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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/12/2013 13:49

do you have any reason to contact him again? Do you have stuff at his house or does he have stuff at yours?
If so, I'd text him telling him he can pick his stuff up at whatever time, and you want it out of your house before Christmas Eve.

leobear · 21/12/2013 13:51

Or just give his stuff to the charity shop

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 21/12/2013 13:52

OP, great idea to get rid of the friends who aren't really friends. Give yourself a new start for 2014.

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? Very useful for people who have experienced DV/EA in past relationships and you might make a friend, too.

I'm not surprised you want to take a break from dating. But don't get too worried about there being something wrong with you. It sounds like this is the first person you've dated with your new, better "criteria", so it's early days to be spotting patterns. The other silent-dumpers were not right for you in any case. This guy was better; it was good while it lasted. In a month or two, you may be ready to meet others and enjoy dating again.

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 13:58

I suppose there's a chance he could have just lost his phone or had it stolen?

Just saying.

Rumplestiltskinismyname · 21/12/2013 14:00

OP I'd ring him. You have yourself said he's a decent chap- there is probably an explanation. If not, then at least you can say goodbye over the phone. It's christmas- I want to believe that there is some human decency and that he had just been absorbed with something!

No game playing, just ring and say hi- was ringing to see if everything was okay?

ChristmasStrumpet · 21/12/2013 14:01

Hi OP I dont think I can offer much useful advice being that I have been out of the dating game for too many years.

What I do remember is the horrid anguish these type of situations can being on. I would be tempted to say just call and see how the land lies and take it from there because I really cant be arsed with the "game" of looking too keen, desperate etc. However, I also realise that its very simple for someone like me -completely detatched from the situation to say do this and do that. Things can look more black and white to those of us not emotionally involved in the situation. Its never as clear cut when its yourself in the situation much more grey and fuzzy.

Oh bugger - I am trying to be supportie but just waffling and not offering much advice - sorry but I am here to hand hold or listen if you want it and rooting for you.

I really hope he has had a week like mine - absolutely rushed off my feet and crashing out every evening as soon as I sit down after tea and perhaps there is an innocent explanation.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 14:15

He doesn't have anything at mine, he'd never been to my house, due to not being well, he was going to come in the New Year sometime. Or so I thought...

There was an attachment, certainly on my side. Ok, it wasn't that long, not many dates, but they were spent mostly in quiet places, talking, finding out about each other. Most dates I've had (even before OD) were about going out and drinking, this was different, and better. Even if the outome wasn't.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/12/2013 14:19

:(

SirRaymondClench · 21/12/2013 14:22

What do you want to do Op?
Do you want to text him?

Peekska · 21/12/2013 14:23

"I suppose there's a chance he could have just lost his phone or had it stolen? "

Normally I'm the first to find some of the excuses dreamed up in stories like this quite pathetic. There've been quite a few on this thread so far.
However, in this case, I think OP has said that they only communicate by phone. No email.
When I first read thenightsky's post I thought "well if he was keen and he'd had his phone stolen, he'd go round to her house to explain" But OP said that he's never been to her house, so perhaps he doesn't know her address?
If the phones are mobile phones and not landline phones, then this could be quite plausible.
I still think it's unlikely because of how he was a bit evasive about planning another date, ie no time/place confirmed just a general comment that he'd be in touch to arrange it at the end of term. But, it's a possibility.

OP, please clarify. Does he have any other way to contact you other than mobile phone? email? house phone? etc

MasterP0 · 21/12/2013 14:23

((((CUDDLES))) OP!

I hope he makes contact either way. This sucks!

Peekska · 21/12/2013 14:25

x posted with OP's comment about him never having been to her house.
OP does he know where you live?

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 21/12/2013 14:33

He doesn't have any other way of contacting me but mobile. He doesn't have my email address. He knows the town I live in, but not my address, or even the vague area. He knows my surname, but probably not how to spell it, so couldn't even google/192.com me.

It's very unlikely of course that he hasn't got his phone. Unfortunately!

