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Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 20:37

That's just silly maleview.

If men come on all strong too soon that's just as bad- it often blows itself out sharpish too.

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 20:40

You're an adult woman stop being so clingy and needy.no way is it cool to be so intense
You're reading way too much in absence of fact.hes not told you it over
And if you have broken up,well you throw self into activity,not a 23 yo man

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 20:41

If he wasn't the only educated, intelligent, attractive, nice (I thought) man who had EVER wanted to date me, I'm sure I'd brush this off far more easily.

I thought finally I'd found someone who was a match for me. He said the same.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 20:45

good grief,he's not the only man for you.you liked him,yes.there will be others
Tbh it's a week,and you're this worked up?are you usually so emotional
You shouldn't be so cut up,maintain friendships with pals,do stuff for yourself

Peekska · 20/12/2013 20:46

Actually, my own experience is that for me, what maleview has described is right.
I definitely agree that men can be overly keen and that can be a red flag. I'm not referring to over keen here though. Just that men who are interested do text regularly, call too and make plans ahead for dates. In other words they communicate consistently and reliably, and the same when making plans.

OP, I think it's wrong to say he was never interested. But he does appear to have now lost interest.

Peekska · 20/12/2013 20:48

OP, would you mind linking us to your other thread about this relationship? I do understand if you prefer not to, but I believe it could help you to get better advice

Hogwash · 20/12/2013 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 20:57

Reading your posts you need to work on your self esteem your v self deprecating
All your post about him are how great he his,and grateful you are
relationship needs to be emotionally equal,not a woman feeling glad he picked her

Itstartshere · 20/12/2013 20:57

Some people just get under your skin though Scottishmummy.

OP I recently really fell for someone, he seemed so great - ticked every box. I was so attracted to him and it was lovely. I couldn't believe I'd finally met someone so right. He then totally backed off, decided he couldn't be in a relationship at present and messed me around.

It really hurt, I was cross myself because I'd only known him a few weeks, but I was mourning for what I'd imagined/hoped I'd have with him, not really him. It hurt like anything. It still does, although I'm much further along with it all and angry now that his behaviour got so rubbish at the end and also that I let him mess me around. I know now I'm better off without him and hope someone more worthy of my affections will come along soon, but I do think it's ok to be sad. It's that thing of someone coming along who seems so different to everyone else, isn't it? Of thinking 'this guy is properly nice and we might have something really special' and then having that disappear into nothing.

For the record I would also say if he slept with you and hasn't been in touch he isn't so nice. That's unkind. So if you can put all your feelings to one side for a moment I hope you start getting angry. You deserve better.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 20:58

Thinking I've probably been dumped after a week of no contact isn't being clingy or needy. It's being realistic.

And we see each other every week-fortnight, not every few weeks.

He's the only man I've met in 40 years who ticks the boxes I mentioned, and wanted to date me. Other men do want to date me of course, I'm attractive, have a good figure and a decent personality (when I'm not moaning on here!) but usually only men who are utterly wrong for me.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:01

I'm afraid you're being a bit too melodramatic,he's not the only man.hes a man you liked
Ok so as you say you're smart,funny,attractive.so pack it in with all the angst
I have no idea if it's over,but seeing it's only been a week,and you saw him weekly maybe not?

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 21:05

Itstarts - sorry you got messed around. It's crap when it happens.

This guy was different. It wasn't a thunderbolt thing, I've had that where I literally felt physically stunned meeting someone. But the first time I met him I thought how different he was to my usual type, and every date it seemed to grow a bit.

I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but at the moment it just feels a bit like a kick in the stomach.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:07

If as you say you see him every week-fortnight it's only been a week?
Spoke last week So not prolonged period no contact?

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 21:15

That should be 'how lovely he was and how different...' Etc

Or not so lovely as it turned out!

I do struggle with my self esteem sometimes, I've had a lot of crap from 'friends' and exs over the years, and it's hard always to believe in yourself without a little self-doubt when you're told stuff like you're too common and chavvy-looking for an intelligent, posh man to be interested, or that you dress like a slut, or are nowhere near as attractive or clever as you think you are, and so on.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:17

That's exactly what I'm saying you're self deprecating but so grateful about him
Please stop defining yourself by association with him.like yourself a bit more
It's not equal to be so grateful or in awe of a partner it really isn't

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 21:21

I saw him 2 weeks ago.

Last week, he said by text (paraphrasing) we'll see each other after term ends Weds.

On Weds, I text some general chitchat and when was he free. He's not replied. So it's a week and nothing (we never normally go more than a couple of days between texts) which doesn't look good unfortunately.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:24

and? you're not defined or made complete by this man.move on,no hard feelings

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 21:26

I've never thought anyone I've dated before was 'better' than me, it's quite a departure for me to be in even a tiny way overawed by a man. But he was impressed by me, he said I was the cleverest person he knew. It seems it, but it wasn't all one way, me sitting gazing in wonderment at him or anything. There are plenty of things he's crap at (cooking, DIY, he has no idea at all)

OP posts:
birdybear · 20/12/2013 21:29

have you rung him yet?

figrus · 20/12/2013 21:36

I'd ring him and if he makes a definite date, great. And if he is vague, read the signs and let him go at least you won't be wondering all Christmas.

Cabrinha · 20/12/2013 21:38

I'm sympathetic, really I am. But the drama of "only man in 40 years..." is for 60 year olds.
You haven't even been in the market for 8 of your adult years, when you were with your ex.
Learn from this relationship what you want... now you know that you want more intellectual men, you can hold out for them, not waste your time on the wrong ones.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 20/12/2013 21:39

So sorry OP. I've had this silent-dumping thing too; sadly it seems to be common these days. I think the modern Internet-dating world makes people disposable in a way they weren't before. It's one of the main reasons I'm not dating anymore; how can I trust someone with my emotions when they can just walk away without a backward look the minute I put my mug down on the draining board the wrong way round?
I wouldn't call him tbh. Just move on. Easier said than done, I know. Ultimately, you had sex for the first time and since then he has been distant/AWOL. It speaks for itself I'm afraid. Whatever his 'reason', from your perspective it doesn't really matter - his behaviour makes you feel cheap and hurt. His loss. Move on. Sorry xx

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 21:41

There are some contradictions in how you describe yourself.

On the one hand you seem to think highly of yourself- when you say you've never met a man who could 'match you'- yet on the other hand you've spent years dating losers due to low self esteem.

Which is it?

Do whatever you want- you don't have to do what anyone here says.

But if you do phone make it light- don't ask if you are dumped.

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 20/12/2013 21:42

L

scottishmummy · 20/12/2013 21:46

I think this is all a bit indulgent op,and well not really appropriate given short time you dated