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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 18/12/2013 23:15

Well I am pretty useless at constructive advice but I have to delurk to just offer my support.

It is a really shitty thing to do to you.

Me. I could never forgive him. But this is your life.

(hug)

Loggins · 19/12/2013 00:57

So if you are close to her you should tell her the truth. Don't protect him.
I hope your Mum is ok. I think it's only right you put all your energy in helping her. Sod him, let him sulk, if he was going to put any effort in or say something to make you feel better he would of by now. But he hasn't has he?

ThatVikRinA22 · 19/12/2013 02:32

i cant believe he is sulking while you are dealing with the fallout from this and your mum being ill - i do hope she gets better soon.

dont protect him from his sister - you dont have to explain - but you dont have to pretend either. Say whatever you feel you can.

i really want to come round to yours, give you a huge hug and then smack your stupid idiot DP something silly until he comprehends what it is he has done.

i would tell him that 'cammy' really enjoyed your humiliation and ask him if that was what he was aiming for? im so angry on your behalf. He isnt even fighting to save your relationship is he.....im so so sorry. If he had anything about him he would be throwing himself at your mercy right now. i have never before felt particularly stabby from reading a thread but my god i could really give your partner a piece of my mind.....keep chatting to anyone in RL that you can rely on for support - your aunt sounds fab.

fwiw i would tell his sister that he has completely betrayed your trust - you dont have to go into detail. Let him bloody explain if he dare.....i know not one single person who would think he was the wounded party here.

deemented · 19/12/2013 06:59

Maybe if he thought his sister knew it might actually bring home to him just how fucking serious this actually is.

I'm quite amazed that he seems to think he's the wounded party in all of this.

RubyGoat · 19/12/2013 07:24

Hi Cannot. If his sister realises there is something up, please don't feel you've got to deny it it to protect him. He's not protected your feelings at all. You obviously don't have to tell her what it is. But you need to put your own feelings first, as it's clear he isn't going to. And if that means telling his family, or leaving them to suspect a problem, or if you would prefer to deny all knowledge, you need to act in your own best interests (and the best interests of your DCs). Sod him. He has shown that your feelings are not his priority, why should you prioritise his feelings.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 19/12/2013 07:34

demented You know what though, even if he suddenly had an epiphany and realised how soul destroying this has been for me I'd still be thinking "you're a dick and I don't intend to spend the rest of my life with you" because he's left me for nearly a week in utter pieces. He's not particularly close to his sister anyway so I think it would just cause more animosity between them if I told her and she said anything to him about it.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 19/12/2013 07:37

Telling his sister would be support for you (if you wanted to)

When are you going to stop measuring everything you do against how it affects him ?

People pleasing him still ? Why ? The man has metaphorically fucked you right up the arse and still you use the measure of his discomfort to decide how to act.

Trigglesx · 19/12/2013 07:40

Part of the reason people like him get away with this kind of behaviour without consequences is because he is relying on your embarrassment to keep this a secret. Out him. Tell his sister. He needs to see from someone other than you that this is not acceptable - he thinks you're overreacting and it will blow over. This will show him that he is wrong. Not to mention leave HIM to face the consequences.

LessMissAbs · 19/12/2013 07:42

I think you should go to the police OP. Although I think it might might be a hard case to prosecute under harassment or assault, I think you might be able to get the police to throw him out of your house on the basis that you feel threatened by him. Especially the 'Cammy' thing. Take screenshots for evidence if you haven't already done so.

Although what you have found doesn't actually identify you, there's no guarantee that it won't in the future, and you dont know the full extent of what he might have tone or might do.

I am sure the police will have dealt with similar matters before.

If he starts going stay re his contributions to the mortgage, tell him you will sue him in civil law for damage to your reputation, hurt feelings, stress due to you bheing put in a state of fear and alarm, etc..

I suspect if you dont do something like this, it will ctontinue to eat away at you. Best to do something now while the evidence is still to be found.

The other reason I think you should go to the police is the nature of his job. I think the police should get a warrant to search his work and home computers, as his behaviour is seriously disturbing demonstrating an exploitative attitude towards women and secrecy, and his job gives him access to large numbers of young and possibly vulnerable people.

Trigglesx · 19/12/2013 07:51

Even if he had an epiphany at this point, would you really believe him? Or would you most likely think he was saying it to get on your good side.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/12/2013 08:03

He has not shown any concern for you. Why do you still plan what you do around protecting him and his feelings? Put yourself first. He is not going to. I think the last week has shown you more of what sort of man he is than the last 18 years. But you are wise to not be rash.

I do think you need to take legal advice and see a solicitor.

Lweji · 19/12/2013 08:08

I have actually found to be more energy draining not to tell what was going on in the marriage than to tell. Once it was out, it was surprisingly easier.

