My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

I think we need to take it easy on Fifi.
Why that makes him unsuitable to be around children I don't know!
His attitudes towards women are not ones most of us would want our children exposed to. We want to raise them with healthy, respectful attitudes around sex and consent.

The term "highly sexed" seems to be a buzzword recently. Mainly used for excusing and minimising behaviour that used to be deemed sexually abusive.

Penetrating your missus while she is asleep ? Oh, he can't help it, he fancies her so much, he must be highly sexed

Developing a porn habit that interferes with family life ? Oh, he has needs he must be highly sexed

Joining shag buddy/escort sites ? He was never going to do anything, he's just "highly sexed"

Posting sex tapes without consent ? Yep, that is sexually abusive too.

Er, yes,jogging, but those men are twats. HTH.

Think of stags. It's all about possession of the females

"The females"? You think we're one step away from the natural order of women being possessions? Men I know do not view their partners as possessions and wouldn't become violent if somebody looked at their loved ones.

At no point did I say what he did was ok. At no point did jogging. He was trying to rationalise what OP DH was thinking. I can also see where DH might have been coming from. Does that mean we think the same? Nope. Do I think it's a slap on the wrist offence? No. It'll take serious work if OP chooses to carry on.

It is a breach of trust, it did show a lack of respect. Much like an affair is.

Ah jogging I am sensing a whiff of the evo pysch about you

Quelle surprise...

psych

Civilisation is only a thin veneer when it comes to the crunch. It takes surprisingly little to tip things over

What a strange thing to say. Kind of like "you're all just a hair's breadth from being raped, ladies."

Dontcha know that really us "ladies" all find that very exciting. It's precisely why we go out wearing short skirts and get drunk etc. Just a little tip over, and awaaaaay we go

Vivacia

Well the men you know arn't ALL men. I've seen plenty of men get violent when someone looked at their girlfriend, plenty.

Jogging, most women are also very protective of their "possession". As most people are of their children. And most are also happy to display their man and children. But not in a way that would hurt them, or they would not consent to.

The jump to exposing a wife in very private moments without her consent has nothing to do with natural competitive behaviour. In fact, because of that feeling of protectiveness, I doubt most men would post such things. Most would probably prefer their partners to cover up in public.

But, whatever rocks anyone's boat. The issue here is one of trust and he broke hers. Badly.

That doesn't make is ok, normal, acceptable or aspirational rpitch.

I think the trouble is that analysing and picking apart the reasons behind why OP's DH did what he did appears to skirt quite close to justifying it. I realise this might not be the case, but it can certainly read that way.

Many of us are very aware of men who treat women like possessions, the reasons why they behave as they do, and regard the explanation as utterly unacceptable... not: 'this is the explanation so its really alright'.

pitch, you are right but I would refer to those men as dangerous and violent meatheads

thankfully, I don't move in those sort of circles, and if I am unfortunate enough to come across such behaviour I beat a very hasty exit, as should any right-minded individual

At no point did I say I agree with it so don't accuse me of sympathising. I was only suggesting an explanation for why a man might do this.
I've never done anything like this. I don't have one single intimate photo of my wife. Holiday snaps on the promenade are about my limit. Except for about 3 in a swimsuit years ago the other thousand or more are of her fully dressed.

I don't think he's trying to say we're a hairs breadth from being raped. Come on people! I think he's saying that primarily we're all animals conditioned by society to live within certain rules. Should things break down, do do civilised rules. Possible example London riots?

Staggered by the "no need to look at the same woman twice" comment earlier. How disgusting. If women are that interchangeable then that itself implies a problem.

Hope you've been able to think things over a bit today OP.

I don't think Jogging's claim to speak for 'most highly sexed men' rather than low-IQ, bottom-of-the-barrel oiks should be dignified with any other than a snort.

TBH - if the OP came on here and said her DP was going around punching men who looked at her, I'd be telling her to throw him out too. There are a lot of men in the world who are wankers, I don't see the point of spending your life with one.

jogging by trying to explain the unexplainable you are sympathising

you are extrapolating set up of the kind of sites where men and women in partnerships post stuff with all parties fully consenting to this situation and then talking some shit about how men are one step away from the cave and women should be aware of that

it's scary stuff, and very worrying that you would reproduce this evolutionary psychology crap on a parenting website, on such a sensitive thread

I'm sure you think you are one of the Good Guys, but you don't come across like it. You may want to reflect on that, if you are the decent bloke you think you are

I think jogging understands a bit too much about this type of man.

At some point I thought he might be the OH in the thread, and I'm not yet entirely unconvinced.

What would your reaction be if your wife posted videos of you masturbating on the web? In a gay website? Even if your face was not seen?
Slap on the wrist?

BTW, I am a fan of evolutionary psychology and I don't see how any theories I know apply here.

Make him explain how it is a turn on to him knowing other people are watching his wife have sex.

Make him let you video him having a wank and post it on line - with his face showing. Won't let you? Right...

What are you going to do?

This man has betrayed you so badly I can't understand why he isn't out of the home to be honest.

BTW he isn't a good dad- he has betrayed their mother. He isn't a good husband - he has betrayed and lied to his wife.

I wouldn't be able to see anything but a trip to the divorce lawyer if this was me.

OP, I feel so, so sorry for you, what this piece of shit has done is unimaginable. It is a massive violation. It's like a gang rape without physical contact. I know many others have said it, but you have to understand the enormity of what he has done: these images of you will now be in numerous other places on the internet. They will be available forever for theoretically everybody who ever accesses the internet to look at. Your own children, and other relatives, might be able to see them, even if they would not be able to recognise them. You might be able to do some damage limitation if you get the site you're aware of, to ake them down, but you need to move fast. Everything now is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

This 'man' has pimped you, out, he has prostituted you. He has made your body a commodity for him to share with strangers as he sees fit and for him to benefit from. All of it without your knowledge or consent.

This says horrible, terrible things about not only his opinions of women, but about his opinions about humanity in general. It is such an absolutely obscene, extreme and bizarre thing to do that it is essentially sociopathic. Someone who could do this is only thinking of their needs and wants. Noone else matters. No-one else has needs or wants. No-one else matters. No-one else has RIGHTS. No-one else is REAL. It is really extreme behaviour.

And it is precisely those reasons why he is not, and cannot be a good father. No-one capable of even seriously considering such an undertaking is unfit to be around children, as not only are they offensively lacking in basic empathy and respect, but to treat their mother so disgustingly (even though they don't know) is a form of abuse against them. A man who treats a child's mother this way treats the child badly too.

I also think two other things:

1. He will have done something like this before, and that there will be other images or videos or you online, or in mags, or shared via emails - and you might be identifiable in these. You have to get him to admit the extent of it all and take it seriously. The police would be interested, as he has distributed pornographic material without the consent of one of the parties in it.

2. I bet if you talked in depth about your relationship here, other signs and forms of abuse would become apparent.

To stay with scum like this is to demean yourself and expose your children to a man who doesn't see others as full human beings and who would primp out their mother's image for his own pathetic kicks.

What a strange thing to say. Kind of like "you're all just a hair's breadth from being raped, ladies."

Unfortunately, it happens. A young woman need only get off a bus at 9 at night and walk home and there is always a slight chance. That's the reality.
Similarly, you only need leave your nice new bike outside somewhere unattended for 15 minutes for it to vanish. There's a lot of extremely uncivilised behaviour around all the time. Too obvious to mention.
As you'll know one man killed another man over a disabled parking space not so long ago.
Then you wonder at me calling it a thin veneer?