OP posts:
Ifancyashandy · 21/12/2013 14:34

I may not use the same language but I agree with SM. He is never going to feel 'shamed'. He'll just think 'wow, what a lucky escape I've had!' if you call or text him to let him know your anger. He knows it's shitty - else he'll have called it texted by now.

I've recently had this too. And out paths may cross again next year and, whilst it's tempting to call / text and vent, there is nothing like holding your own counsel and retaining your dignity. If I do run into my cockwomble again, the satisfaction of an ice cold 'hello' and watching him squirm will outweigh any phone call I could make. If I contact him now, he'll know he got to me and if/when I see him again, him having that knowledge & power over me is unthinkable. It is his loss. And I know he'd try and flirt with me again. Too late sweetie.

The best revenge is not giving a shit and living well.

varigatedivy · 21/12/2013 14:43

I don't think the OP should worry too much about whether he'd feel ashamed or not. It's more about her feelings- If it helps not to be passive (not just 'get the message')- but call him and ask /confirm it's over, then that's the point.

He may think twice about behaving like this with another woman, he may not. it's not about him- it's about her.

Peekska · 21/12/2013 14:49

Ok OP. It is unlikely that his phone is lost/stolen but it's possible, and in this case he has no other way to contact you.
I don't want to give you any false hope but I would keep that possibility in mind as you make a decision about whether you are going to make contact or not.

34DD · 21/12/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrswellyboot · 21/12/2013 15:02

I would be tempted to text happy Christmas on tues eve and leave I at that then

macygracy · 21/12/2013 15:05

34DD has the best suggestion yet to determine if he has lost his phone!!!

newlifeforme · 21/12/2013 15:10

I think this man has showed you what you want in a man.Its made you realise that its possible, but for whatever reason HE wasn't right for you and you might never know the reason.

I had a similar situation, met a man who highlighted to me that my past choices were not right.It didn't last and I was heartbroken. Looking back I realise I had poor self esteem that I needed to work on and when I met my current partner I still had not recovered.He was much more my equal and seemed to adore me so I felt it was right.I now realise I may have settled because he ticked more boxes than previous partners.I'm concerned this could happen to you and I wish I had spent more time in counselling as I'm not sure I had determined what I wanted in a partner..more about what I didn't want.

If you compromised in previous relationships you're likely to do so again until you are truly confident about your value as a person.Like you I had a great career but that was often my 'cover', I'm not sure I felt valued for being me and I sense something similar in your posts.You deserve a decent, intelligent, caring man because you are a good person not just because you have a good career.

poorturkeys · 21/12/2013 15:12

Anything is possible. A heart attack? A stroke, causing paralysis? A serious accident? Such things do happen, not likely, but they do, every day. And you say he's been quite ill recently?
Unless, sooner or later, you contact him or someone who knows him, to ask if he's ok, you can never be 100% certain, can you? And you'll be left always wondering if something bad had happened to him after all.

But it seems his health may be precarious now although he was very fit previously. Would it not be better to steer clear of a man like that anyway?
If you were already very much involved with someone who has health problems that's completely different, of course.
But since it's only a few dates over 3 months this is a fairly new relationship. If you had to keep worrying about this man's state of health this takes over. It's a dark cloud on any relationship and can spoil things completely.
So maybe you're well rid of him anyway. He can take his poor health somewhere else.

Peekska · 21/12/2013 15:15

OP do you know what sort of phone he's got?

HenriettaPie · 21/12/2013 15:21

Am I the only one wondering who the celeb is! Confused

varigatedivy · 21/12/2013 15:28

But if you lose your phone then it sometimes keeps ringing and voicemail answers- no?

I have called numbers where people have changed their phones and got a new number and the old number rang and went through to Orange or whoever.

Likewise I sent a text not long ago to a number which I thought had been delivered and it was some days later that I saw it hadn't been sent, and had to follow up with an email.

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 15:29

What celeb??? Did I miss a bit?

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