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Original poster

How do you know when......

134 replies

DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:08

Your marriage is over??

I really don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

I have been with dh since I was 19 - so 16 years and I just can't bear the thought if being with him and life being just this for the next 40 years Sad. It's not that he's done anything - he hasn't I just can't decide what I feel for him. I've tried talking to dh - he can't understand why I'm so miserable - he loves me to bits and apparently I have 2 Dc who adore me.

But we don't do anything. We never go anywhere, I have friends but dh doesn't and it doesn't bother him. We have no spontaneity or fun and our sex life is about exciting as a funeral. I never look forward to seeing him. I took the dc to a competition (Friday - v late Sunday) and didn't miss him at all

I don't know if this is the end............like I said he's not mean or nasty, just really boring and I don't feel wanted, adored, attractive or anything with him........

Any advice on how I can sort myself and my feelings out would be appreciated

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 12:53

I don't think trial separations work tbh.

I think if you really are going to go it alone after a long marriage then you have to build up a new life wholeheartedly, which takes guts and effort, as well as drawing a line under the marriage.

If you live apart for a few months ( and don't forget this costs money- covering 2 homes) it's a kind of false situation- a no man's land. You aren't really free to meet other people because you are still married and supposedly 'finding out how you feel' and a new love is always going to be more of an exciting prospect than a jaded marriage, gone off the boil.

So in reality the time apart often means everything is on hold. Most people IME can manage a few months apart and live tolerably alone, especially if there is a connection to the other partner through the children , so it ends up as a case of living apart but not being free- emotionally or in any real sense.

Someone once said to me that marriage is not about whether you can't live without the person, but whether you can live with them.

I think this is a very true maxim - so my advice to the OP is to try counselling together, or alone, to work through the emotions.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 13:34

It sounds like counselling would be a waste of time. He might promise to be more attentive and take you out to places but what he'd be doing is living a lie. He'd gradually slip back into boring you senseless. If your personality is being sociable and active and his is to be content to stay at home, your only options are to split up or for him to accept that you virtually lead a double life. We know what that leads to though.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 14:05

why would he be living a lie and why would he slip back into his old behaviour? People can change if they want to.
I suggested counselling because there seems to be a lack of communication , meaning that he doesn't appear to understand the gravity of the situation.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 14:07

neil- there's this thing called compromise- meeting in the middle. I know loads of couples where one is more outgoing than the other but they find a middle way which manages to suit each of them.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 14:07

Change what? Their personality?

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 14:13

These two seem like polar opposites though, varigatedivy.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 14:19

no Neil- their behaviour. You can't change your personality but you can change your behaviour. The 2 things are not mutually exclusive.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 14:36

Even if she stayed in more (which she doesn't want to do) and he went out more (which he doesn't want to do) there's still the fact that she doesn't fancy him and even when she makes an effort, he can't be arsed.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 15:12

It isn't normal for long term relationships to become stale or stuck in a rut and the general acceptance that stale is normal will go a long way towards explain the high divorce rates.

Relationships don't remain good unless well fed and cherished. It takes thought and investment to keep a relationship strong and the best it can be.

In a nutshell, for me a relationship would be over if I wasn't happy for things to remain as they were and one or both of us didn't want to try to improve it. That's it.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:19

Did you mean what you wroteJoy- that it's not normal for long term relationships to become stale?

If so, I disagree because having been married 30 years I'd say most marriages need a good kick up the pants every decade or less to preserve the bond.

Children, work, elderly family, all take their toll and it is easy to lose sight of what brought you together.

The reason there is so much divorce is that people expect marriages to just work- without putting in the effort when the shine wears off it all.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 15:23

Yes I'm saying it's NOT normal for a relationship to go stale if the couple invest in the relationship to keep it in tip top condition. It's when people neglect their relationship that it goes stale.

It's not enough to simply be in love.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 15:27

She said she doesn't think she loves him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't miss him when he's not there and doesn't look forward to seeing him after she's been apart from him. I'd say that's pretty terminal.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:39

are you married and are you a bloke- Neil?

Reason I ask is that women are complicated at times, and sexual attraction in long term relationships does ebb and flo. Not fancying someone is as much in the head as between the legs for some women. Being attracted to a man can change depending on how they treat you. The OP says she doesn't feel adored or special- if he did these things she might fancy him again.

Also, not doing things together creates a distance and makes many women not want to be intimate. Having fun together can put back the spark.

Anyway- I think the Ops gone now- she hasn't been back to answer anything.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 15:54

Yes and yes.
Perhaps they could try massaging each other. Seems to work in the neiljames77 household.
Perhaps the OP has gone out somewhere nice with her husband. (doubt it though)

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 18:24

Sorry I didn't come back earlier. I had work and then a Christmas do.

I've told dh we need to have another talk/heart to heart. He asked me 'what about?' ShockShockShockShockShock

He's gone to see his parents this evening which is about as rock and roll as his life is!!!

Reading through your posts though make me think separation is a real possibility though................

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 19:08

What has he said when you have told him about your concerns in the past? Does he think you should just be a wife and mother and not have a social life?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 19:40

He says - 'oh we will have to make more of an effort' or 'what?? Why?' When I suggested just going for a cup of tea somewhere

When I mentioned boring mechanical predictable sex life he didn't have any response..............sorry if tmi but sex always starts the same way always in bed and carries the same path every time', there's nothing that happens any other place/time/position etc

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 19:50

why did you marry him?
Surely he's always been like this?

I am on your side BUT you don't seem to be taking the initiative in any way- you seem to complain then expect him to act.

whats stopping YOU organising a meal out ? Buying tickets for a film?

why does it have to come from him? And if he's lukewarm, or neutral about it when you make suggestions, why do you back down instead of trying to make it sound fun?

There's nothing wrong in being a homebird, or a bit of a loner- lots of people are and are still happily married.

Are you making the lack of social life an scapegoat for other issues?

And the boring sex- why don't YOU initiate something novel- it takes 2 to tango you know!

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 20:02

I've tried initiating sex - I've snuggled up to him on the sofa and started kissing and touching but it's just met by sighs (not contented sighs!) or being kind of pushed away or he gets up cos he needs a poo or the dishwasher needs emptying........

I've booked concert tickets for us before and he's not been bothered, I ended up taking my dad instead once!

I'm trying to remember why I married him - possibly fear if being alone........sounds awful doesn't it? I'm not very confident and have always thought I didn't deserve to be wanted so maybe it was because I thought I couldn't do better where as now being on my own doesn't seem that scary after all

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 20:06

I think you both have completely opposite ideas of what you want or expect from marriage. Neither of you are right or wrong.

fluffyraggies · 20/12/2013 20:09

:(

If you think about life without him, how do you feel?

Do you think he really knows how seriously unhappy you are? ie: 'i am so unhappy i might leave' sort of level?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 20:22

Seriously??? Thinking of living here with just me and the kids I imagine it being really easy!!!

I really don't think he realises how miserable I actually feel

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 20/12/2013 20:29

Was there a time when he was different? Has he changed, or have your expectations changed?

What do you think he would do if he knew how seriously you are thinking of splitting up? Would he really panic, do you think, and change? Or do you think it would be too much of a huge change for him - that he is what he is and deep down there's no changing.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 20:30

It's a real shame there's kids involved because you don't sound suited in the least.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 20:34

yes but it's not all about you is it?
You each have a responsibility to try to work things out for the sake of your children.

Being bored with your DH /DW is not IMo a good enough reason to break up a family.

And presumably unless you bought him out you'd not live there without him- you'd have to sell up and divide your assets.