My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

That was to Totellthetruthornot ^

This: 'I think its chilling that he is joking about it with you and not begging for forgiveness '

There is something really lacking in someone who can't see how offensive this is. I wonder if he is generally very poor at understanding people and basically socially blind.

No-one wants to throw away 18 years together - but I just don't think I'd ever get past something like this. I'd be (much) more likely to forgive a one night stand than this.

Oh god OP how utterly devastating.

I feel sick on your behalf...

What a wanker.

Like the op said, the more it sinks in the more sick and violating I realise it is.

Why on earth would anyone want someone the love and cherish being wanked over by lots of other men/women?

It turns him on hugely to think that other men fancy his wife, are envying him, the lucky man who can do it with you. If they've been able to leave comments, he knows they would love to have sex with you themselves because you look and sound so sexy. It's very, very flattering for him to think that his wife is desired physically by lots of other men and this makes him feel good about himself and about you too, about the fact that others would love it if they could only be in his shoes. But all they can do is look at you and him, green with envy. To him, it makes you feel even more desirable.
He protected your anonymity by hiding your face so thought he was ok and safe enough, not realising just how terribly upset you'd be if you found out.
He should never have done it without your permission and it's not surprising you're very angry but I don't think you should let it ruin your whole marriage.
If he's highly sexed he'll have watched and listened to many another woman in the throes of sex because it's a big turn on to watch women enjoying it. There are amateur sites where people who just love sex, both men and women, post such things. He just finds it exciting to join in with his little contribution. He's proud of you and pleased he has a wife like you.
You will probably have been looked at for a few days only because there are thousands of sex videos posted daily so men never even need to look at the same woman twice. It would soon get boring and they're spoilt for choice. You will already be long forgotten about and no-one will ever know who you were or where you live.
Just don't let him take any photos again. But your massive reaction has probably taught him his lesson and I doubt he'll never do it again.
So after you've given him a big row and dressing down I think you should leave it at that.

So this "porn is just dandy between consenting adults" shtick has been blown out of the water, hasn't it ?

I am sorry, op. You are married to a man whose porn use is just one aspect of how he views women as pieces of meat. He has simply escalated it to his so-called loved ones. What next ?

Oh for fuck's sake Jogging!

Op, ignore any banal input from the "men have needs" brigade. It is beyond patronising to them, to you and to women as a group.

I bloody well hope he never gets the chance to do it again.

OP, how utterly devastating. His attitude his totally vile. I know I would LTB.

I'd kick him out too. Dirty fucking bastard.

jogging Can I ask if you are male or female?

This has probably already been said, but if he 'thought you'd like it too' why didn't he tell you?

He didn't give a shit wether you'd like it or not, it was all about him getting his rocks off.

It's a massive betrayal, and the fact he asked you off there was any chance of a blow job when you're so obviously upset just confirms he gives not one fuck about your feelings.

I'm sorry op, what are you going to do?

This episode shows that your husband does not see you as a person OP. You're an object, a possession and he can do whatever he likes with you. I'd be appalled and heartbroken if my OH did this to me and I doubt I'd ever speak to him again.

I'm male. Most highly sexed men just find all that kind of stuff exciting, I'm afraid. Yes, from most women's point of view they can be 'filthy, dirty, disgusting' at times. It's not deliberate, just the way we're made. Not an excuse, only reality. And even some women like all this too.
It was very wrong of him to betray her privacy but by keeping it without faces he thought he'd be alright. But I'm not trying to excuse him , just explaining what I think was his motivation. However, the OP could find out by just asking why exactly he did it.

I haven't read the full 7 pages, I'm sure this has already been mentioned but isn't it an offence?

joggingalone Where in that imagined stream of his reasons, his self-gratification, and his ego, does he stop to think - Wait a minute, what would she think about being posted online?

Because best case scenario is that he just didn't stop to consider it for a moment, which is pretty grim coming from a person who is supposed to love and respect you.

Worst case scenario is that he knew full well she wouldn't like it, and did it anyway. I don't think any of us buy for a moment that he thought she would like it, otherwise he would have shared the 'fun' of posting it with her from the beginning.

I don't think I'd be able to forgive such a huge invasion of privacy and betrayal of trust. I'm so sorry this is happening OP.

There is no way I could get past this. No fucking way. Cheating I could perhaps forgive, depending in the circumstances and how much my husband worked on trying to repair the damage, but not this. And the fact he's acting like it's no big deal shows just how little respect he has for your feelings. He's a fucking cunt and doesn't deserve you.

Jogging you think that men with high sex drives get off on betraying their wives' trust and distributing material of them having sex without permission? In my experience, "high sex drive" is more to do with wanting to have a lot of sex, and nothing to do with a being a lying, untrustworthy creep.

I agree with jogging!

Men and women think so differently. What he's done is absolutely shitty, I 100% agree with that. It is a violation of trust, I would feel exposed, embarrassed and be off my face livid. However, LTB? Call the police? After 18 years I'd like to think we'd survive almost anything.

I think I'd need to get the seriousness across before we worked through it though, a shock to the system, like you and DC going away for a few days etc to clear your head (if possible). He's prob joking about it as he knows he's fucked up and is trying to lighten the mood....

Anyone else utterly depressed to know there are men like jogging out there in the world?

After 18 years I'd like to think we'd survive almost anything and I bet that's what the OP's husband was counting on when he tried his minimising shit after she discovered this violation. But we're all made differently. I'm often astounded at what some people put with on MN. Out of interest though, what couldn't you accept fifi?

Very much so calm

I don't know really, I'd find out when it arises! I just think everyone makes mistakes and a one time fuck up shouldn't destroy the family they have. I admit it's a big fuck up, but if aside from that they were happy, why let it be the end?

If nothing else, it would be the end of your sex life surely. Even if you could still find him attractive, which many women wouldn't, how could you ever relax again?