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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 21/12/2013 15:29

R

sebsmummy1 · 21/12/2013 15:30

That should have said just ring him. You haven't followed your initial text up with ten more, you have allowed radio silence now for a week. I think it is perfectly acceptable to now pick up the phone and check all is well.

Lizzabadger · 21/12/2013 15:31

This is a horrible thing to have happen to you. It's happened to me too and made me feel really furious.

If he behaves like this he really wasn't all that.

Stay busy, treat yourself kindly and above all DON'T CONTACT HIM. It will only make you feel worse.

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 15:33

You know where he lives and you have his phone number. If his phone is lost or stolen, then he has none of your information, having never been to your home.

Just go round and knock on his door for goodness sake!

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 15:34

And... I'm sure he would do that if the boot was on the other foot.

OpalTourmaline · 21/12/2013 15:46

Think I might get that printed as a car sticker Gobble Grin

McFox · 21/12/2013 15:51

I don't understand why there's still a debate - if you want to phone him, do it, get it over with then move on. What's the point in torturing yourself this this?!

olathelawyer05 · 21/12/2013 15:59

"...And... I'm sure he would do that if the boot was on the other foot."

How are you sure he would turn up and knock on her door? Do you know him? Maybe he would just say "oh well, perhaps she's lost interest, life goes on".... Which is what the the OP should find the self-control and class to do.

Peekska · 21/12/2013 16:00

The celeb is the famous(ish) person mentioned in the OP !I know a lot of people don't RTFT but surely you do actually read the actual OP to get the gist? No?
The celeb isn't terribly relevant to the thread, it's the comment the guy made that's been viewed as relevant.

LineRunner · 21/12/2013 16:01

My OH has quite a few texts in the 'Sent' folder of his phone that I never received (from earlier in the week). Neither of us know why I didn't't receive them. Their non-arrival caused a misunderstanding about some arrangements that was a right pain in the arse.

Just saying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2013 16:26

I see, olathelawyer05 so, if the OP doesn't do as you so helpfully suggest... How are you sure he would turn up and knock on her door? Do you know him? Maybe he would just say "oh well, perhaps she's lost interest, life goes on".... Which is what the OP should find the self-control and class to do.

Then she has no class or self-control? Wow. Really. You're a piece of work. I doubt you'd recognise 'class' if it jumped up and smacked you on your smug nose.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 21/12/2013 16:49

OP poor you, I really feel for you. I too have had a not great past with partners and I see a pattern with mine, that I'd really like to break once and for all.

Because I've had so many self esteem bashing and nasty relationship endings, they sort of pile up so if you are sad cos a relationship has not come to be, the sadness you feel is so deep and heavy cos it's about mourning all of the awfulness at once - like a crushing weight on you when you'd dared to hope it was all changing.

Anyway, just wanted to say, I hear you and I think I've felt your pain. Ive not dated or even vaguely made myself available to anyone for years now, I have loads of stuff going on and it's now I've started to put my feelers out to think about changing myself so I'm a bit more 'protected' as I'd love to have a partner, but know right now I can't stand the pain or repetition of the awful patterns.

So, I'm trying to work on myself, and make myself ready to date again - well, honestly, ready for the first time as I never really was. I need to feel comfortable in myself, and mourn and put away all those awful experiences, and grow my defenses and Teflon a bit more.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 21/12/2013 16:55

Btw totally agree with something u said earlier...

Imagine your day as a series of engagements with people that either knock you down a bit, or nurture and strengthen you.

You can't change people, but you can change who you engage with... In order to just feel ok in daily life, you need to be breaking even with the contacts you have. And how can you grow and love yourself and enjoy living if you are constantly being worn down and assaulted by negative interactions.

Someone said this to me about 5 yrs ago, and slowly I jettisoned a (large!) amount of 'friends' and work colleagues who I thought were friends. It really really helps. It was hellishly scary but freeing and relaxing at the same time, doing away with all the little jibes and put downs.

I was so scared of being without friends, but the friends I have left are so much nicer and worthwhile than a hundred not-real friends

PiperChapman · 21/12/2013 17:10

I recognise you as well and this is very very common for you. You are ALWAYS angst ing over a man and playing it out on the net .

