fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

[disappointedandsad]

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

Vari very easy to act on by you or me, but not necessarily by the OP.

She came on here seeking advice regarding this bad behaviour by a guy she was dating, not to be over analysed and told she lacks self esteem and self worth!

OP, Unfortunately with an open online forum one must accept that there will be some slightly unhinged people who will comment but there will also be those who give impartial advice!

So WHAT, some of you are frustrated at the number of replies this thread has generated and the time the OP is taking to make up her mind, CHANGE CHANNELS/STOP WATCHING, she doesn't have to do jack shit!

OP, ITS NOT YOU, ITS HIM, the FUCKTARD!

OP I stated over that I didn't want to cause offence, though have interpreted it as an opportunity to have a go at you. Not so. I have no interest to search posting history and haven't done so. Just posted my view - just like everyone else here.

Absolutely post on mn for a moan. After all that's part of its job. Yes some posters disagreeing and challenging responses, but there has been no attack or targeting op here.

So the six men who have dumped her in the way they have don't need to have counselling in etiquette? It is the OP's fault because she is the common denominator. I think if you were using that analogy to other situationsiln ife, you'd be treading on dodgy ground...

And as for telling op she is 'too nice' and 'too soft'

Hope you are okay, op.

Master

How long have you been on MN?

Reading between the lines of someone's behaviour is par for the course.

And- the OP herself stated she had low self esteem- read the thread.

I know I said I was going, however DS2 is at a crucial stage with minecraft just waiting for him to finish.

Ivy, possibly I am too nice - or I try to be in my interactions with others. This is all a bit navel-gazing, sorry, but as a kid I was massively confident. I did solo performances in front of audiences of hundreds from the age of 4. I was always the kid in class who knew all the answers. I was also (possibly) a bit of a horror, and would be quite mean to kids not as clever/quick-witted as me. I was never a bully, but I was probably unkind, and didn't suffer fools.

When I got older, people I knew from school said I was scary, and intimidating. Male uni friends said similar (I once was so disgusted by their mess in our shared house I stuck a big sign on the wall saying they were like pigs in their own filth and I wouldn't tolerate it...they were too scared to speak to me for a term after that. But they did clean up). So I tried being nicer. And it seemed to work. In the sense I got dates, and eventually relationships. Apart from my first relationship, I've been the one to end the others.

This guy said before our first date he was worried I wouldn't find him attractive, and be too nice to say so. I'm not that nice really, as I told him.

I haven't been silently dumped 6 times on the bounce btw - last guy I dated before this messed me around, I pointed this out, and said I was worth more. He admitted this, and said due to circs he could only offer me fwb. To which I said no thanks. So that time I was assertive, and it did actually work to a) get me an answer to why he'd gone all vague (not quite silent, but he did start cancelling dates and being evasive) and b) make me feel (to use a word that will make scottishmummy cringe I'm sure!) empowered. But we'd only had a few dates, I liked him but it didn't feel quite the same as this.

I am going to phome btw. I don't think I'll be able to move on unless I do. So decision made.

Telling someone they are too nice is not an offence.
Why are you being so weird about that comment?

OP - I've just skimmed this thread, and want to jump in to say I'm sorry that you've having such a shit response - both on here, and in RL from the bloke that you like.

I too have been dumped both silently, and less than silently. It's shit. The constant urge to text him, to just find out what the hell has happened is shit. Not knowing is shit.

I have been there - and I can tell you this - receiving a reply from him when you finally cave and contact him is no victory at all. You'll feel empty. If you hear from him without you having to prompt him, that is worth 1000 times more than a hollow reply to you reaching out to him.

Don't do it to yourself. That's my advice. What you choose to do is up to you.

I too was once dumped just before Christmas. I had been working on a lovely drawing for the guy I was seeing. I felt like a total idiot every time I looked at it. I felt like an old fool. But I picked myself up and got over it. It was shit for a few weeks, but after that it was fine. Hide the gift that you have wrapped for this guy somewhere where it's not a constant reminder to you. Don't torture yourself by seeing it under the tree. Just shove it in a cupboard and deal with it after Christmas.

I really really hope that the negative responses that you've had on this thread haven't upset you just before Christmas. Please know that there are lots of people here who want to give support. I have been on the receiving end of some fantastic support on MN, plus some criticism and projecting about how I should act. Please look past the negative stuff and just try and cherry pick the good advice from the bad. After all, it's your life, it's you that has to live it.

And, for what it's worth.. I would consider shagging the 23 year old as a Christmas present to yourself!!! (Just joking.. well sort of..)

