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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 15/12/2013 15:19

Ugh I'm with you clam
Jogging, it doesn't matter how flattering he thinks it is that other men want to fuck his wife. He posted sex videos without her consent
Consent is an essential element of any sexual act. How scary that you don't understand that.

fifi669 · 15/12/2013 15:21

Like all abuses of trust it'd take time but you can move on.

I'm sure when a man has an affair, the physical side takes time to return and when it does it'll be plagued with insecurities of what/who is he thinking of etc. But people do work through it and even if they don't forgive they learn to out it to one side and carry on.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 15:23

It's where each of us draws the line. I would dump a man if he cheated on me or otherwise betrayed me after three weeks or three decades together.

NightOfTheCactus · 15/12/2013 15:25

Come on folks, I think we should give jogging some credit here, because he has pretty much hit the nail on the head.

This is a kind of bragging, and would have made OP's P feel good about himself. Look what I'm doing. Look what I've got. Aren't you jealous. Aren't I virile. Aren't I lucky.

He probably does really love showing off what he's "got". He probably is proud that he gets to have sex with such a desirable body, such an object of desire...

Rather in the manner that some people might show off a new car, or a new house, or some new clothes - things they "have"

Except OP is not a "thing". She is an autonomous human being, with her own thoughts, feelings, rights, emotions, sensibilities.

Fair enough, some people find this sort of thing very titillating and exciting - and WITH THE CONSENT of the person in the video/photo, as a JOINT DECISION - then fine, put it on line and fill your boots, as long as you are mindful of any unpleasant consequences.

The fact is, the OP's P has shown absolutely no consideration whatsoever for her feelings.

She may not be identifiable. That is not the point. She doesn't stop becoming a real person and just become an object just because she is not on film. So she's not identifiable - some might see that as dehumanising her further...

I'm sorry OP, but I truly believe that if your P had really thought you would enjoy your image being shared, he would have had a lovely, sexy time telling you all about it and showing it (and you would have explicitly told him before that it was your biggest fantasy). But he didn't did he? You had to find it by accident.

I don't know you, and I wouldn't dream of telling you to LTB. I know what I would do, but I am not you, and I know you have 18 years of being together and lots of feelings that are going to be hard to shut off.

I would say baby steps. Don't feel you have to make any major decisions now. You have the right to take your time. I would say that you could do with space - and that he needs to see some serious consequences of his actions - whether that's kicking him out for a while, calling the police - whatever - your call - but he can't be left to think that he can do Whatever he likes with no comeback.

If you can bear to tell someone IRL I would. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of, and it sounds like you could do with some practical support.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You do not in any way deserve this, and I hope you are able to deal with this in whatever way is right for you Flowers

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 15:27

When someone opens a post with "men and women think differently" (or variations of the same shit) you can be pretty reassured that the rest of the content will be utter drivel and discard it immediately to the dustbin where it belongs.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lollerskates · 15/12/2013 15:28

jogging's post made me feel nauseous.

fifi669 · 15/12/2013 15:29

Do you not think that we think differently to men? Really?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 15:31

tbh, I am more depressed by the fact that there are women out there who would not only tolerate this, but would try and persuade other women that it would be in their best interest to do so too

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 15:32

But jogging that is part of HIS sexual preferences. Not hers. It really is not ok to make amateur porn with unsuspecting spouses as the main attraction when they think they are engaging in private intimacy. They were not in the same sphere. She was making love to her husband. HE was making porn and acting for an audience! Do you not see how wrong it is of him to add this other aspect of their sex life without her knowledge or consent?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 15:33

jogging you seem to have forgotten one teeny-tiny issue in your posts attempting to minimise what this man has done

it's a small word, but a really fucking huge concept

I would worry about any man that side stepped the issue of consent to get what he wants, or excuses others that do

it's a thought process that rapists use, and it has no place in functional relationships of any type

BelaLugosisShed · 15/12/2013 15:33

What kind of utter fucking imbecile thinks it's down to simply being a "highly sexed man" - it's abuse of the worst kind, I see it no differently to him viewing rape videos or child sex abuse - that's how serious it is.

How sick in the head do you have to be to put private sexual images of your partner online without their consent?
It's about power over someone, in exactly the same way that rape is about power and domination.

Joggingalone _ I really hope you have neither partner or children, with an attitude like yours, they would not be safe.

ConventGarden · 15/12/2013 15:34

This is an extremely serious offence. I know someone currently on bail for similar.

