My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

It's great that now you have real life support.

Just wanted to point out something. To send him packing is also te right thing for the children.
If I knew my dad had done anything similar to my mum I'd want him gone. And I would respect her for kicking him out.
Your children will probably (and hopefully) never know the truth, but nobody wants to live in a home where the mother is miserable because she was betrayed by the other adult.

At some point he may almost certainly point the blame at you, but all you have to say is that you don't love dad anymore. You don't have to have a big reason to leave.

Your aunt sounds awesome :o

I worries me that he can't understand how wrong he's been. If he can't understand that then he doesn't understand stand that you are entitled to your boundaries and that means you can never trust him again.

If he knew he'd made a mistake, understood that and was begging forgiveness knowing how much he's hurt you you could expect him never to do it again. He's oblivious or thinks you have no right to your boundaries if they are different to that. What hope do you stand in the future unless that changes? What else does he feel entitled to do even if it contradicts your wishes?

I agree with everything you've said Joysmum. But my head is spinning too much just now to be concerned with working out why he can't get how big a deal this is. That's for him to work out, if he wants to. He had a very small window of opportunity to really say sorry like he meant it and offer some kind of plausible explanation. That has now passed. He's burying his head in the sand like he's always done in the past and hoping I'll let emotions and any love I have left for him rule my head.

(((hugs))) to you OP. You are doing so well.

Something struck me reading back through your posts:

'' If you were to ask him why, I'd guess he would say that it's because I told him that he repulsed me and I didn't want him anywhere near me. But if he was genuinely sorry or wanting to save his family then he would be on his fucking knees begging forgiveness, wouldn't he ?''
and
''We've never had to deal with anything like this before, but I know how his mind works. I think he probably feels embarrassed and worried but is also probably thinking "she'll calm down, she wouldn't break up the family for this, she'll put the kids first". He obviously doesn't know me that well.''

This is all about him and trying to guess what he thinks and feels.

''What sticks in my mind is the first sentence he uttered when I confronted him about this. I asked why he did it, he said "because I like the thought of other men watching you and getting turned on." So no fucking regard whatsoever for what I thought.''

He is used to his thoughts and feelings being more important than yours and you have been supporting his view by not giving your thoughts and feelings precedence over his.

''because I was worried about how it would affect them. I didn't want to rock the boat or for them to get upset. This is a habit which I need to stop.''

But what you said in this paragraph shows that you know what you are doing (ie putting yourself second) and that it needs to stop, because you are worthy of putting yourself first, pleasing yourself and showing your DD that you value yourself, thereby giving her a good role model.

I feel glad that you are angry and are showing him your anger. Keep showing him your feelings - they have just as much worth as his.

To probably misquote Maya Angelou 'when someone show you who they are, believe them'.

Yes, if he were really sorry, he'd find a way to show it - while respecting that you don't want him anywhere near you. If not on his knees, begging, then a letter. Or staying with a friend to give you space. At the very least, sleeping on the sofa (I assume he's still in the bed?) Doing everything in his power to get the videos removed.

But as you know, he's not sorry. He's "bewildered." Maybe hoping that you will put your energy into trying to educate him as to why you feel strongly about this.

It's great that you're not going to do that!

Yes he's still in the bed.

I'm cuddling up to DS who is loving it actually.

I can understand you doing that - and a nice treat for DS!

But as a PP observed earlier (I think), FW will be thinking that that's the punishment you've doled out... after a little while, he'll be pushing for you to come back to bed and assuming it's over.

Ah well, get Christmas out of the way first, then deal with him, eh?

That's what I'm planning Charlotte. As I've said elsewhere in the thread there are quite a few other family things going on at the moment (not concerning OH) so I feel a bit stretched all over the place just now. I will be sleeping in the back garden rather than back in the bed next to him. It will not happen.

:o Go, girl!

I have a history of talking myself into other people's points of view (especially if it's a partner). I can't even begin to think how I'd react in your situation, but your strength impresses me.

Hi OP

Just echoing everyone else really. It's good that you've been able to talk to your (awesome) Aunt.

Well done! Keep it up. You're doing all the right things.

For the record, with the extra informaiton you've given about the length of time and your past. I would personally be getting rid - ASAP. Although I still believe that you know best and should trust yourself on any decision you make.

Glad you have found some support in your aunt. Well done.

Take away from this thread, that this is not about him, and how he is feeling. This is about you and what you deserve.

Because if you do decide to get a divorce (which is for you alone to decide), I am quite sure that there will be a lot of emotional blackmail by him around all the arrangements. Learn from this support, that you deserve a deal that is right for you and the children and not just for him.

It's great that you could talk to your aunt OP and that she was understanding. I don't know what else to say, but know that you will be able to get a lot of support here through things

Sorry is too risky a strategy for him to play with.

Sorry opens up too many discussions he won't come out of well. The possibility of a real discussion will just shine a spotlight on the fact that he has violated you and betrayed you and disregarded your feelings.

That is not a conversation that he can possibly start because if he gives that 'Script' airspace then there is nowhere to go for him, except shame, repentance, acknowledging his own wrongdoing and failure and betrayal and then with that on board as The Script (the truth) he'd have to attempt to earn back your respect. Too much for him. Too much like hard work.