Good luck with it all then OP!

sueveneer, you may not have meant to offend op, but op has told you that you have.

And you were able to memorize a post that op had written a year ago, without the help of the search button?

Astonishing!!

OK, so if OP has decided that she wants to phone him, then let's just try and help her to deal with that in the best way that she can.

No, it's not what I would do... but then I've made some spectacularly bad decisions in my dating career, so what the hell do I know.

So, if you're going to phone him - keep it casual (in the words of Monica from Friends, "I'm Breeeeezy!"). Don't ask him why he hasn't been in touch - that's a instant red flag to him - but just say hi, say you wanted to wish him happy Christmas etc, and leave it at that.

Then you've answered your concerns about him being unable to text you for some reason, without you having to actually ask him. (Believe me - if he's keen on you and there IS some genuine reason why he hasn't been able to contact you, he will volunteer that information gladly)

Then you should leave it up to him. If he still doesn't get in touch, then you have your answer and you can move on.

Good luck

the OP herself stated she had low self esteem- read the thread

So that's a good enough reason/justification to badger her, is it?

This thread is horrible. She has low self esteem so people see that as an excuse to badger her & tell her coerce her into doing what they want her to do.

vari, so instead of the op being 'too nice', she now needs to be ' too horrible'?

I certainly wasn't being 'weird' about that comnent. What a weird thing to say

Keep your chin up, op, some people delight in others' misfortunes and I would say that they are the ones who would benefit from some type of therapy.

Merry Christmas y'all

It's irrelevant how long I've been on MN!

Anywhooooo.......OP GOOD LUCK with the call!!!! I REALLY hope it's a case of lost phone etc. one way or the other it's going to be a very interesting call, if he's not/is interested I hope for your sake he SAYS WHAT HE MEANS, AND MEANS WHAT HE SAYS!

Amistill- honestly, I don't really understand your lack of emotional intelligence here.

Loads of people are 'too nice' for their own good in some circumstances. If anyone has to have faults, then it's a good one to have!

I didn't actually say she had to be 'too horrible' so don't put words into my mouth or extrapolate.

The problem with a breezy phone call is the OP doesn't feel breezy. I get the impression that she wants to be like an old fashioned father and ask him his intentions. If playing games is silly then it's silly to play this one.

"Hi there, Just checking you weren't dead or at death's door. Your health's so bloody awful that anything's possible with you....... {Ending with} Have a nice Christmas if you're able. Bye!"

I'd call this a nice friendly phone call which will give you all the info you need

And if he doesn't ring back, then what? He lost his phone? He really is too busy to listen to voicemail messages? He's too frightened by the intensity of his feelings?

Better to ask him if he's dumped her.

Frankly the thread has gone from OP wanting to vent about a guy being rude and inexplicable (haven't we all been there?) to posters with their own differing opinions arguing...then ridiculing OP ...dragging up history and generally being unpleasant and unsupportive

I'd do what Santerre said. It's what adults might do... All the game playing and discussion pfft. I cba

I'd go with a 'Hi there, just ringing to wish you a happy Xmas, and hope you are okay . I'm really busy as you can imagine, with all the Xmas stuff going on but be great to hear from you over the next few days if you are around.'

If he doesn't, that's her answer.

OP, no mind games, ask the question you need to ask after all the pleasantries.

Have you been single for a long time, are you without any family? Because if not, I really don't think you should seek to tell me to minimise my feelings

OP, I've just read the full thread, and I so know how you're feeling -- or rather, I've been in your situation, so i've felt my version of it. It's shit. And generally the people telling you to look to yourself are not single, or not single for a long time.

There was a really moving thread in here a few months ago about the realities of being single. A lot of smug coupled ups just don't get it.

And they also don't get that there are actually demographically more suitable available women than suitable available men, frankly. So notwithstanding your understandable hurt, I think there's also that sinking sensation, that well, this might be it. It's a wearying exhausting feeling.

And what is so wrong about your feelings? You met a man who seemed lovely. You slept with him after taking it slowly. You allowed yourself to feel something. Quelle horror! Feeling something for another person & wanting it to continue! Oh how terrible!

He's an emotional coward and seems to have backed off at a rate of knots which is rubbish behaviour.But feeling low about that is normal. And not an indication that you are in need of psychological treatment ffs!

Good luck and I hope you sort out what happened, and get some closure.

OP, I agree with what Cosy has said. If he has a genuine reason for not having been able to call you, it will be the first thing he says. He will be so happy to hear from you if that really is the case and it will be obvious from his demeanour on the phone.

Good luck.