I say that not to be mean but to highlight that its probably best to work on your self esteem and get some counselling. You do come across as very needy and needing a man to bolster you . Stop dating and try exploring why your confidence is so low.

Again, please don't think I'm being mean. I just know that you are like this often with men and surely it's time to change that?

Peekska · 21/12/2013 17:23

ah.
Piper thanks for your post.
This is one of those times when the ability to NC on here is not a good thing because posters who've been around awhile can better advise if they know the OP's back story.

In this case I absolutely agree that it would be a good idea to get some counselling before dating again.

Hogwash · 21/12/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 18:59

I had one session of counselling because that was all I could get via a work schene. I simply don't have the cash to afford any more, I am a LP and my money only stretches so far. What it did confirm to me is that all the time I am getting shit off people, I will find it that much harder to maintain my self esteem.

People calling me needy who don't know me is another thing I can do without. I have posted on M N for 6 years, under various names. I have been single for almost all that time (the start of my posting time coincided with the end of my last relationship) and have been dating, on and off, during it. I have posted asking questions, or contributed to others' threads on dating-related matters. I have also posted about lots of other stuff. I have not been on here every week banging on about some man fucking me over, so let me correct that impression. I am not in the least needy in RL - people who actually KNOW me and like me (let's not include a lot of 'friends' in this) think I'm incredibly self-reliant, far more than most. How I may, or may not come across on M N is not necessarily the public 'me' that other people see. So I'll thank use of the n word to be left out of it. Unless those who have used it about me are ALSO coming from a position of being single for 6 years? Because unless you have been, and been on the receiving end of bad male behaviour during that time, you don't know how you might react, or appear to others.

I haven't phoned yet. I probably will later, or tomorrow. I can't really go round and knock on his door aa he lives 45 miles away - so not just down the road!

OP posts:
oldmacdonaldsrednosedreindeer · 21/12/2013 19:03

Just take 34DD up on her offer: Fuck it OP pm me his number and I will ring him and find out if he is dead or not or just being a wanker and put us all out of misery

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull · 21/12/2013 19:14

Can I have his number then, to bollock him once 34DD has found out, if he has been a wanker.
Hope you are ok OP. Go easy on yourself.

olathelawyer05 · 21/12/2013 19:43

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

If the alternatives are:

  1. turning up at his door unannounced/uninvited or; or
  2. telephoning/texting to "call him out" on this apparent crime of his,

then yes, I think finding the private dignity and confidence within you to get over it and move on with your life is the classy, winning option.

I wasn't suggesting that she would inherently lack class by doing something else, but why does she need to confront him? Why this need to somehow 'own' the man and get in a last dig at him (as some other posters are suggesting)? You can allege smugness all you want, it doesn't make me wrong. I've experienced similar in my past dating experience, and I've just moved on without needing to call anyone out.

AnuvvaMuvva · 21/12/2013 19:44

If you do call him, for God's sake don't do it on a Saturday night.

I'm sorry I missed that your parents have died. Really sorry about that.

AnuvvaMuvva · 21/12/2013 19:45

Agree completely that a "how dare you treat me this way" call or text will only result in him thinking he's had a lucky escape.

ALittleStranger · 21/12/2013 19:47

You really should take the benefits of your succesful career and stick with the therapy. See it as akin to a Jo Malone candle. A good therapist would not leave you with this as a conclusion for example. "What it did confirm to me is that all the time I am getting shit off people, I will find it that much harder to maintain my self esteem."

And it's perfectly possible to be needy and self-reliant (I am). Also, given that you're ODing, there are benefits in listening to how people on the internet think you come across...

AnuvvaMuvva · 21/12/2013 19:47

OP, you need more fun, lively, lighthearted friends in your life. Preferably other single mums.

poorturkeys · 21/12/2013 19:53

You could argue that if a man's health is somewhat fragile and could be cause for concern it would be uncaring and rather cold of his girlfriend not to enquire if he is, in fact, ok and well when he didn't answer any text you sent.
Surely that doesn't come across as chasing after him or being needy at all?

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