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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 18/12/2013 13:33

OP, I've been lurking away on this thread, so glad that you have someone in RL to let it out to.

Your head must be exploding with the stress of it all.

I have to say, this is one of the most shocking threads I've read... You hang around on Relationships for a while and think you've heard it all... and then along comes the man who is really surprised that his partner of 18 years and mother of his children is upset that he's posted porn videos of her all over the net. To get his own rocks off.

Above all I can't get over the fact that he's apparently an intelligent, professional man. An intelligent professional man with young children. It's just horrible. Horrible that people who actually think they are entitled to treat people like this exist; even more horrible that this is what they'd see as a loving healthy relationship.

OP I really hope you move on from him: apart from never feeling the same about him again (and presumably never again having a sex life that doesn't utterly disgust you), you now know that this guy has as much respect for you, YOU the person, as he does for a pile of dog poo. Not a terribly secure position to be in for your life going forward.

Vivacia · 18/12/2013 13:40

I don't think he's really surprised at all. I think his shock is just convenient for him.

TalkativeJim · 18/12/2013 13:42

And reading through others comments I would say that I can identify with what many others have said about why it really would be the end.

I have often said that if my DH was unfaithful, or let me down in a similarly catastrophic way, I would not be able to move on and forgive and our relationship would be over.

I KNOW this to be true because I KNOW the kind of person I am.

I might WANT to forgive. Hell, I'm sure that if it did happen, I would almost certainly backtrack at once, and hear myself saying and thinking the opposite - how could I break up the family? How could I manage alone? What about the children? Etc.

It might even be ok for a short while. On the surface.

But underneath, in my heart, I would hate him. I'd hate him all the more for having once loved him and trusted him. And over time, it would EAT ME UP. I'm not the most easy going person when all isn't fine, not really. And it would NEVER really be fine. So - whenever there was a little argument, whenever he did something to annoy or irritate - I KNOW I'd be there, screaming in his face what a pig he was and how much I hated him. Not because he forgot to do the dishes, but because in my heart I had not a jot of respect for him and felt pure hatred for the fact he'd taken me for a ride.

So I hope I'd have the courage to end it straight away rather than go through that.

That's where I think you might be now OP. An affair is so horrendous. This is a betrayal of that magnitude, COMBINED with something so utterly devoid of any smidgen of basic respect for you that surely it can NEVER be 'repaired'. It's not a deviation from the norm, it IS the norm.

Wishing you all strength op.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 18/12/2013 13:45

I told hin last night that the only reason I was still in the house was that I didn't have money to take the kids anywhere. I doubt very much that he would leave voluntarily. I can see it turning into a Mexican standoff .

OP posts:
N0llaigSh0na · 18/12/2013 13:57

Grin thanks Mairead!

The thing about intelligence, I think sometimes academic intelligence only makes them more entitled! (can speak for all intelligent men who are so entitled and unwilling to admit any fault of course) but.......my x had a masters. so therefore he was entitled to more respect Hmm. I just have A level equivalent, and although I would have been much better at picking up on other people's cues, putting other people at ease, phrasing difficult requests etc.., ultimately he didn't value those skills at all. They were useful to him, like typing, but not skills that he valued like his own, and certainly didn't earn me his respect!!!

But it was all to do with entitlement and nothing to do with respect.

And so in answer to the puzzling question, how can an intelligent man be this obtuse, it's because they create a situation where all of their needs are met,and bingo that works for them. It may not be REAL in the way that decent empathetic people with a high emotional and social intelligence would value but it is a situation that meets their needs successfully. But it's real enough for them. Or as real as they can handle, as real as they want it to be.

Could be WAY off here. But my x was / is still highly respected in his field. Sometimes I think I imagined it all. Just for a moment.

N0llaigSh0na · 18/12/2013 13:58

I mean i canT speak

Vivacia · 18/12/2013 13:59

This is why some people are recommending you bide your time, get legal advice, plan and get free.

BeCool · 18/12/2013 14:04

I have a very close male relative who is highly intelligent. He considers himself to be a champion of the underdog and to be fair he does get involved in really helping people out who have no money etc but need help and pragmatic support.

he also exploits these people. Because he feels he is entitled to. He feels his education means he is superior to the uneducated.

It's really a case of "we are all equal (but some are more equal than others)" with him. It's sickening.

Intelligence actually has nothing to do with it - lots of "intelligent" educated have superiority complexes, even self proclaimed socialists.

Pollaidh · 18/12/2013 14:36

So glad you're getting your aunt's support.

I'm concerned you're talking about leaving the family house. If you leave he might be able to twist that as you being in the wrong. If you kick him out you would be fully justified. Just don't ever let him make you think that as he's the higher earner etc he has all the rights to the house. Even if you haven't been working outside the home, you've been working at home, producing his children, raising those children, supporting his career. Even if you've not paid into the mortgage then you probably contributed to furniture etc. I know you're not married, but if this was a divorce, the judge would take that all into account, as well as his horrific behaviour.

