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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know when......

134 replies

DuhDuhDuh · 19/12/2013 19:08

Your marriage is over??

I really don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

I have been with dh since I was 19 - so 16 years and I just can't bear the thought if being with him and life being just this for the next 40 years Sad. It's not that he's done anything - he hasn't I just can't decide what I feel for him. I've tried talking to dh - he can't understand why I'm so miserable - he loves me to bits and apparently I have 2 Dc who adore me.

But we don't do anything. We never go anywhere, I have friends but dh doesn't and it doesn't bother him. We have no spontaneity or fun and our sex life is about exciting as a funeral. I never look forward to seeing him. I took the dc to a competition (Friday - v late Sunday) and didn't miss him at all

I don't know if this is the end............like I said he's not mean or nasty, just really boring and I don't feel wanted, adored, attractive or anything with him........

Any advice on how I can sort myself and my feelings out would be appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 20:41

It's not just boredom - I just can't see what we have in common ............ I think we've both changed. I just can't bear the thought of this for 40 years..........he could find himself someone who would be happy to be home 365 nights of the year and have Groundhog Day sex

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 20:43

That's one way of looking at it varigatedivy. The other is that the kids grow up seeing their parents showing no love for each other and could see it as the norm. In the meantime, at least one of the parents is desperately unhappy.

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 20:47

We don't even argue - he just seems to plod on and I silently seethe

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 20/12/2013 20:49

I think in all honesty you have grown apart. We can change a hell of allot from the ages of 19 to mid 30's.

Ask yourself if you feel you have done all you can to make this work. If the answer is yes, then give yourself permission to leave. It is allowed. I know there are kids involved. But honestly staying unhappy (in a marriage) for their sake is too much to ask. Who would honestly say they would have wanted either of their parents to have done that?

You sound cross and bitter OP. Have you talked with anyone in RL about this? Friends or family?

fluffyraggies · 20/12/2013 20:55

I'm trying really hard to give you impartial advice, OP, but it's hard for me, because word for word, right down to time scale, our story's are the same. You sound so like me back then. Perhaps i'm not best placed to try to help.

I left. It was the best thing i ever did. He and i are both re-married, kids are totally fine. (he actually shows hardly any interest in them - he hasn't changed!)

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 20/12/2013 21:07

Fluffy - do you mind me asking, What made you leap?...........you sound very level headed and sensible with all the advice you've given me

OP posts:
NollaigShona2013 · 20/12/2013 21:43

From what you've described, I would end it if you've been feeling like this for a good while.

People come along and suggest getting a babysitter or going on a date but they just don't get it. You'd be pushing water uphill. Only stay if you marriage for the sake of it. So what's it to be, the conformity and the appearance of being married? or the freedom to be yourself and leave space around you for people (friends, colleagues, whomever) to become more important to you ...

I think sometimes people in marriages value marriage disproportionately iyswim. As though, even if a marriage makes you miserable it would be worse or harder to be single in the world??? that if you leave, you merely face a different set of obstacles. And maybe it's true that no matter what path you take it's never easy, but your own thoughts won't drive you crazy and you won't have to disguise your boredom and your frustration.

Only after you've left a really bad marriage and recovered a bit do you get perspective. You realise that the whole world organises itself without too much thinking sometimes in to two by two. The pressure to stay in a couple is immense, even when it's making you unhappy, you don't miss him, or look forward to seeing him, or want to have sex with him, or talk to him............ yet you still need advice about what to do about it!!

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 21:45

I think that when kids are involved you have to try everything to get the marriage back on track.

When you have kids it's not about just you any more. And there IS just as much evidence to prove that some kids would rather have parents with an imperfect marriage together, than be divorced. It's very convenient for divorced parents to say kids don't suffer. I could name at least 4 adults in my own tiny circle of friends whose parents divorced and TBH they are still scarred and in some cases it's really fucked up their own marriages.

The point OP is- have you tried everything and if not are you prepared to- or is your mind made up and you are here to swap notes with people who've left?

MillyChristmas · 20/12/2013 22:30

So leave, even just for a trial separation. You will get perspective and see if you miss him and he will be able to see if he actually misses you! He might be hurt to begin with but he may realise that he doesn't want to be with you either. Maybe the both of you have become so set in this rut and one of you needs to make the change to see if there is anything left to salvage.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 22:39

I watched my mum stay in a marriage for my sake. She wasn't happy and within 2 weeks if me moving out, she left too.

Even though I understand why she stayed, within months if her leaving I saw her blossom into a happy woman and it made me realise just how married life had dulled her. It wasn't an abusive marriage, it just was that she didn't love my dad.

I so wish she'd left at least 5 years earlier when I first became aware of her dissatisfaction.

If a marriage isn't a happy one and has no prospect of being anything other than just ticking over and functioning, my own experience as the child makes me think that staying together for the sake of the children isn't necessarily the best decision.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 22:50

But Joy you were an adult- you had moved out- when your mum left.
It's not quite the same.
I am not saying anyone should stay in a marriage at any cost.
I am saying that adults have a duty to try when they have children. Try everything- with outside, professional help perhaps- counselling. Relate- etc etc.

The problem with a lot of people saying that divorce doesn't harm children is that the fall out often doesn't come until years later and therefore it's too soon for the divorcing parents to see this.

The OP says he husband really loves her- read the first post. It's that he's not showing it in ways she wants. This to me means there is scope for improvement, not walking away- if she tells him how she feels and gives him a chance.

neiljames77 · 20/12/2013 23:02

If she makes a move on him and he sighs and says he needs a dump, that can't be any good for her self esteem. He'd be better off with a woman that likes staying in every night eating battenburg and playing scrabble.

