fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

[disappointedandsad]

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

Good luck, OP.

Good luck OP. If he doesn't have a genuine reason for going silent then it's a pretty shitty way to behave and I do think you're owed an explanation.

MarmiteNotVegemite please could you post a link to that singles thread? Thank you x

Good luck OP :)

Good yuck OP. I can't understand why you've been getting such a hard time from some posters here.

Good luck

I can't understand why you're getting a hard time either!

You're not upset because some random guy hasn't phoned you. You liked this one and you thought he was right for you and enjoyed his company and you opened up to him......... I get it, even if others don't.

It happened to me once years ago. And although I don't advise you to ring him, I didn't let the man away with it when I was in my 20s. LIke you, I'd been raised to believe I was 'worthy'. Various crappy men and jobs knocked that out of me a bit over the years unfortunately. I'm sure the man (who I also felt was right for me) thought "lucky escape" when I wrote letters telling him what a shitty thing he'd done and how cowardly he was and how fickle he was and............ so on and so on. He was a friend of a friend and a while later he was crying down the phone to our mutual phone that he'd been dumped suddenly and I just thought 'good'.

I've had psychotherapy and I don't see how therapy would have helped you in this situation. You weren't dating losers because of low self-esteem. You were dating what you thought was a really decent guy, so how is a healthier self-esteem going to help you deal with men that panic and run? Try to fight the depressed feelings.

Do people here really think that the world is so black and white that men are divided into 'goodies' and 'baddies'?

Of course there are men out there who are just out for a shag, no matter what. And there are hopeless romantics looking to put a woman on a pedestal and coming across a bit creepy. And lots of types.

But for the 80,%, (or maybe only 40%) in the middle between those extremes, we look for a woman who is generally confident, interesting, nice, attractive, funny - whatever is on our list. Same as women do, generally. Some women are holding out for the absolutely-perfect guy who doesn't actually exist, some are just interested in someone who'll pay for dinner. Most are normal.

The difference though is that if women date a bloke and the woman is not overly impressed, not that interested in pursuing a relationship, or not liking them or particularly fancying them, then generally they'll drop him. Not always of course, but mostly. Plenty more fish etc etc.

But if men aren't that interested but the woman is showing signs that she is, then they will still possibly, if they're in the mood, stick it out a bit longer to see if the sex is amazing or if she suddenly becomes funny. Then when it generally doesn't happen (amazing sex or the second-coming-of-Eric-Morecambe) we lose interest and move on, and out of embarrassment of our caddishness we just go silent and hope the woman will get the message. I could say it's down to the biologically programmed need for a man to shag-and-move-on but some people on here don't agree in genetics so I won't bother.

Horny men will have sex with a woman they don't particularly like, don't particularly fancy. Horny men will have sex with a woman they need to inflate first. It doesn't mean we emotionally bond with them because of it.

Or of course sometimes we get hit by a bus or lose our phone. Happens a lot, I'm sure.

A woman doesn't need therapy to make herself a nicer person (although it helps sometimes) or to stop attracting arseholes. They might need it though to value themselves enough to realise when they're being strung along as a potential shag.

I want to know what happened. If she rang, and what he said.

Me too!

Bant - Some telling points there from a mans point of view, but in all honesty from what the OP has told us it doesn't sound like the guy was just stringing her along as a potential shag that he wasn't particularly bothered about, which is what you are alluding to. That to me is a bit too black and white, I'm sure there were more things at play in this case, the guys ill health for one and issues with intimacy surrounding it.
I agree that someone who would give the silent dump is the type who would be embarrassed about being thought of as caddish, a classic passive aggressive type, the worst sort of partner imo, they can really mess with your head with their 'who me?' shit and victim mentality...but that's a whole different thread!

im not sure i like the comment that a woman might need therapy to help realise when shes being strung along for a shag.
yet men, they cant help it, they will shag anything, bless their caveman souls, its genetics.

Skim read the whole thread.

Staggered no-one has pointed out he may not have got your text and may be thinking YOU have dumped HIM silently.

For goodness sake. Less of the navel gazing. Ring him. If he answers and is awkward you have your answer. Ring him from your landline (or any other unknown number) so if he doesn't answer you know it is not because he doesn't want to talk to you.

If you are not tuning him because you think it will put him off - get real. A relationship which requires such tiptoeing around has no future anyway.

Pretty sure that I mentioned the chance he hadn't got a text. Though others pointed out that you can see on your phone if they have been sent/opened.

Bit bemused how so many people say he might have lost his phone - so call him !!!

No need to use a landline- you can withhold your number from a mobile- or a landline.

But even if he hasnt got the OP's text, then he told her he would be in contact when term ended to see her, yet term for him ended 5 days ago and shes not heard a jot.

I did point out that the textosphere was playing up last week, leading to very unhilarious consequences for my OH and I when both of us thought we were being ignored by the other.

But Bakedpies makes a good point.

Did you phone him then?

She was always going to phone him I think, whatever we said. In this situation it might be a good idea for 'closure' (providing he isn't spineless enough to fob her off with promised future dates or messages). But I do think you've become too emotionally invested, and far too quickly here.

Good luck

It's a familiar tale on here though. Dating website - has sex for first time with person they meet, then there's silence.

yes, like bant says, those poor men cant help but string women along and see what the sex is like, it saves them running out of breath, inflating the blow up doll.

Its hardly their fault if they sex isnt like 'porn stars r us 2013' or the women doesnt entertain them to a level they are happy with.

Poor man, all he can do is slink off into the background as hes so embarassed.

OR

He is a dick and needs to learn some damn manners.

Id say the latter, but then im not one to think just being a man excuses them from general society accepted manners.

Makes me realise that when I do put myself 'out there' and maybe get close to somebody I'm going to have to say, look, I'm not auditioning for the part of your girlfriend. If you want casual sex, it's not on offer here. If you go ahead and sleep with me, I'll believe that you have already made up your fucking mind about me.

It is dreadful, the way women are treated. And to the male poster upthread can't remember screen name, I'm not dividing men int to baddies and goodies, the point for me is how the women are left reeling at the end of it, and how it is a dating jungle that ultimately suits men more than women.

It's all about setting boundaries. If you don't want casual sex, don't have casual sex. Wait until you've birth decided to be exclusive, are at bf/gf stage, have said ILY, have met each others' friends and family, etc.

I know this sounds like an impossible process, and that no man would be willing to wait that long with so many other women willing to shag immediately. But I made my fiancé wait until we'd passed all these milestones. It took 4 months, which was agony but I knew I wouldn't be happy any other way. I did it for me, because I'm the type who gets REALLY attached after sex. I knew I'd go loopy if we shagged too soon.

"Getting To I Do" is a really good book which has a lot on this.

and bant, how do you know if you're being strung along or not?

that is the problem. if the man will stick around to fake being interested and act as though he is,,,,,,,,,, how is raising your self-esteem going to help with that.

My self-esteem is tickety-boo now and I'd be wary of destroying it by putting myself out there in the dating world to be used and knocked back like the OP has been, and nearly as bad imo, to have several posters imply that it's down to her own radar for badboys or something. This guy seemed decent (or faked it), he seemed to be compatible (or faked it) he was educated to a similar level and she thought that she was attracting somebody similar for a first time, she thought she was breaking a mold, raising her bar!

And this happens to her. I really feel for her.

I have a long history of being treated like this in my 20s, so I settled for a piece of shit in my early 30s. Left him at 37. Have just stayed single since as it's just way too risky really. When you're content and secure and so on, why jeopardise that equilibrium.