GinAndIt · 15/12/2013 15:34

FIfi, it has nothing to do with 'how we think'. Nothing at all. It's about trust and respect.

Can you not see that? Really?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 15:35

perhaps fifi thinks that "trust and respect" have different meanings for men and women too ?

fifi669 · 15/12/2013 15:38

I'm not saying if tolerate it. I'm not trying to persuade OP to. Telling everyone to LTB on every thread doesn't help anyone. I'm as entitled as everyone else saying pack his bags, to say I wouldn't.

OP knows her relationship and knows her limits. She'll deal with it given all the facts.

To say you hope jogging has no partner or children as they're not safe? That's ridiculous! He's just giving what he thinks is OPs DH way of thinking. Why that makes him unsuitable to be around children I don't know!

lollerskates · 15/12/2013 15:40

fifi Well, no, they very obviously don't think differently and your posts demonstrate that, don't they? OP's DH and joggingalone are both men and they think it's fine to treat women like pieces of meat. You are a woman, and you think it's fine to treat women like pieces of meat. See? Men and women can and do think the same.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 15:41

Why that makes him unsuitable to be around children I don't know!

I imagine it's because that attitude hardly makes him role model material.

ElbowPrincess · 15/12/2013 15:42

I am astounded clam :(

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 15:42

Thing is Jogging - the OP has said she's previously told her 'D'P that one of her biggest fears would be an ex doing something like this, so he knew she'd hate the idea. But it turned him on, so that made it ok to do something he knew would upset and humilate his DP.

As others have said, at best, he didn't think about her feelings, he didn't think about her reaction to this, which means he was posting a video that he made and it didn't occur to him to consider the feelings of the person he made it with - how could she trust him again knowing he wouldn't stop to think about her. Or he did stop to think, and decided her being upset was OK. Perhaps he minimised it in his mind, he pretended it's all ok because you can't see her face so it doesn't matter that it's a video of her.

If he really did think she'd enjoy it, he'd have told her about it. He knew better, so kept it secret.

Personally OP, I don't think it's about the video, but you now know you can't trust him - when faced with a choice between doing something that makes him happy but you miserable, he'll put himself first. You know he'll keep things from you if he thinks they'll upset you rather htan let you deal with them like an adult. You could stay together, I'm sure you could 'cope' but once you don't trust someone, that soon moves to not respecting them. If you don't respect your partner, it's going to be a crap relationship.

I'd ask him to leave while you have some space to think - once all other home made porn (photos and videos) are deleted. (You can't trust him with them, and it's not fair for you to keep copies and not let him have copies). Throwing him out, even as just a temporary measure is probably the only way you'll get him to take this seriously.

If you do take him back after that, it would have to be on the understanding you had relationship counselling and discussed this, perhaps being made to explain his actions to a third party might make him think about why he thought this was an OK thing to do without your permission. It'll be a long road back to getting the trust back, I would compare it to finding out he'd slept with someone else, some couples can get over it, some can't, but none do unless the partner who has betrayed hte other's trust understands the level of hurt they have caused in their partner.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 15:43

I'm not sure what male company jogging makes.

Most men wouldn't want to parade their naked spouses having sex with other men.
which begs the question where was he in the videos?

I don't know about highly sexed men. I don't think going off on other men watching their partners without their partners' knowledge has anything to do with being highly sexed. Being highly abusive, yes.

ElbowPrincess · 15/12/2013 15:44

I think differently to men ... and many women. Just because I think differently does not mean I can voilate someones trust & privacy!

Tiredemma · 15/12/2013 15:45

This would be end of relationship stuff for me. Aside from an affair I would view this as an ultimate betrayal.

He knows you would never agree to it, hence why he never told you and you discovered it for yourself.

joggingalone · 15/12/2013 15:45

Nightofthecactus - yes, it's like bragging, as you said. That's what I meant.
I never said I agreed with it though.
A lot of men must surely look on their partners as possessions of a sort, at least unconsciously, because some men will be practically ready to throw a punch at you, or at least give you a hostile look, if you look sideways at their wife or girlfriend, or look at her a little too long. They seem to be saying to the other man "She's mine! Don't you dare even look at her!" Think of stags. It's all about possession of the females.
Of course the wives will view this as their husband only being protective. But it's not just that. It's being protective of his possession.
Civilisation is only a thin veneer when it comes to the crunch. It takes surprisingly little to tip things over.