MillyChristmas · 20/12/2013 23:07

Yes he says he loves her but he doesn't sound in love with her. A separation would enable them both to analyse their relationship and what they want from it. They can meet up for dates and " court" each other again and see if they can reignite that spark.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/12/2013 23:26

The OP's given it 16 years of trying. The man has not shown any inclination to meet her half or even a quarter of the way. That's not called working it out, it's called flogging a dead horse.

Strangetownblues · 21/12/2013 01:30

Yes this does sound like flogging a dead horse, but I'm intrigued about the catalyst for seeking advice at this point in what seems to have been a long-running and unchanged situation.

Have you met someone else OP?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 10:22

No I haven't met someone else as such - but I have been making myself more social and so seeing that there is more to life.........could also be the time of year?????

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/12/2013 10:32

variagatedivy

Yes I'm an adult, an adult who can look back on my childhood and see my parents weren't happy but stayed together anyway. My mum had an abisive childhood and wanted to provide me with a mum and dad so stayed thinking it wasn't that bad and the positive to me outweighed the negatives. I won't go into the details of what I saw, how I felt, thought was going on but it's enough to say that even children pick up on things, even if there isn't overt abuse or unhappiness. As a result, in my early adult life I made do in a relationship and again there was abuse.

We loom to our parents as the blueprint for normal. If that relationship is not what we'd wish for our children when they grow up, I personally see that as the litmus paper test on whether it's best to call it a day.

Strangetownblues · 21/12/2013 10:44

What do you mean 'as such'?

fluffyraggies · 21/12/2013 11:00

Well, i was at the stage where you are now for around 4/5 years or so. The stage where i was really questioning what i had done, feeling guilty for feeling unhappy, not knowing what else to try and how fair i was being on DH by staying. At 35 i was not the person i had been at 19. He honestly hadn't changed. So i felt at fault. In this time my social life blossomed. As yours is. We became like 2 people sharing a house rather than H an W. We still slept in the same bed.

I began to have my head turned by male attention outside the home. Nothing major, just flirty stuff when out in pubs, clubs. At this point i stopped sleeping with him. Soon after came the 'big talk'. He asked if i still loved him. I said no. I knew it would hurt but it was the truth, and i wanted something - anything - to be a catalyst for change. I told him i had tried and tried but nothing ever changed and that i cared for him as a friend now, but that the physical side of our relationship was over. He wanted me to continue to live with him and keep up the fascard of H and W.

It was so distressing because i knew my marriage was broken, and that i was to blame (bought up with the idea that 'you made your bed, you lie in it', stiff upper lip and all that) and this all felt so wrong :( We pissed about like this for 2 years.

Then i met someone else. We started a physical relationship. It was inevitable - i had been emotionally adrift for years. I told DH what had happened and that i was leaving. And i left. It was obviously not as easy as it sounds here. Telling the kids, (they came with me) telling the family, becoming homeless basically as he refused to sell up. Bit of violence, lots of tears. I was public enemy no.1. of course, as far as ILs went (he told them he had caught me cheating, which is not quite how it went). My friends were supportive.

The above is in no way a blue print for how to go about this! It's just my story. I still feel lots of guilt and that i behaved like shit.

I've been with my new DH now for 7 years, married in 2012. He is a great step dad to the 3DDs (teens now). XH remarried the same year. He seems happy (we hardly speak) i am very very very happy now :)

Kirk1 · 21/12/2013 11:36

I'm a child of divorced parents. My mother walked when I was 5. Please don't stay for the sake of the children! The atmosphere in our house was poisonous and the few memories I have from before she left were of her being incredibly unhappy.

Yes, we were hurt by the split, mostly my sister and I were hurt that she didn't take us too, but living in that house with that unhappiness was damaging too. Children are resilient and sharing your time between parents becomes normal very quickly. I'd rather have half a happy mum than all of a desperately unhappy one.

NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 12:00

Neiljames77 +1

Fgs the pressure on the op to endure more of this is Victorian. Im shocked tbh. How many waya dowa she need to say it? She's miserable.

People say becauae they have kids she has to try everythinng. Define everything. Where does the trying end!

Like another poster, my children are fine. Again, married people placing tooo much value on marriage, as thoughit were a shield against life's challenges. It's not. It can be the challenge.

Op u know how u feel. You want out. You will be fine. Your kids will be fine! Your x will meet somebody that never wanrs to go out. Everybody will be fine. It's not the middle agws. Split up and live and love life. X

NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 12:06

Fluffy, nice to read your story. I also brought up with the, well you made your bed mentality.
I clung on to misery out of fear and guilt for years. Left with two young kids. Havent met anybody else now, buti love my little house, job, can invirw friends family round whenever i want. Even if i never meet somebody else that is not why i left my x. Didnt leave him to meet somebody new. But who knows ....

MillyChristmas · 21/12/2013 12:56

So OP you hsve had loads of great advice here....what are you going to do about your situation ?

Original poster
DuhDuhDuh · 21/12/2013 15:23

Me and dh have just had a discussion.............talk............chat

He really was absolutely clueless as to how crap things have been................he thinks if he gets a hobby we will all be ok. WRONG!

He wants to try and work it out...................but I'm really not so sure Sad. I might hold fire til after Christmas and have the talk again

Would that be a good idea???? I don't know..........

OP posts:
NollaigShona2013 · 21/12/2013 15:32

Think it is so hard to be honest that one softens it. And it ends up too vague.
The thoughts of "trying" is making you feel panicky and fearful amd a bit clauatrophobic now???
That says it all.
You have almost got to the point where u have to press "ejwct". Being with him scares u more than cutting off the "lifeline".
Try again.
Dont soften it this time.
Good luck.

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