My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

What he said begs the question of how did he think you'd react? Why did he hide it and not ask you?

But it also shows how he thought you'd go along with anything he chooses to do, as you have so far. He clearly thought that by being dismissive you'd tow his line.

I do think you'd have a very good case to legally kick him out of the house. This level of deceit could be reflected in other ways. Essentially you have someone at home you cannot trust with your intimacy. Who's to day he isn't capable of covert filming you and posting?

I really think you should seek legal help about this and see if he can be removed from the family home, if he doesn't go by himself.

I think his reaction is entirely in keeping with the way he's treated you sexually up until now I'm afraid. That you would feel uncomfortable but that you would go along with it. His sexual gratification is paramount; your feelings are secondary.

I'm glad you're getting angry because I think that's a healthy reaction to this gross betrayal and violation

My heart goes out to you, now especially (although before too) reading that were abused as a child. I was also a people pleaser and it lead me into a life where I couldn't have drawn a line between what i wanted and what my x wanted. he was abusive and since leaving I've been 'fixing' that people pleasing side of myself. Have much better boundaries now, so it is possible to become less of a people pleaser.

I know you're in crisis now, and I really feel for you but maybe this will be the catalyst that will help you get a life that pleases YOU because if you're only forty then you have lots of time left to put yourself first.

I too had a daughter (of four) wehn I left and I would have wanted better for her too. As my psychotherapist said "mother yourself". Treat yourself like you would treat your daughter

Well, quite - how did he expect his wife, or any woman to react?

He didn't think he'd get caught and insofar as he thought at all it was his dick and his sordid fantasies.

Op - I think that he needs to be the one to try to track down the images / videos online and get them deleted. This is his mess - he should be moving heaven and earth to fix it.

And if, as I suspect, he can't fix it he needs to discover that. To realise that this is something that can never be undone.

Can I suggest a fiction book to you - "The Rose Petal Beach" by Dorothy Koomson. It's a good read generally - she is an excellent author - but I think you might also find it resonates in places.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB but I will say that whether you want it to end or not I think that your relationship is over - I don't see how you can ever go back.

OP I feel sick for you. This awful violation of trust, sustained over (at least) 10 months.

What a great dad, wake the kids, give them breakfast, maybe play with them for a while, then have a quick look online to see what comments are posted about his unsuspecting partner, then maybe work on his essay for a bit.
He has been doing this for months. He doesn't care about you, and his (lack of) reaction is just exacerbating things IMO. He bought you chocolates? He acted klike a hurt teenager? What a horrible, horrible man.
You and your children deserve better than this creep.

YOU are not the one who should feel ashamed. He should be hanging his head and begging for forgiveness instead of minimising his abusive behaviour.

Hugs to you.

"I think that he needs to be the one to try to track down the images / videos online and get them deleted."

She can't trust this devious, deceitful bastard to that for her.

cannot - if you want those image gone (and you can certainly make some inroads) get help from someone who knows online video well (and ideally porn sites).

But don't trust him to do it. There's very likely to be more you don't know about.

You might be able to get some advice on how to get the videos removed from the internet in the legal section on MN.

Wow, he really hasn't been thinking about your feelings at all. I used to be a people pleaser as well and those less considerate ( re: selfish, narc, totally emotionally unavailable, dominating, habitual socializers ) people would be totally shocked when they discovered I had feelings when they did something completely out of the norm.

Can it be that he was a great partner and father because you made little compromises for him, I wonder. I'm glad you are angry at him and had a go at him Op.

He should have fallen to his knees and begged you for forgiveness by now. God he is a lecturer, how thick can he possibly be to not recognize what he has been doing is just plain fucking wrong?! It doesn't make sense at all. He just wanted it and despite knowing it's wrong he overlooked your presence because he felt he won't have to face the consequences. What a prick. So angry on your behalf Op.

And really it's sad he is a lecturer. He shouldn't be allowed in Unis. Who knows what else he could have been filming at school.

Can you see a solicitor. And if he has a separate PC at school you might want to get that checked, and his USB sticks and external harddrives. Also you might want to google the login ID he used and see something else comes up. Most sites make you enter your email and most of them sends account confirmation email, so you might want to google with his email too, or search his emails to see what memberships he is on.

i would take screenshots of what you found lest he minimizes them away. So so sorry this has happened to you.

I've read this - I think you should call the police - he is a disgusting disgrace of a man. They will at least be able to help get the videos pulled.

The fact you were abused as a child makes his betrayal even worse. I rarely get emotionally involved on internet forum but I am devasted for you and absolutely livid.

I can see why you want to put a good christmas on for your children - but I'd be telling him he is out after Christmas.

