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Original poster

How do you know when......

134 replies

DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:08

Your marriage is over??

I really don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

I have been with dh since I was 19 - so 16 years and I just can't bear the thought if being with him and life being just this for the next 40 years Sad. It's not that he's done anything - he hasn't I just can't decide what I feel for him. I've tried talking to dh - he can't understand why I'm so miserable - he loves me to bits and apparently I have 2 Dc who adore me.

But we don't do anything. We never go anywhere, I have friends but dh doesn't and it doesn't bother him. We have no spontaneity or fun and our sex life is about exciting as a funeral. I never look forward to seeing him. I took the dc to a competition (Friday - v late Sunday) and didn't miss him at all

I don't know if this is the end............like I said he's not mean or nasty, just really boring and I don't feel wanted, adored, attractive or anything with him........

Any advice on how I can sort myself and my feelings out would be appreciated

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 19/12/2013 19:11

Do you want to be on your own or are you just bored and blaming your DH?

Don't make the mistake of thinking the grass is always greener.

If you want to go to places then why not plan it? You seem to be asking him to make life happen for you- what are you going to do to help that happen?

N0llaigSh0na · 19/12/2013 19:17

When i couldnt imagine being any more unhappy.
You are the jydge of whether or not u r happy.

N0llaigSh0na · 19/12/2013 19:20

Ps. "I never look foward to seeing him".
"I dont miss him".

He cant seriously b happy with that can he? He must b picking up on the distanxe?
If not then he is not very empathetic if he thinks all is well

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:27

He said he still loves me and can't see why things have changed for me - he's not happy I didn't miss him/don't look forward to coming home etc

I try and keep busy - I have friends who I'll go and see most weeks, I'm friends with other parents at activities the dc do, I go to aqua fit with another group of friends, ill message friends who are a distance away just for a chat etc. dh just seems happy to sit at home............he hasn't got a single 'mate' as he never seems to make the effort to get to know people/keep in touch with them etc. even just going out of a coffee does occur to him

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:29

**Doesn't occur to him

OP posts:
N0llaigSh0na · 19/12/2013 19:30

Oh no. So u have to be everythi g to him.

invicta · 19/12/2013 19:34

Some men are like that. My dh never has a desire to go out and the only socialising he does is when we go out as a family. He seems content to stay in and watch tv most of the time.

As others have said, take the imitative and plan trips. It doesn't have to be anything exotic - a walk in a park, trip to a zoo, Sunday lunch in a pub. It's easy to fall into a routine of staying in and not going out.

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:34

I feel like that yes.........,apparently weekend I took the kids away he didn't leave the house

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:35

And no I'm not happy............

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 19/12/2013 19:55

Long term relationships need nurturing. Time and effort from both partners otherwise they become stale and joyless.
It ought not to matter that he doesn't have his own friends. Surely what you do as a couple is what counts?

You sound really negative tbh.

Do you ever suggest doing anything as a couple or a family?

Do you love him even?

Being bored in a long term relationship should be the start of trying to make it better- not walk away as the first move.

What about your vows? Not worth the effort to keep them?

fluffyraggies · 19/12/2013 19:59

What are his good points OP? Do you/did you ever fancy him.

(interested in how you are going to answer, not being naive, i was you 7 years ago)

varigatedivy · 19/12/2013 20:02

You say he loves you to bits.

How does he show this?

What does he need to do so you feel adored?

worsestershiresauce · 19/12/2013 20:09

Marriages get stale, that's normal. I think you are having one of those mid life crisis moments where the grass looks much greener elsewhere. You have two options. 1. Chuck away a man who obviously loves you, and take a chance that you'll find someone better out there. 2. Spend the mental energy you are currently investing in thinking about how shit your life is into your marriage. You'll be amazed at how much of a difference that will make. It doesn't sound like either of you are making an effort.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it is up to your DH to make you enjoy life. It is up to you. He brings love and stability, and together you can create happiness. If you want.

fifi669 · 19/12/2013 20:10

Get a babysitter, sesame a night out just the two of you. Look for what made you fall for each other

RatherBeRiding · 19/12/2013 20:22

How long has it been like this? Presumably when you first started out together you were happy with him and how he was towards you? What has changed, and when? Has he changed, or have you changed?

Perhaps these are the kind of questions you ought to be asking yourself. You say you want to feel wanted, attractive etc. If he made you feel these things would you still be unhappy?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 20:26

Fluffy - as bad as it sounds I'm not sure. Not sure if I ever fancied him or if I was ever in love with him. I do care about him a lot but I'm not sure I love him.....

My upbringing was v difficult (alcoholic single mother) and after being together 5 months we bought our house and moved in - I keep wondering whether I used him as a means of escape maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 20:29

Rather - I can't remember when things changed - it's been so long

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 19/12/2013 20:31

OK.

The way you feel now - in all honesty how long have you felt like this? Years? Months? Weeks?

(you didn't give any good points i see! :) )

Monetbyhimself · 19/12/2013 20:35

So shen you've arranged to go somewhere he refuses? And when you've made a real effort to inject some fun snd spontaneity into your relationship he refuses to engage ? What practical things have you done ?

MillyChristmas · 19/12/2013 20:40

Is there someone else who has caught your eye?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 20:49

I have felt like this on and off for years but it seems more hopeless at the moment........this time about 3 months

I try explaining to him and even trying to initiate fun and spontaneity but it feels like I just get knocked back

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 20:52

I've tried suggesting we go out (anywhere!!!!), or we have a nice tea just us at home..............I've tried making things nice in the bedroom, having a shower and doing my hair/make up/general maintenance and I just get 'oh I'm tired' 'oh I wanted to watch football' 'oh I've got indigestion'

OP posts:
N0llaigSh0na · 19/12/2013 21:35

I don't think you sound negative.

It's your prerogative to judge the life around you, and yours isn't making you happy.

He doesn't sound like he is particularly good company or a good conversationalist. I would leave him too. Not cos he's a bad guy, but because you only have one life, and I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely and stifled and silently screaming.

varigatedivy · 19/12/2013 21:47

when you say that you've suggested things and he refuses, do you actually suggest places and events - ie let's got and see XXX film on Sunday and arrange a babysitter.....let's go for a country walk, let's go out for a Chinese.....

OR do you nag and moan and say 'we never go anywhere, why not....'

Are you coming up with real suggestions or just the notion of going out?

If you have done the first, and he refuses, then surely you tell him you are disappointed that he doesn't want to do anything with you?

There seems to be a complete lack of communication in your marriage.

If it's making you this unhappy why aren't you talking to HIM?

Why don't you make a 'date night' when you tell him that you need to talk to him about where your relationship is heading? Ideally go out to a pub or restaurant so he's stuck with you and you will be able to have your say.

But the real issue is do you actually want him?

You should also ask yourself if you have a realistic idea of what long term relationships are like. They do go stale but can be revived if both people work at it together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/12/2013 09:23

To answer your question directly I would say that it's when you really can't find the enthusiasm to come up with yet another solution to try to turn the relationship you've got into the relationship you want. Incompatibility happens.... no shame in admitting it. When not only nothing's working but you also stop caring, that's the time to call it a day.

As an interim, because these things aren't easy, I'd suggest you have a trial separation. This does a few things. It demonstrates that things have got so bad that the future of the relationship is in question. It gives everyone time to think about what they stand to lose. It gives you (in this case) the chance to experience what life would be like without him, better or worse.

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