fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

[disappointedandsad]

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

Op - sorry this has happened to you. Take some time to look after yourself and process what has happened. Whether you should initiate contact or not I am not sure. I think that us your decision to make. Good luck

The problem with telling the OP to ignore advice from "nasty" people is that sometimes that advice may be helpful, and people are inclinded to interpret anything that challenges their entrenched thought processes as "nasty". Our nicest friends can be our own worst enemies if they don't call us out on repeat patterns of behaviour and challenge our flaws.

Isn't it weird that a post about whether to call a bloke after an 8 week dating thing goes cold elicits over 400 replies?

Just shows I suppose that a lot of people are either in the call or don't call camp.

Which is odd in itself when the don't call camp have consistently been proved right thread after thread...

I was fortunate enough to be offered four counselling sessions by phone on NHS. It was CBT and I was very hostile to the idea, mainly because it was by phone but also because I thought I just had to accept that my perceptions and thoughts were right as they were so entrenched. So I agree with ALittleStranger.

I did go for it though as I knew my doctor was sincerely trying to do the best for me and not only did it help, I ended up leaving a seven year old dead end relationship which I had persuaded myself to stay in due to probably never meeting anyone else/he was not an abuser so I was lucky/he was nice and I should be grateful/ etc......

Well I did do it and have felt so happy and contented since.

I know the OP has to do what is right for her, but I am inclined to think that the sooner she finds out for sure what has "happened" to this man, the sooner she can get angry/relieved at the outcome and move on.

OP if you cannot afford counselling, how about the book CBT for dummies. I found it very helpful. It is a work in progress to apply the principles but far better than feeling you are stuck.

Just to add, we did not even discuss my relationship in the CBT - it was just a natural outcome of the lightbulb moment in my head!

There is no SCIENTIFIC FORMULA when dealing with human beings, what works for others may not work for some, so I'm baffled by your statement ALittleStranger

How do you know the "don't call camp" have consistently been proven right??

what do you mean little?

There is no 'right' or 'wrong'- it's down to personal choice.

AnuvvaMuvva, you made a genuine mistake and gave a genuine apology. You have tried to advise the OP as best you can. I thought that was pretty obvious. I think you are pretty ok.

OP, why haven't you called him?
Tbh you told us he had a serious illness and is on meds that still need adjusting, don't you think there is a tiny chance he is ill again?

Maybe I'm naive but I wouldn't want to hang in limbo over Christmas and would either ring him until someone answers or go to his. If he's there, fine, you know where you are.

He doesn't sound like a silent dumper.

Little I didn't advise the OP to ignore everything who said anything but 'there diddums you are right hun', I suggested she ignore people who are nasty on this thread, and in rl.

Nasty is completely different from supportive yet challenging, as most people do know. and if you'd read the whole thread you'd have seen that OP has many people in her life who are not that good for her, such as friends with the constant jibes and put downs.

Maybe OP should keep all these friends as they're obviously right to put her down and damage her self esteem? And throw away any good friend who is kind a d supportive as they are obviously encouraging her in her terrible ways? Humm.

Btw I haven't seen the OP give any negative comments on anyone who has been kind but challenging, only those who've been treading closely towards personal attacks / utter non empathy and belittling her feelings.

"... i should think this time next year you could be in a very different emotional place."

Sadly though, the op posted on a thread exactly one year ago. With the exception of the man's age, profession and distance between homes. The rest was almost exactly the same. Word.For.Word. Im not disputing whats been posted, just highlighting that there IS a pattern and history to this. One that is being overlooked.

OP im really genuinely sorry that you are still having negative responses from significant people in your life. I really am not being insensitive to your situation and experiences and I hope you will accept that. Almost each time I read such a thread title, I guess it will be you, and sadly if often is. I wish any one of us could say the words that would help you to feel better about this, but it seems to me that you possibly have a need to not move on just now.

At risk of being accused of blaming the op, I will say that the common denominator is you. Not to say you are doing anything wrong in your relationships. It could change and break the cycle of how you feel, (so low, tearful and dejected when they come to an end) by responding differently both in and out of them? I mean it kindly when I say id like to see posts from the happy, funny person that you say you are, as your posts are mostly so...serious and 'heavy'. PP is right, a silent (non)goodbye is upsetting for sure, but 400+ posts? Really? And have you actually made a decision whether or not to make further contact? Don't sweat the small stuff. This really isn't the huge deal that its becoming - I say that as I feel drawing it out isn't helping you. Be kinder to yourself, make a decision to call or not. Stick to it. Dust yourself down, love yourself more for doing so, and move on. Actually, I think that's part of the issue in a nutshell - the problem isn't the 'dumped by silence', it the not moving on. That you have attached the powerful emotion of 'fear' is telling and perhaps a good place to start in acknowledging where you are with yourself and the deep disappointment you express here when you feel let down by the people in your life who you feel ought to treat you better.

