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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know when......

134 replies

DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:08

Your marriage is over??

I really don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

I have been with dh since I was 19 - so 16 years and I just can't bear the thought if being with him and life being just this for the next 40 years Sad. It's not that he's done anything - he hasn't I just can't decide what I feel for him. I've tried talking to dh - he can't understand why I'm so miserable - he loves me to bits and apparently I have 2 Dc who adore me.

But we don't do anything. We never go anywhere, I have friends but dh doesn't and it doesn't bother him. We have no spontaneity or fun and our sex life is about exciting as a funeral. I never look forward to seeing him. I took the dc to a competition (Friday - v late Sunday) and didn't miss him at all

I don't know if this is the end............like I said he's not mean or nasty, just really boring and I don't feel wanted, adored, attractive or anything with him........

Any advice on how I can sort myself and my feelings out would be appreciated

OP posts:
NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 15:33

Yes. Hold fire til after christmas tho

neiljames77 · 21/12/2013 15:38

Buying him a train set for Christmas might keep him occupied for a few days I suppose. Can't see it solving your problem though.

MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 16:06

If he were to change and start taking you out more and being more involved in life, would that change your feelings toward him?
I suggested before that maybe you both need a trial separation to at least see how you feel about each other. You might miss him, you might not. He might not miss you. The time apart will give you space to see if there is anything worth salvaging. It seems that after your talk he was totally unaware of any problems.

fluffyraggies · 21/12/2013 16:10

I would be inclined to leave it till after xmas now. If the kids are school age perhaps wait till they are back at school and initiate a convo. when you have plenty of time. Take comfort in the fact that you have started the ball rolling towards change at least.

I had to do this too. I also waited till after xmas, and after eldest DCs birthday. Mid Jan. I nearly put it off again - but bit the bullet as you could go on forever waiting for 'the right time'.

Best of luck.

TinselinaBumSquash · 21/12/2013 16:44

I'm in two mind here... I jumped after 7 years of a relationship (2 children) where I woke up thinking that another 7 years was not going to be ok, he was/Is very contented just ... to be .... He didn't go out, had no ambition with work, he didn't want to travel, experience new things. A lot of it was crippling self consciousness, he was terrified of the unknown. He's Ina new ratio shop now, he seems happy with a very dominant lady that tells him what to do where to be etc, he seems to suit that and he seems a lot more happier than he ever did with me trying to change him and force ambition and spontaneity on him.

But... I think you're being quite unkind in the way you're all discussing your H here, some people are happy just to live very simple lives, it may not work for you but it doesn't make him boring, just different. You sound like you don't like him very much tbh.

I'd wait until after Christmas, it's cruel to split a family up during a family centred holiday.
Be kind when you end it (which is obviously what you want) you don't need to blame him you need to tell him firmly that you're too different for the relationship to fulfil you long term.

Possibly not a popular opinion but I thought I'd give you a different take on it.

NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 17:10

Do it 2nd of jan tho or u will be thinking u cant dump him b4 valwntines day!!

olathelawyer05 · 21/12/2013 17:45

"...But... I think you're being quite unkind in the way you're all discussing your H here"

Spot on. This alone is the reason why this relationship probably needs to end. It's as much for his sake as hers. Doesn't sound as though there's really much wrong with the man at all, and he deserves better than a partner who resents and mocks him. The disrespect she feels for him is palpable and it goes beyond simply 'not fancying' him.

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 18:05

I'm not being unkind - dh doesn't have a nasty bone in his body.........

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 21/12/2013 18:14

You're just chalk and cheese. You and your DP have one life. You both should be happy.

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 19:27

I think I've just changed, but I need him to understand I've changed or he will think we can just go on as we are SadSad

It's scary though - 16 years is a long time

OP posts:
Strangetownblues · 21/12/2013 20:58

Have you got another thread on this board about being dumped recently by a married man, OP?

You have consistently evaded questions about being involved elsewhere and your posts are identical in style to another obfuscatory OP with an over fondness for ellipses and dodging direct enquiries.

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 21:05

No I'm not involved elsewhere - when I said as such I meant I've met a lot of new people, made new friends,

I'm posting in a thread with a poster with depression and issues with her ADs and another thread on whether your oh finds you attractive

What do you mean by ellipses?

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 21:07

I've not noticed multiple enquiries being ignored - show me where?

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 21:15

How old are your children OP?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 21:19

My youngest is 7 1/2 my oldest 11 almost 12

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 21:21

You have had a chat with him. Do you think if he changed now that things could get better and you could find that spark that you once had?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 21:24

Milly, I really don't know. If I knew when I'd last seen the spark I might have an idea of where to find it again. I wish I had the guts of mrsneil just to see how it would be received!

OP posts:
hilbobaggins · 21/12/2013 21:30

variegatedivy. What exactly is this evidence you mention? Kids will always say that they want their parents to stay together, even when there is serious abuse. So what??

OP - I understand exactly where you are coming from. There is a strange and bitter sort of loneliness in the sort of relationship that you are currently in. It is very hard to describe if you haven't been in it. You can do all the socialising outside the relationship you want, but you still long for a partner's intellectual companionship. Ignre the posters here who appear to think that you're not putting in enough effort. They don't get it, at all. What do you think would make you happier, at this point?

MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 21:34

Since you have had a chat, could you give him (in your own head) a time frame to change things up a bit and see how you feel then. Say 4 months. If he doesn't change then you know where you stand. If he makes a concerted effort you could also reassess how you feel and whether any spark has been ignited. ??? What do you think?

neiljames77 · 21/12/2013 21:37

Mrs neil had drank a bottle of wine and probably just wanted to rinse me of £10.

MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 21:44

DuhDuh when I click on your name it also shows you as Blushingm. ???

NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 21:44

I didnt think u were being unkind or nasty at all.

NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 21:49

Mrs neil probably fond of mr neil so doesnt need 'nerve'

MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 21:50

And Blushingm has posted two main threads recently. One that she was having facebook sex with an old school mate and another thread that she was having an affair with a married man and his wife had found out. Is this you only when I hover over your name Blushingm comes up. I am very confused. Sorry if im wrong .

Strangetownblues · 21/12/2013 21:51

The same Op as the one who's got another thread at the moment about being dumped by a married man - following on from another thread less than a month ago about sexting a bloke with a girlfriend and kids while she was lying next to her husband in bed.

I knew it was the same OP as the other (active) thread.

Everyone's chains are being yanked here by a thoroughly disingenuous OP who appears to be lying to lots of people, even strangers who tried to help her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread