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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 17/12/2013 14:59

Just catching up. Flowers for the OP.

There is something terrifying about the power of the Internet to magnify our stupid mistakes. It is very hard to believe that the guy didn't understand what would happen if he posted videos, even if he may not have expected 20,000 views. His failure to get the OPs consent is unforgivable, especially as he knew she had a traumatic sexual history from her childhood. His ability to underestimate what would happen might be stupid and naive rather than malicious, but he is still responsible for what he did.

This is on a par with other major breaches of trust. I don't know how you penetrate that skin of false jokiness to make him recognise what he has done. Perhaps you can write it down?

I hope, OP, that very soon those videos will be yesterday's news and the creeps who have viewed them will find something else to view, and you will disappear from google. Given the way the Internet goes, that's quite a possibility. The web is full of stuff that's still there, but nobody views any more.

GinAndIt · 17/12/2013 15:00

Oh wow, OP, I'm so sorry to read your recent posts. It felt like a blow to the gut just reading them so I can't begin imagine how you must be feeling today. Sadly Join's last post was spot on.

He is a manipulative, deceitful, abusive bastard. If it were me, I couldn't carry on with the marriage. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this.

Pollaidh · 17/12/2013 15:20

Hello again,

I've been saying I'd leave in these circumstances but haven't said you should as it's not my place and as only you know the full history and circumstances and there was a tiny tiny chance he was just an unbelievable idiot, one time mistake, he'd really repent etc. However having read your latest posts re: the number of times, and length of time he's been doing this without telling you, and the abuse in your childhood, which he knew about, then I'm scared for you. Only a complete and utter, irredeemable bastard would do this. Words cannot express how horrified I was when I read that he knew your history and still did that. It elevates this to a whole new and terrifying level.

I don't want to worry you further, but are you sure you're his only victim? (Students, children? The psychology is probably different, but the abuse of power here is scary.) There's a useful book called The Right Touch, which is suitable (especially with some paraphrasing) for children the age of yours, and can help introduce a difficult topic.

Like someone above has said, holding in anger is damaging. I used to do this and it actually prevented me processing something. I had help from a psychologist to become angry and she said it was essential that when anger is justified, you let yourself feel it at some point.

This is awful, I'm so sorry.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 17/12/2013 15:24

OP, I am so sorry that you were abused as a child. Sadly, I had presumed this would be the case since your first few comments. The mindset of an abused child who tries to keep it quiet, or minimise the truth to keep her parents happy, is exactly the one you have used as an adult to cope with, and deny the reality to yourself of what you have clearly described as a sexually coercive relationship with your OH.

The language you use about past experiences with him is very telling, not to mention upsetting. You keep describing him pressurising you to do certain things, and then you acquiescing, despite not enjoying the things you have done. This is sexual abuse. You use the classic abuse victim's self-denial tool - because your background of childhood abuse has (wrongly!) taught you that you don't really have proper rights in what happens to you sexually, and because your OH keeps putting on the pressure, you mentally and verbally reframe this sexual abuse, as you having some power and say in the matter - saying you did it to please him, or you didn't mind. Just as you coped as a child by telling yourself you were protecting your parents, you are deluding yourself that because you have not been forced kicking and screaming into acts with your OH, then things have been 100% consensual.

Most men, whose OHs have been abused as children, or raped, etc., err on the side of being cautious when it comes to sex with those partners. No matter what their own sex drive, or personal turn-ons, they always want to make sure that their partner is comfortable with what's happening, that it is fully consensual, that they are not doing anything that upsets them in any way.

Your Oh, on the other hand, knows you were sexually abused as a child, and pressurises you into sex acts that you don't really want to do, and which he knows you will eventually give in to if he presses. And they seem to be demeaning, depersonalising acts - sex toys, filming you, etc. (I have no personal issue with sex toys, I just know that some victims dislike them because of the derealisation that some suffer during abuse).

I have said before, and will repeat it, that I strongly believe that if you were to describe the minutiae of your whole relationship with him, then we, or more appropriately, a therapist, would be able to clearly see that he subtly abusive in other ways. You are probably in denial that he is sexually abusive outaide of this horrific betrayal, because of your assertions that he is nice and normal otherwise. However, I bet the person who abused you as a child appeared normal, even nice, didn't he? (Am presuming it was a man) Please think about that.

You say you don't think he was trying to hurt you - you are most like correct because he didn't think about you enough to even consider your feeling at all. He has used you like a commodity, like an item, like he is a pimp sharing his prostitute with whomever it benefits him to. Your feelings in this matter didn't even occur to him. This is a man who cannot understand that women are real, full human beings.

A man like this must have sickening beliefs about women. I would not have a man like this around my daughter. Not suggesting that he would ever be inappropriate with her, but that it is not good for a girl to grow up with a misogynist who treats her mother like shit, who has basically turned her mother into a porn star against her will or knowledge.

Finally, I do hope now that you will accept that this wasn't some spur of the moment act of stupidity where he genuinely thought you wouldn't mind or even like it - if he had thought that, he would have told you about it back in February, wouldn't he?! You must know that if you hadn't discovered what he was doing, that he'd continue to keep doing it. I bet what he would've filmed would've got more and more graphic and dubious.

Please stop minimisingnwhat he has done by saying he has been idiotic. Idiotic is putting out the xmas gifts with the rubbish. What he has done is a systematic, well-planned, ongoing form of appallingly abusive betrayal and debasement. It is the opposite of idiotic. It is chilling in its deviousness and misogyny.

