fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

[disappointedandsad]

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

Well, I think the OP comes across as someone reacting pretty normally to (apparently) shitty behaviour on the part of a man.

I did think yesterday that she was making assumptions a bit too soon, but obviously as each day goes by without contact, it seems that this man has had second thoughts. That's obviously a huge disappointment when you feel you've had a real connection with someone - & had sex with them.

Olathelawyer - how does wanting / expecting to be treated with decency and courtesy by someone with whom you've been intimate imply trying to "own" a man? And what do you mean by his "apparent crime"? Obviously the OP still doesn't know for sure what's happening here, but if she has been dumped in this way, while it's clearly not a "crime", it is appalling, disrespectful behaviour. I think it's a bit sad if women are meant to have such low expectations & then come in for censure if they don't have the "confidence & dignity" to be able to move on immediately. Makes me bloody glad I'm not single in today's world.

I think if someone didnt act upset, having dated and slept with someone, they might have more issues than the OP is being lumbered with here.

Its an awful thing to do to someone, They dated for a while, waited to have sex due to him. Then when they did do the deed, he went cold and has left the OP bewildered and upset a few days before Christmas. That is nasty behavior and while its not criminal, its not something you would want to happen to you.

I dont like this piling in on women telling them its their fault either, most people do not have infallible self esteem, we all have moments where we falter, kicking someone when they are upset isnt a nice thing to do either.

Totally agree, Bakedpies. And what's with all the accusations of being "needy"? Don't we all feel the need to be treated with good manners, at the very least, & preferably kindness & honesty too? And it's perfectly natural to be upset when we're not, particularly if it's by someone we've grown close to & have come to like and trust.

OP

There are a number of organisations that offer free or reduced cost counselling, as do counsellors on the BACP website. In my area there is free counselling for women via an organisation. I suggest you explore this- it's an investment that will be worth it in the long term.

The benefits of my successful career are already accounted for. If you live in London and have children, unless you earn a six figure salary (I don't) or have family money (ditto), you can't afford unlimited extras, and for me therapy is an extra, not an essential. What I can do for free is read some books I have been given, and stop allowing people, particularly 'friends' to bring me down, or get away with little digs :)

And I don't think it's wrong to be upset. I am a heart on my sleeve person, but that's what my true friends say (rightly or wrongly) is one of the best things about me.

I don't think it's needy to expect to be treated well. I behave to others as I'd hope they would to me - I hold doors open, help old ladies across the road, thank people for little kindnesses. When I've had a date or dates, and it's been wrong for me, I've sent a polite text, or (in the pre-mobile days) called. I've never ignored someone, or disappeared on them, because I think it's common courtesy and politeness not to.

And everything in the interactions we had up to now suggested he was a similarly thoughtful and courteous person, hence my shock and upset. Because it's never nice to have the rug pulled from under your feet.

I empathise with the OP, single similar amount of time though had enough dead-end relationships on and off. I think I've come to a conclusion that it's sometimes a case of men holding onto more past baggage than is healthy. Thinking back, in my twenties I never came across as much shit behaviour like this, they seem to get worse with age and experience rather than learning how to treat a person.
Don't go assuming it is something you are doing, we are at an age where a lot of men you meet have themselves had negative experiences which can make them behave in strange ways. You just met another one of those.
A tip would be that if only getting to see an OD every 2 weeks, chances are they are not seeing you exclusively and could just go silent when they preferentially pursue others. Perhaps aim to get to have 'the talk' before sleeping with them to avoid as deep a disappointment.

Thanks for this thread OP. It has been very interesting to read and I hope you feel a lot better soon.

It has brought back a memory of an old boyf of mine. When we first met, he came on very heavy, I was the woman he had been looking for to settle down with etc. He was always late and had always been to the pub before coming round. I was a sp like you.

I was trying to play it cool but was getting sucked in nevertheless. He kept saying that he felt I never made any efforts like ringing him up (pre mobiles, I only had his work number) and it would be nice for him to feel I felt the same way.

In the end I did phone to say hello and he was strangely awkward and surprised but hey I was doing what he had wanted...no?

After that he disappeared for over a week and a half. No calls..nothing. In the end I got a male friend to phone where he worked and he was still alive...had not been run over by a bus...struck by lightening.

In the end I went storming round to where he lived...paid for a taxi to do so and demanded to know why he was avoiding me. Can you believe he said that after I had phoned him at work...he felt I was getting a bit heavy!!!!

I told him to never contact me again. He was flustered and trying to come up with excuses etc. I flew out of the house in a high dudgeon!

Weeks later he did phone....and it gave me great satisfaction to slam the phone down the minute I heard his voice. He also turned up at the door and the door was slammed in his face too.

It all seems quite amusing now but at the time, it was only when I got in touch with my anger that I was able to see I deserved better.

Still meeting lame ducks or psychopaths though despite the tsunami of fresh cock mentioned earlier which had me laughing out loud.

Just read the thread - nothing much to add about dating stuff but I had my phone nicked a few weeks ago. No numbers backed up anywhere. I got a replacement sim thru then got a new phone but had no ones number. My eldest is at uni and I had no record of her mobile number.