You can get tax credits etc and YOU WILL be fine without him - you don't thInk so because he has stolen your confidence - without him around you will get it back.
X

*"I think that he needs to be the one to try to track down the images / videos online and get them deleted."

She can't trust this devious, deceitful bastard to that for her.*

No - but she can check if he's done it or not. She needs to control but he should be doing the work - not cheerily writing is silly little essays or whatever he is busy with right now.

"No - but she can check if he's done it or not"

That will be as much work as just doing it herself.

I get you - he should be the one doing the work - but there's no fixing this. Taking them down won't make up in any way for putting them up.

But giving him this punishment kind of implies that she will forgive him if he does it.

I do think you'd have a very good case to legally kick him out of the house. This level of deceit could be reflected in other ways. Essentially you have someone at home you cannot trust with your intimacy. Who's to day he isn't capable of covert filming you and posting?

If she goes legal, then she has to go public. She has to tell the police about the videos and they will have to view them to verify they exist and they are of her. He could easily argue that she was a willing participant (which she was) and had full knowledge that they were posted.
That would be quite a hideous thing to go through.

OP, he is used to not having to really consider your feelings (he knows you are a people pleaser).

So, of course he is surprised by your reaction because he has never given your feelings and choices priority before. What he wanted in this instance mattered more to him.

I would 'press pause' on the relationship for a while: sort out kids etc and give myself time without limit.

I hope that you don't feel the need to rush, take your time to process what has happened and how you feel/want to do.

I would sit next to him while he logged onto every account he has, and deleted the videos, then deleted his account, then deleted all his video files from the computer.

Like everyone else here I am gutted for you OP. Your trust has been abused outrageously and you are so courageous in how your are dealing with not just this, but aspects of your own personal history.
Please, keep posting and talking things through. You will get through this so please don't think you are on your own.

Oh gosh I too had missed how long he has been doing this for.

I was sexually abused as a child and ended up with a man who sounds very similar to your partner. Another poster has very eloquently described how your childhood experiences have affected the way you have coped and rationalised your partner's sexual behaviour towards. I am so sorry you are going through this and am relieved you have shown you are angry, it's not good to keep these emotions bottled up inside you.

I do not want to rush you through your emotions but I do think you should consider going to a free solicitor's consultation. You mention having no money to go anywhere and you may find it reassuring to get advice on where you stand legally.

However in the short term I do still feel it would be okay to ask him to stay with someone else. It doesn't have to be a huge upsetting thing for the kids, they will be sensing something anyway, kids are very astute and it may be worse to be under the same roof and the kids picking up on the tension than him being on a course or visiting a friend. It would give you time and space to process things.

i am actually at a loss to comprehend how someone apparently intelligent can be so so thick. He is shocked at your reaction? im gobsmacked. I too am glad you are starting to "feel" something and allowing him to feel the brunt of that.

i wonder if you would consider calling an advice line such as rape crisis - they are so informative, supportive, and they will have heard and dealt with all this before. I think this would be a really positive step for you to take in working out what next - they may also know how to get the videos removed.

im a police officer and im at a loss to know how to get rid of them - the internet is a whole world of pain legally because its such a free for all.

i really do wish you well in what ever you decide to do next - but please call rape crisis to just talk it through.

link here for you when you are ready

OP hope you are ok (well as ok you can be under the ciscumstances).
Has your (D)H made any suggestions as to how to make amends/move on from here? At the very least he should no longer have any photos or videos of you, as he can clearly not be trusted with them. How does he plan to try and rebuild trust?

Morning everyone,

I went to see my aunt last night and told her the whole sorry tale. She was brilliant and pretty much said the same as most of you have said here. I can trust her that it won't go any further.

He's barely spoke since last night. If you were to ask him why, I'd guess he would say that it's because I told him that he repulsed me and I didn't want him anywhere near me. But if he was genuinely sorry or wanting to save his family then he would be on his fucking knees begging forgiveness, wouldn't he ?

We've never had to deal with anything like this before, but I know how his mind works. I think he probably feels embarrassed and worried but is also probably thinking "she'll calm down, she wouldn't break up the family for this, she'll put the kids first". He obviously doesn't know me that well.

And thanks again for all the support on here. I'm a bit overwhelmed by it to be honest.

hiya, glad you spoke to someone you trust xx

You have been very brave.

I'm glad you are getting real life support too.

I'm so glad you have spoken to someone in real life about this and have someone on your side who can give you hugs and look you in the eye when they listen to you.

Sounds like he's feeling very sorry for himself and put out that you are sticking up for yourself for once.

I'm sure you're right that he thinks you'll cave eventually and it will be back to business as usual.

And believe it or not my Aunt actually made me laugh....she's a bit nuts.

She said "Oh well, that's you fucked up any chances of going on the X Factor now isn't it, seeing as you made a sex tape !"