You don't have to tell it all, but you could tell his sister you are going through a serious crisis, but will deal with it after Christmas and when you can concentrate on it.

The point about evidence is very valid. Make sure you keep some in a safe place (your aunt?) should you need it.

EllieInTheRoom · 19/12/2013 08:41

You don't have to tell it all, but you could tell his sister you are going through a serious crisis, but will deal with it after Christmas and when you can concentrate on it.

I would do this, instead of telling her everything. She is after all his sister and if you told her what he had done was making you want to chuck him out, wouldn't she be likely to minimise it?

I definitely agree its a good idea to tell people, don't protect him! But make sure you tell people who will support YOU!

Meerka · 19/12/2013 08:51

I actually think that going to the police because of the nature of his job is a good thing too. This isnt a man who respects women and some students can be very impressionable. Not saying he's done anything but the way things are going, should you end up apart then you never know ... and something liek that could ruin a student's future life and career

Sollers · 19/12/2013 08:54

I don't suppose wanker speaks French does he? Because if so, you might want to let him see this: where a man is given four months in jail for distributing pornographic photos of his ex on the internet.

Beastofburden · 19/12/2013 09:05

Is it the actual conversation with his sister you can't face, OP? Because you don't have to face that, you can just send her a link to this thread. I think there is a lot to be said for being honest with her.

If nobody knows why you are breaking up (if that's what you choose, not meaning to make assumptions ) and all people know is him saying "she says i did something unforgivable, honestly it wasnt that bad, she's overreacting but she won't talk about it" then there may be more support for him. If people (not the whole world, but key people like his family) know what he did, they will tell him to STFU and be grateful he's not in jail. Which might make all the difference in terms of you getting a fair settlement of house and income for you and your children.

Meerka · 19/12/2013 09:07

beast makes a good point. he could very easily minimize this if you don't tell at the least the most important people. He's already minimizing it to you.

Beastofburden · 19/12/2013 09:08

And yes a thousand times to seeing a solicitor, as you are not married especially, to make sure you get a fair deal.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:12

Actually people talking about the fact that he has a job where he has constant contact with young people coupled with a complete lack of respect for boundaries, do have a point.

OP I know you said that you don't want to go to the police, but you may feel differently after the first shock of this has passed.

Reporting his behaviour to the police may do 2 things:

  1. Uncover other stuff he's been doing (hopefully not, but you never know)

and

  1. Ensure that the authorities know what sort of a man he is, which may in future be important to your family.
MinesAPintOfTea · 19/12/2013 09:27

OP: try using whois to get a postal address associated with the website and send them an actual letter. It shows (for example) that mumsnet.com is registered to the address Unit 6 Deane House Studios, Greenwood Place, London, NW5 1LB and gives an email address too. Worth a try and doesn't require you to look at more photos.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 19/12/2013 09:43

I'm thinking about his sister to though. Can you imagine finding that out about your brother? Although I suppose you could argue that you would want to know.

Mines - I asked him last night why the fuck there was still one video that could be accessed and the others where still on the site. He said that he's emailed them to ask that they'd been taken down. Thanks for that link, I'll have a look too.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 09:45

I'm thinking about his sister to though. Can you imagine finding that out about your brother? Although I suppose you could argue that you would want to know.

And no doubt she'll find out one day - and probably wonder why you couldn't confide in her. I'm sure she'd want to know.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but as others have said - time to put yourself first.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 10:05

cannotfuckingbelievethis, you are the star of your own life.

You're thinking about his sister, you're thinking about him, you're thinking about his work - fuck all that.

Think about you. You are the most important person in this scenario. You. You matter. What you want, what you feel, what you decide, is what's important here.

You've clearly been very used to putting others first and not believing that you are important. You are, please believe that.

Have you thought of calling Women's Aid or Rape Crisis? They're not just for physical violence or rape, they would be very good to talk to about this, they may help you sort your feelings out.

Trigglesx · 19/12/2013 10:12

Let's put it this way. He's put videos of you on a porn site, with no regard whatsoever to his feelings and you're worried about dropping him in the shit with his family? He's counting on you being a people pleaser and you not wanting to upset his family, so he figures you won't tell. I will bet he hasn't even ASKED you not to mention this to anyone.... because he assumes you will either be too embarrassed or will want to not upset anyone. Call. His. Bluff! Put HIM in the hotseat and let him face the consequences of his actions.

I didn't tell family and mutual friends about why DH & I separated (abusive behaviour) and he painted himself as a victim and implied to everyone that it was my fault we split - so everyone thinks I've been unreasonable (except my close friends that know what happened). I should have been honest and open about it from the beginning.

Trigglesx · 19/12/2013 10:13

sorry, typo... "no regard whatsoever to YOUR feelings...."