWS he's done wrong.

I don't see anything wrong in telling him that.

But- it's a personal choice. Some people prefer to walk away and lick their wounds in silence.

Others- me really- would need to make contact and say fine, I can see it's over- but you could have had the decency to say it to my face- or even drop an email saying you didn't want to see me any more.

MasterP0 · 21/12/2013 11:32

Yep, BUT I felt better, slammed the door shut and moved on, we all deal with closure differently, for ME it worked (beyond caring how it seemed to HIM)

macygracy · 21/12/2013 11:38

I wouldn't call. I have spent the past 6 months pining after an unemotionally available man and every time I gave in and called or texted I felt awful after. Thing is he would always reply to me but it would be 1-2 weeks later so I always had 1-2 weeks of feeling like shite and then he would respond and I would get a brief high and then the pattern repeated.

The most recent contact was last Sunday night from him, a reply to a message I had sent 9 days previously on FB messenger that I can see he had seen just 10 mins after I had sent it but took 9 days to reply!!

Lucky for me I have great real life friends who I am texting when the temptation to reply gets too much, I have held off replying for 6 days now though last night came close to sending a friendly message but my friend and this thread made me strong enough not too!

patienceisvirtuous · 21/12/2013 11:38

I think, yes give him a while longer. Then if you hear nothing just send a simple text saying 'Get the message that I won't be seeing you again, but the way you've gone about things is pretty low and cowardly.' Or something like that

I agree, let him know it was a shit thing to do (he knows this anyway). Afterall this was more than a couple of dates.

crazyafterall · 21/12/2013 11:42

I can understand why you're pissed off and hurt and upset.

He has behaved very badly but you have no control over that. Only how you respond.
I do agree with maleview that when a man likes a girl he will prioritise seeing her over many other things. It is spectacularly shit to go silent after you have had sex though and a man of that age knows exactly how that would make a woman feel. I really dont think from what you say that you should give him another chance now.

OpalTourmaline · 21/12/2013 11:51

I agree with Patience's suggestion if you are going to contact him

scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 11:58

Oh god ignore the mn feisty yo you tell him,don't send a sassy txt
If you've been slung no how very dare you,I am woman hear me roar txt will shame him
Spend some money on yourself,enjoy holidays,date closer to home.maybe man who not only avail every 2weeks

Monetbyhimself · 21/12/2013 12:02

He's behaved like a shit. You are a grown eoman snd are perfectly entitled to call him and get sime closure on this on 'your' terms.

FluffyJumper · 21/12/2013 12:05

I disagree with the people saying don't contact him.

He's a middle aged man; he should know better.

You've been seeing him for a few months, some sort of explanation, or even text to end it would be a minimum requirement IMO.

HoWever I wouldn't assume it's over just yet, it hasn't been that long.

MasterP0 · 21/12/2013 12:06

I disagree with Scottish!

IF you do send a text, Patience's suggestion is fine! He needs to be called out on his shitty behaviour! IDIOT! Some men uuurrrrggghhhhhh

scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 12:07

Yo!thats it's sista you call him on his shit!great advice,tell him it's your terms
Maybe she could go bitch slap him,would that appease the mn sistas
You couldn't make some of this up,really

scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 12:10

If your relationship ends on a youve treated me sooo bad blah di blah Txt
Then that makes you look a bit bulgy eyed.you dust yourself down,and move on
It hurts,yep,it's unexpected,yep. So get some diversion going on.

nkf · 21/12/2013 12:12

It's grim though. There are loads of threads like this. Man, date or dates, looks promising, the silent treatment.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 12:13

He clearly does know it's crap behaviour. The stuff he told me about the celeb and his friend - he told me he thought it was a shitty, mean, thing to do.

Hence my surprise he's done it to me.

After he said that I thought there's a relief, one that's going to have some manners if he decides to end it, and at least text me or something.

Obviously I was wrong. Or it's not 'over' as far as he's concerned, though I think that's unlikely.

I've not decided yet what to do next. Am planning on mulling it over when I feel my thoughts are clearer, and the 3rd coffee of the day has kicked in.

OP posts:
OpalTourmaline · 21/12/2013 12:14

No one has said she should bitch slap him or say he has treated her so bad.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull · 21/12/2013 12:16

YY to what VarigatedIvy says (I'm now a new fan). You take control OP. as for any "loss of face" if you call to get closure, you would have to wail and gnash your teeth down the phone. Calm, low, dignified voice and you can say what you need to, feel you've taken control, keep your dignity and move on. I wonder if suddenly taking control by phoning, even if/when you've got the negative response, might make you feel a bit more robust and assertive, a bit more possessive about your own feelings and life. Sometimes, just throwing off the passivity that structured genders roles have assigned that can make us much more powerful and attractive.

The Rules (for women) sound very dis empowering if there are certain rules for different genders. It all sounds like game playing and acting to me. I would rather grow a clit and wipe my arse on The Rules (for women). The men who don't like that, aren't man enough for me.

FluffyJumper · 21/12/2013 12:16

I wouldn't send him a text calling him on his behaviour. I would call him, with holding my number (so he can't just fail to pick up) and gauge his reaction and take it from there.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2013 12:16

Well you've always got the mn sistas for the feisty texts and ain't no man gonnae speech
Time to stop dwelling on what's it all mean,have a great Xmas,but it's enough now