My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

anybags I know you are angry on behalf of OP but that's too graphic and likely to be harmful - she needs to become aware at her own pace.

I am sorry, but I think it is bollocks to say that men and women think differently, as fifi and others keep saying.

As I said earlier, I described briefly to my dh (who is a man) what the OP's dh had done, and he was horrified, could see no justification for it (not that it even occurred to him to try to justify it), and thought it was a relationship killer. And I am damn sure he is not the only man on the planet who thinks that way. I don't think I can think of a man of my acquaintance who would think what this excuse for a man did was alright on any level.

Saying 'Oh, but men think differently about this stuff' is just going to let twatty wankbadgers like this OP's husband off the hook. He couldn't help it, his brain is wired differently, he wouldn't understand why his wife would object - etc etc etc. Bollocks. These excuse unacceptable behaviour - and we shouldn't be excusing it, because that just perpetuates it.

Jogging, there is not a thin veneer. There are nasty people around, though.
And that's why we have laws and the police. Because the vast majority of people understand how to respect other people and want to be respected. Our society was created by us, people. Our morals were developed in society to allow us to live in communities. So, our morals are part of our biology and were developed based on our biology too.
Unfortunatly, there are always outliers.

I don't think what anybags posted was too graphic. She has nailed it. And tbh, someone has to say things how they really are to counter the "men think differently than us" contingent.

jogging - 'a young woman' .
are you referring to a specific case of rape here?

This is a kind of bragging, and would have made OP's P feel good about himself. Look what I'm doing. Look what I've got. Aren't you jealous. Aren't I virile. Aren't I lucky.

Where on earth are these kinds of witless comments coming from? (I suppose this kind of shit is supposed to come from Mars rather than, say, Venus.)

The bloke was getting off on the fact that he'd betrayed his partner and strangers were having a good wank over these videos without her knowledge and especially without her consent. It's about the bloke getting sexual jollies over a violation.

She has absolutely nailed it - but the potential damaged repercussions from forcing an abuse victim to realisation too quickly - are huge making it dangerous.

Yes, why do some men need to violate women for their sexual gratification.

I take issue with the idea that most women would see their partner as just being "protective" by acting with hostility to a man looking at her for too long or the wrong way - I would hope that most people would see that as rather worrying and controlling.

I understand to a certain extent that we regard people close to us as part of us - but hopefully most human beings do that with a personal connection - which means we are aware of the other person's humanity.

Treating your partner as a piece of meat, as a "thing", removing their rights, disregarding their feelings is something else.

It is natural to try and understand someone's motivation for doing something - but that doesn't mean that their action can be deemed acceptable because there is some sort of "reason" for it, or if the person doing it was able to minimise and justify it and still see themselves as being a "good" person at the time. I'm sure people who do all sorts of evil things are able to minimise and justify it to themselves at the time.

the vast majority of people No, hardly. I'd water it down to 'most people'.
I think there are big problems with your thumbnail history of morals but the OP's thread isn't the place to discuss that.

I couldn't carry on with someone who did this to me. I would worry that he would start filming me secretly.

I couldn't forgive it. Knowing that someone I loved could betray my trust and ignore my feelings on sharing of personal videos/pictures?

I would be asking for immediate space to get things sorted out. He has let you and your family down badly.

If there are identifiable images somebody calls you out on I would let those people know how badly he betrayed you.

I have no background in law, but surely a solicitor could ban any further spreading of material?

dangerous ?

I think OP's husband's behaviour is dangerous actually physically and emotionally dangerous

A respondent on the internet, answering to something the OP posted herself, offering insight and sympathy ? Not so much.

nauticant - did you actually READ the whole of my post? I went on to say that it was fine to take that approach if you are dealing with a "thing", but that the OP is a human being! I absolutely was NOT justifying this behaviour in any way, shape or form

And I wasn't talking about that being the way that all men are FFS. I was pointing out that OP's partner has somehow divorced the OP's humanity from the idea of her being a thing. I think this is something that can happen to some people who become obsessed with porn - which can be basically dehumanising.

Ok it's was just my thought having spent some time training to work with survivors of abuse.

We don't need to compound his behaviour.

(I agree with every word trays not what I mean btw)

are you referring to a specific case of rape here?

No, any young woman is vulnerable alone at night in a quiet area, as you'd surely agree.
Like stealing bikes or cars, sexual assault is also opportunistic.

No, any young woman is vulnerable alone at night in a quiet area, as you'd surely agree.

Anybody is vulnerable alone at night in some areas.

Like stealing bikes or cars, sexual assault is also opportunistic.

No. Sexual assault is not like theft, in that it's opportunistic or otherwise.

So jogging - only young women are raped?
That's an interesting perspective.

xpost Vivacia.
Absolutely agree with you.

Wry You miss the point that once a vid is posted to a (singular) porn site, it rapidly gets distributed to countless other porn sites and also downloaded to pervert individuals' computers. And then re-uploaded by said individuals to other sites (or shared with others) and passed off as their 'own work'....ad infinitum. It's out there FOREVER, sadly.

OP If you're still reading this, I hope you're feeling a bit less sick / more calm than you were earlier. And that you've sorted out something with your DH regarding some personal space & time to think about what you are going to do.

OP, are you ok?

I think this discussion is getting into realms that right now, the OP might not like to read on her thread. Maybe start a new one?

Unfortunately, it happens. A young woman need only get off a bus at 9 at night and walk home and there is always a slight chance. That's the reality.

Jogging - mate - just quit while you're behind. Don't mansplain rape to a forum of women.

You're telling women that 'rape happens'? Seriously? Who do you think it happens to?

Promulgating ignorant rape myths is not going to dig you out of the hole you're in. Women are not most at risk on their own at night from strangers. BOLLOCKS. They're most at risk from men of their acquaintance.

Where do you think you're going with the bike analogy? Women are not objects. They do not have wheels, bikes do not have vaginas. You cannot lock up your vagina or leave it at home.

Nick Ross was the last bloke to fuck up on this point. Do you really want to repeat his drubbing?

Yes - a few of us are probably going off on one a bit (me included - sorry)

How are you you coping OP? What do you think you are going to do short term? Just one baby step at a time.