I hate to think of you and your children suffering further if you leave, while he gets to keep the family house. Please seek legal advice.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 14:48

I can see it turning into a Mexican standoff

On the one hand I feel you should keep to the moral high ground; on the other: asking him to 'leave this house until Christmas or I will tell our friends and family what you have done', is perfectly legitimate, in the circumstances.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 14:51

I don't see why you should have to stay in the house as someone who's degraded and debased you, just because he's too stupid or unethical to understand the severity of his crime.

I feel that you moving to your child's room sends him the wrong message: it implies that it's your problem that you need to accommodate.

Pollaidh · 18/12/2013 14:53

I think he's probably assuming/hoping that due to the embarrassing nature of what happened you won't dare to make it public. You can threaten to, in fact you already have told someone, well done. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Any decent person hearing this story will be focussing on what a massive abusive arse he is.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 15:02

Of course he is... although I doubt he thought even considered that when sticking them on the net, I'm sure he'll bank on her telling no-one now... Abusers always do, and that's why I feel it's important to speak out.

Biscuitsareme · 18/12/2013 15:05

This must be horrendous for you.

But remember, it's HIS shame, not yours. Threaten to shame him to family, friends and work colleagues if he won't leave, and carry out your threat if need be.

Good luck!

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 15:10

I'm not suggesting you should tell people btw OP. Sexual abuse always shames the victim, so of course you don't want anyone to know.

But - threatening your partner with exposure, assuming he believed you would go through with it, which he may not, may assist him in feeling the shame that until now, he has been apparently unable.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 15:11

I'm not suggesting you should tell people btw OP. Sexual abuse always shames the victim, so of course you don't want anyone to know.

But - threatening your partner with exposure, assuming he believed you would go through with it, which he may not, may assist him in feeling the shame that until now, he has been apparently unable.

OddFodd · 18/12/2013 15:12

I also think that many academics have a heightened sense of their own importance, gained in large part by the quasi-deification some of their students afford them.

I don't know if your husband is that type of academic (ie one that lectures and leads tutor groups), cannot, but I wouldn't be surprised. It entirely fits with the the narrative that Nollaig describes.

You may find it easier to tell other people now you've told one too. Personally, I've found that to be true when I've had a monumental 'thing' to let out.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you're magnificent and your husband isn't fit to lick your boots

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 15:15

I dunno, I know lots of nice academics, and self-importance is not limited to any particular profession...

TalkativeJim · 18/12/2013 15:15

Get legal advice!

As well as letting you know what options you have, it is a powerful positive move which will boost confidence, I am sure.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 15:16

Yes, I can see the stand off too.
That is why you need to seek legal help, even if that means making a formal complaint against him.
I don't actually think he'd want that, even less than you would.
The actual videos don't have to be made public. People will only know that they exist, as we do. There would be police officers who would see them, as well as solicitors and maybe a jury. On the other hand, there have been thousands of views already.
And you may well be able to get an injunction so that he is kicked out of the house.
Conversely, he'd get a criminal record, possibly a prison sentence. And public shame.

Beastofburden · 18/12/2013 15:19

Hmmmm.... People saying that clever people can be arrogant... I find it is more the second rate ones that feel the need to show off, put everyone in their place, etc. Really clever people are acute and they are also often more secure.

We know that after 18 years of adult life, minimum, I think the OP said the guy is a junior lecturer on £35k. That is around National spinal point 35 (that's the national pay scale for academics). A professor would be on national spinal point 55 - 20 promotions ahead of this guy. Just saying....

whatdoesittake48 · 18/12/2013 15:22

The only thing I could see as a path towards forgiveness is if he accepts his role in objectifying you and agrees to seek treatment for sexual abuse. that may mean him accepting he is dangerous around women, leaving his job until his treatment is complete and being completely contrite. I doubt this will happen.

OddFodd · 18/12/2013 15:25

I know an awful lot of nice academics too! I was just thinking about some of them who really enjoy the power it can give them. I'm just trying to get my head around how someone can do this to another human being, much less the woman they share their life with and who is the mother of their children

crazyafterall · 18/12/2013 15:52

The more I think about this the more I think you should get some kind of legal advice on this. I really think it will empower you to get some kind of support and approbation from a legal point of view. As well as potentially shaming and possibly prosecuting him.

Where that leaves your marriage I don't know. This is not some teenage chancer angry that you dumped him and getting revenge. He is your life partner Sad

MostWicked · 18/12/2013 16:04

Conversely, he'd get a criminal record, possibly a prison sentence. And public shame.

The reality is, that is incredibly unlikely.
The videos don't identify her face.
They were not posted with the intention of causing any distress or embarrassment

There isn't a specific law against doing this. I'm not even sure that he has even committed a criminal offence. There don't seem to be many previous prosecutions, but the only references I can find, is where videos or photos were posted of an ex, as an act of revenge or attempt to extort money. It seems to come under the harassment laws, where there has to be intent. Whatever the outcome has been, he didn't post them with any malicious intent.