Again, I really do mean this all kindly.

Good post Allof

Well po you've gone into !!!!!! And bold overdrive,missing point.
Poorturkey appeared to be apologising for male behaviour,I observed he doesn't need to
Nor do I (or any woman) need to apologise for female behaviour

I advised not to fall in pitfalls of men are like this And
Women are like that

Po,on this post I'm responding to the op,and the unfortunate predicament of the absent boyfriend .that in no way is a generalisation of women.its a response to this thread

Oh well, Sue, I am naive and maybe should keep away from the relationship board.

Morning, OP.

I hope you are okay? I have been in your situation a few times too. It sucks, it really does. Online dating really isn't easy and you never know what you are up against. You sound like a sweet, intelligent, considerate woman and I really hope you believe the qualities that you have in yourself. It does sound like you have low self-esteem but hardly suprising what you have been through.

I don't think you need counselling either. You are bound to know why you feel the way you do. And if it makes you sad then you are just reacting to how you feel. I don't see anything wrong in that.

I remember dating some guy, years ago. After our date he said 'you're nothing like what it said on the tin'. He then explained that my online profile saying I was this outgoing, sociable woman, etc, was not what he had perceived, at all. Indeed, I am that person but only when I am in my comfort zone, I.e, around people who know me.

I think ringing him will only confirm what you already know. And to have it confirmed in such a way, won't make you feel better. You are not responsible for other people's actions. And as we know, most men we meet are sweetness and light to begin with. I've never met an online profile hat said 'hi,II beat my last girlfriend up but I'm a nice man really'.

OD is a risk to take in oorder to meet someone who will hopefully make you happy. But it is a risk and we can be anyone we want to on there.

You will get there, op, and the feelings of crapness will fade.

Hang on...

• The OP has said herself that this has happened many times in the thread title - so the whole 'tut tut this has happened to you before OP' revelations are redundant.

• The OP hasn't written 400 posts so I don't understand how she can be criticised for the number of posts we have written.

Scott, I am missing the point......oh ok?!?!?!?!?!? continues to Shake Damn Head

I really shouldn't rise to this but Sue, you're talking bollocks. I wasn't posting exactly the same thing exactly a year ago. And in fact any posting I was done at that time was on a particular thread as you well know. So please don't deliberately shit stir under the guise of a namechange and the pretence of constructive advice.

If you actually bother to search my last posting name, or the one before that, or the one before that (all of which I'm sure you'll know, because clearly you know me so well), you will see posts going back to 2008. Chatty posts, funny posts, posts giving advice. And yes some where I'm sad and unhappy too. Because most people are at some point in their lives unless they're an emotional vacuum.

My emotional response is really not for you to judge. What's your relationship history? Have you been single for a long time, are you without any family? Because if not, I really don't think you should seek to tell me to minimise my feelings.

Just wanted to clear that up. Thanks to those of you who have been genuinely supportive. I'm off out shortly to rush round doing some last minute Xmas stuff.

Fluffy, indeed. 400+ posts. But only 2 days, people.

443 posts of which 60 belong to OP and 43 belong to the poster who thinks there are too many posts on the subject

Fluffy I think the criticism ( and I was the first to mention 400 posts- but it wasn't in any way aimed at the OP) that's coming is because posters are impatient that she hasn't come back and said she has made a decision.

A common theme that has come over with the OP is the inability to be assertive and agonising over something that should be quite easy to act on- especially given the advice over 400 posts.

This happens with her 'friends' - who need to be dumped, the EA and DV she suffered for years - and - by her own admission, low self esteem going back to pre uni- not dating till she was in her 20s, then she set the bar high for men but ended up with losers due to low confidence.

This is why I suggested counselling- or maybe even life/relationship coaching- as a way of breaking this pattern of always seeming to be on the back foot in relationships.

There's a phrase that applies here I think: 'paralysis by analysis'.
Over-thinking.

What is often behind this is fear. fear of what will happen if you get off the fence.

And behind that fear is low self esteem, the need to be liked and loved, and being terrified of doing the wrong thing.

I don't know the back posts that posters are talking about. But 6 silent dumpers in a row is either sheer bad luck or they pick up that it's ok to treat the OP like this ( it's easier isn't it?) because she's...well....so nice, perhaps- they don't want to hurt out by being upfront, and maybe she's gentle and they know she won't give them a hard time if they give her the silent treatment.

OP- I think you do need to consider if something in your behaviour towards men in some way 'allows' them to treat you like this.
Maybe you are too nice, too soft, too ready to be the good guy all the time.....I don't know- but think about it.

I'd just add that the counselling jibe wasn't a jibe or interrogation. I have several friends who are counsellors and none would take on a client for 1 session. It's unheard of- unless it's an exploratory session to see if you 'click'. Brief, solution-focused counselling lasts for 6 sessions and some people go for many months or even years.