Far better strategy from his pov to stubbornly continue to play dumb for a while 'til your anger runs out of steam.. To persist with creating his own Script; the script that it really wasn't a big deal, the script that you have over reacted, the Script that your face couldn't be seen so it's not really you, The Script that he's shocked and upset by your over reaction......................... if he persists with that script, things will calm down when you run out of steam and get back to normal. Normal for him.

This is what he is banking on. So he doesn't even want your respect back. He just wants easy and normal back.

I'm so sorry OP. Glad that your aunt could make you laugh! You'll get through this.

Totally different types of bad behaviour but my x used to manipulate my reaction to his own behaviour. No matter what he'd done, he'd act like I was crazy if I was upset or angry or resentful. He stubbornly persisted with that train of thought that he had done nothing wrong and he continues to do that, 7 years after I left him! ha ha

I'm glad you've been able to speak to someone IRL. I'm going through a bit of a tough patch atm - completely different to yours - but I felt I coupldn't tell anyone. When I finally spoke to someone about it, the relief was immense, especially as I had all but decided that they would disown me when they found out - the fact that they are still here, despite knowing that about me, I find amazing, and I'm so greatful for their support. I hope you know that you are in no way to blame for what has happened - it happened to you, and you are now in a place where you can take control of that back. You can only become and get stronger from here on in. By telling someone, it's not a dirty little secret anymore, and you have taken back some of that power he had over you. You've done so well, you should be proud of yourself.

I too am glad you have spoken to someone in real life. I think the approach you have taken is really admirable. By giving yourself a chance to understand your emotions you will be able to determine that y what you previously experienced as a good relationship may or may not have passed a point of no return for you. TBH his attitude now and before has some very strong narcasscistic indicators and now he seems to be very devoid of emotion.

That's a very interesting post, N0llaig.

Glad you were able to talk to your Aunt and it was a good thing for her to make a joke! If you had not have told at least one family member they may pick up on something and wonder what is wrong.

Get Christmas out of the way, as you say, then you can deal with this.

Do try and have a happy Christmas in spite of that dick :( Maybe a bit of a goss and sip of your favourite tipple with Aunty is in order. Wish my aunt was like yours. Mine is extremely Victorian and thinks men can do no wrong. She is a spinster. Dread to think what she would say if I told a similar tale to you. Would almost be worth it to see her face!!!!!

OP, so glad to hear you confided in your wonderful Aunt

Acknowledging NOllaig's post, which makes sense, am wondering now what he would do, what his reaction would be if he knew that you'd told your Aunt. I mean now that it's out there in the real world with a real person who knows you both. Do you think that might drive home the enormity of what he's done? That it might instil a sense of self disgust?

Furthermore, is there the possibility of your Aunt having a dialogue with him about it to make him squirm? Just wondering if that might be helpful in any way, or if that would open up a whole Pandora's box...

Leaving him would be putting the children first. He has no boundaries.

Really glad you have real life support.

@ fiftyandfab yes, imo, the more close, trusted outsiders you tell the better. It gives you perspective. 'oh, Other people also think this is shocking'. 'Other people in my shoes would be angry and upset'.

It makes it real, and it takes focus off appearances. Which we're all a bit victim to keeping up an appearance. Nobody wants to stand up at Christmas and shout down Kirsty Allsopp making christmas tree decorations by the fireside and say 'well, my family consists of one broke humiliated sahm, one treacherous pervert and two innocent kids who are about to get a big shock'. BUT that desire to appear like the show is still on the road when it's not, personally, it held me back. So tell people even if right now it feels embarrassing because it's not your shame so offload it and get the perspective and support. You have to get a different show on a different road! and telling people helps you do that.

OP I know it's hard to tell everything. In my case, my x actually tried to strangle me and then acted like nothing had happened a minute later. He offered me a cup of tea, accused me of having the hump when I sat there reeling and not answering. So for me, to say to people that he had tried to strangle me and I didn't walk out the door immediately, it was humiliating. (can't compare to being on the internet as nobody saw) but I did feel that it was humiliating so I gave people an edited version of the real true facts but what I told them meant that the support the gave was for the right feelings I was having. Hope you can make sense of that.

Wise words about the Kirsty show Nollaig (agus Nollaig Shona dhuit!)

I wonder how he'd feel if the bf of one of his daughters did the same as he's done to you.

cannot, wishing you strength

I agree with Nollaig, and, personally, while admire your determination to preserve Christmas for the children OP, I don't think that means he has to be in the house until then. There's a whole week til Christmas, he could go for now and return for Christmas, you could tell the kids he had to go for work or family etc.

I don't care what's going on vis a vis his uni work, and I don't think you should feel you have to sublimate your needs to his. If he has to go and stay somewhere inconvenient and disrupt his work then so be it. He has brought this on himself and you're effectively shielding him from the consequences of his actions, albeit with the best intentions. It's you who is having to share a bed with your son. He should be the one on the sofa.

I wonder if this strategy is a way of preserving an area of your life in which this has not happened? Likewise, are you really sure that you couldn't tell any of your friends? Would they really be shocked? Obviously I don't know your friends... You do not bear any of the shame for what happened, only he does.