Joysmum · 17/12/2013 15:56

Omg just caught up with this again.

My comment about it not being for me was based on a one off incident and not being identifyible. The fact that this was not a one off and his knowledge of your previous abuse would make it a divorce issue for me I'm afraid.

Of course, only you know how you feel and how best to proceed. I just wish you the strength you're going to need in the coming months, whatever you decide to do.

As for the term 'pushing boundaries', I hate that term. I have a great and varied sex life with my husband. We don't 'push' boundaries, we explore them together. Everything we do is based on honesty and the understanding of '2 ticks in the box'. Honesty means that we both feel able to raise new ideas and fantasies, honesty equally means being certain that the other won't feel the need to do things only to please the other and that's the 2 ticks in the box principle. Trust this strong is hard to achieve (I've had issues in my past too) and is so easily broken.

crazyafterall · 17/12/2013 15:59

Omg I missed he has been doing this for the best partb

crazyafterall · 17/12/2013 16:01

Omg I missed he has been doing this for the best part of a year Shock
Oh OP please just make plans to leave. He is abusive and a complete perv. That is just sick I could never stay with a man who did this and neither should you.

He should be fucking ashamed of himself.

MostWicked · 17/12/2013 16:07

For anybody thinking of doing some research on these sites, just logging onto some of them is fraught with the possibility of malware being loaded onto your computer.

It's very easy to protect yourself from malware, and you need malware protection regardless of what sites you're visiting.
I have never had any malware problems or keyloggers or viruses. Just being sensible and not downloading stuff or blocking ads so you don't click on them, will do a huge amount to protect you.

Only the OP knows if this is something they can get through, or if this spells the end of their relationship. I suspect it will take a lot of time, before they can even begin to address it properly though.

Faithless12 · 17/12/2013 16:16

MostWicked

Malware protection will not protect you from all Malware, there are constantly people creating Malware. As soon as an update is released for your protection it is out of date, plus it takes anywhere from 3 months from a piece of Malware being 'released' for protection to be released.

How do you know you don't have any Malware?

Norland · 17/12/2013 16:23

It is easy-ish to protect yourself from malware, if you have pop-up blockers, flash-blockers, image-blockers only read emails in plain text etc. However if you block flash and images, you can't view a lot of websites.

I'll say again; the sort of sites that host these videos, contain malware in the form of adware and spyware, that will be loaded onto the computers of the unsuspecting and unwary. As Faithless12 has said, there is always a delay in clearing such malware (Microsoft do a release once per week for IE)

OP should run a few anti-malware programmes, if nothing else, it'll speed her computer up.

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 17/12/2013 17:16

Just spoke to him when he came home. He said he honestly didn't think I would react like this. I was in tears screaming by this point and said I didn't want him anywhere near me.He made me feel physically sick and the only reason I'm in the house is that I have no money and nowhere to go. He looked completely in shock as though he couldn't believe him I had reacted.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/12/2013 17:17

Are you feeling ok now cannot?

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 17:19

I don't know if you're in the mood for questions, but if you are... as well as telling you that he couldn't believe your reaction, did he say anything about his behaviour? Any mention of remorse or means of working towards regaining your trust?

comingintomyown · 17/12/2013 17:22

OP listen I just want to say how sorry I am you are dealing with this I am old so have no experience of this kind of nightmare just try and keep strong and remember what you said you would say to your DD if she came to you with this in the future.

He really should not have done this

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/12/2013 17:24

Good for you! He needs a bloody shock. Now tell him he must sleep somewhere else tonight. Remember what I said in the PM, but do get him out tonight.

FlowersWine

CailinDana · 17/12/2013 17:25

My heart goes out to you. He has let you down so so badly and is continuing to do so by just not getting what he has done wrong. How are you doing cannot?

comingintomyown · 17/12/2013 17:28

If he didn't see it as a big deal he would either have asked first or said later the same day oh cannotfuckingbelievethis take a look at what I did earlier

All this time keeping schlump shows he knew what he was doing and feigning shock at your reaction now is the usual cheaters style minimising

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/12/2013 17:28

For ten months he has been fucking you over and he is surprised you are angry?

comingintomyown · 17/12/2013 17:28

Schtum

EQ2Junkie · 17/12/2013 17:32

Of course he knew how you would react and what a massive invasion of your privacy and sex life it was or he would have told you before what he was planning.

He full well, 100% knew you would object and then he would either have to do it knowing he was betraying you or go without the gratification he gets from it.

So he didn't tell you.

I don't think you have screamed enough to be honest.

/hugs

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 17/12/2013 17:32

Of course he didn't think you would react like this. Because you weren't supposed to find out. :(

MissScatterbrain · 17/12/2013 17:32

Either he is feigning shock at your reaction or he is so devoid of empathy and cannot comprehend your feelings. Not good either way Sad

I would ask for time and space to process this - I am worried that having him around will make you feel worse.

crazyafterall · 17/12/2013 17:36

Sad am so angry on your behalf.

Kandypane · 17/12/2013 17:36

Cannot
Just wanted to say I am truly sorry about what has happened to you
You will get through this and you will be a stronger person for it. Keep going.
X
Ps - your OH is an absolute shit. Words canny express how much of a shit.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/12/2013 17:43

I'm sorry he still doesn't see it, OP, but at least you are now (quite rightly) letting your anger and betrayal out. Hugs, stay strong!!