I am still missing lots of contacts. Has been an unpleasant and complicated time.

Mind you he could just be being an arsehole...

We saw each other every 1-2 weeks, it varied. Mostly it was 7-10 days between dates, not a full 2 weeks. I very much doubt he was/is seeing anyone else.

He didn't come on strong, frankly that would've put me off. It just felt very natural and relaxed from the very start, he used to say how comfortable and at ease he felt around me. I felt similarly.

I've had some lovely messages from close friends, who are shocked and upset for me. That, and the supportive comments on this thread help a bit.

Of course no one on mn knows You,no we cannot definitively say we have measure of you
But by posting online,to anonymous strangers you're asked us to comment
Inherent in asking strangers for their opinion is fact we don't know you,you don't know us

You're not compelled to act on any advice received here,nor does anyone expect you to.
It's immaterial whether your new poster or have posted under numerous nom de plum
No one here does know you,or your previous emotional experiences,in same respect you don't know the respondents or our emotional experiences

OP, about five years ago, after a LONG period of singledom, I met a guy who was pretty much perfect (so I thought). He was talented (he is an artist, and he has featured in The Times as well as on TV in various bits and pieces. A big deal was always made about how 'deep' and 'enigmatic' he is.

We went out for a while, he was very keen, very lovely. One Thursday he wanted to meet up on the following Sunday to see a movie at the pictures (his suggestion), called Shrooms. I said yes...that night he spent hours texting me different reviews he had found of the film. The next day...nothing! He was completely quiet. Saturday...nothing!! I texted and phoned on Sunday...nothing. Never heard from him again.

Anyway, even though I was CRUSHED...I am now married with three children to the most wonderful man. Don't worry - if he doesn't come back to you, he isn't right for you. And you really are better alone than with a man who is not right for you.

oh god allofa fumble, i once had a similar thing. I was chatting with a man who i met online, he wouldnt meet until ' we had feelings for each other' we chatted for 6 months, by that point emotions were running high, he told me he wanted me to be honest about how i felt, to be open with him, to tell him how much i wanted him. We had a lovely date, the next day i told him how much i had enjoyed seeing him, how i couldnt wait to do it again, all the things he had been telling me for 6 months that he wanted me to say, He had told me he loved me before he met me.

Apparently i came on too strong, he told me this after vanishing for a good 3 months. Apparently i scared him off by doing the exact thing he asked me to do, had persuaded me to do.

Didnt i feel like a fool.

Ive wised up since then.

It is fairly obvious this man has decided to move on without the OP in his life. Even if all his limbs had dropped off, if he was mad about OP he would crawl a million miles on his arse rather than risk losing her! He is gutless and cowardly. Ringing him will do no good. He has moved on in his head (and these pathetic men have an uncanny knack of using ANY phone call/text to prove to themselves what a lucky escape they had from such a 'bunny boiler'...

Interesting points.does the ease of perusal and mass availability desensitise people?
I also know online success stories who've met and have meaningful relationship
I suppose be careful,don't be too unguarded,it's got potential
To be great or dreadful

Bakedpies glad I am not the only one. Funny thing is he took up with a single parent who lives quite near me. They went on to have three children so it does seem that one woman's meat is another woman's poison.

God bless us all, everyone of us in our quest for love!!!

Agree with 34DD. Internet makes it like choosing from a pick and mix selection!

just fucking phone him!

I was firmly in the 'don't contact' camp, but now I've heard that you only have each other's mobiles I've changed my mind a bit. Last week my mobile went strange and I couldn't dial, receive calls/texts/emails/do anything. The little bugger wouldn't even let me charge it! These things happen.

I'm thinking now that a phone call wouldn't do any harm, considering what you've had together and the fact that you've slept together. Shame on him if he really has dumped you...it is him who should feel bad after you call, not you.

How did you both meet OP?

OP

I think you come over as being a bit defensive in reply to my suggestion about counselling.

Living in London is expensive yes, but equally there are more organisations where you can access reduced fee therapy. Some work on a 'pay what you can afford' basis. One of these is the Albany Trust based in Balham which is an excellent charity. Their website actually states that fees should not be a limiting factor if you need support.

Therapy when you have a history of abuse is not an 'extra'- it's a necessity and in your shoes I'd rather go without clothes, holidays and anything else I could economise on in order to get my head sorted out.

I suggested counselling ages back and I don't know your MN history though other posters clearly do.

They are suggesting the same.

Maybe you ought to listen?

Ivy, I wasn't responding to your post on counselling, yours x-posted with mine, but a previous one. So far as I'm aware, there is no free counselling in my part of London, certainly not at times I could access it, but I will investigate that further.

At no point have I dismissed the suggestion out of hand, quite the opposite. But practically, unless I can find something free (or very low cost) at weekends, it won't be possible.

I don't view it as an essential, even if I did, my money only stretches so far and there's not much I could economise on. Holidays are also extras in my view, I haven't had one for 2 years.

varigatedivy I don't think OP has a history of abuse, unless I have missed something.

I didn't say free, I said it was what you could pay- they would accept a fiver or a tenner I think.

Utterly- you have missed it :) she said she had been the victim of EA and DV and had her face smashed in ( or words like that) for voicing an opinion.