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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/12/2013 10:15

"you have to make the best decision you can for your family"

No, you have to make the best decision FOR YOU.

Don't let the MRAs convince you that you need to take what is best for this abusive wanker into consideration.

Your priority here is to protect your own wellbeing.

Your children deserve nothing less.

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 10:16

you have to make the best decision you can for your family

And that includes having safe and happy parents and good role models for future, adult relationships.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 17/12/2013 10:16

Your children deserve nothing less - this is what I mean by your family#

"MRA" - Get fucked.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 17/12/2013 10:17

OP-never mind what anyone else thinks. Do you think he is a good man who just made a mistake?

Because if that is the case, the hardliners (and I include myself in that) should just leave you to it, and then all the minimisers and apologisers that I know are waiting in the wings to help you brush this under the carpet can move in and you can have this all resolved very quickly just in time for a happy xmas all round.

batfuttocks · 17/12/2013 10:18

Agree with the poster below who says its your life not a soap opera: take your time, do what feels right for you.

Join - you can shout at me all you like, I know what I was trying to say and it was not unreasonable. Life is full of grey areas, to me one mistake (if isolated) can be forgiveable, depending on motive. To you, obviously not. That's fine.

Anyway, it turns out the motive looks very dodgy and the mistake doesn't look isolated.

MissScatterbrain · 17/12/2013 10:58

Sad how dreadful to discover that you are just a piece of meat for your H to use for his own sexual gratification.

Your background explains so much and I am really sorry that you are being sexually abused yet again.

He really does not give a shiny shit about your feelings Sad

TheHammaconda · 17/12/2013 12:31

Do try to speak to your aunt. I know it's embarrassing but I really think it will help to speak to someone.

Be kind to yourself, you've done nothing wrong. You've got some good advice (Burgundian aside), if you do decide to end the relationship make sure you're in the best possible position and condition to do so.

Another thought, although you may not want to involve the police might they be able to advise you how to have the videos and images removed from the web?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 17/12/2013 12:48

TheHammaconda - I've had some other suggestions earlier in the thread about contacting some of the sites directly and contacting google too so I think I'll go down that road.

He (very conveniently for me) left his phone today before he went to work so I've gone through that and checked for any pics or videos. Nothing there that I can find. He's promised me that there are "only" the 5 or 6 videos that I found online. Some of them date back to February of this year. All this fucking time he's been playing me like a fool.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/12/2013 12:49

Since February? Sad

batfuttocks · 17/12/2013 12:59

this has happened five or six times without your knowledge or consent? I don't know how I missed that.

Certainly little doubt about motive in that case. So sorry op, not sure this can be cast in many other light really.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 17/12/2013 13:07

Yep, 5 or 6 videos. The earliest one was uploaded in February. I only saw that this morning. When I first discovered them on Saturday (think it was, the days are all blurring into one another) I only clocked the title of the videos and then later, how many times a couple of them had been viewed. I looked again this morning and from what I can see the first one was put on the site in February, right through until September.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 17/12/2013 13:08

How convenient that he is only admitting to what you already know i.e that there are only 5 or 6 videos online and that these are the ones you have found.

How will you want to have sex with him again? Urgh.

Your story has convinced me even more that there is no such thing as "ethical" porn - you just don't know if the participants have given full and valid consent Sad

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/12/2013 13:08

So some of these videos have been online for the best part of a year?

But he was planning to tell you because he thought you'd like it?

Xmas Hmm pull the other one, it's got jingle bells on it.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 17/12/2013 13:09

I don't want to have sex with ever again. Right now I just want to nail him to the fucking door.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/12/2013 13:11

So you know that at least the last four videos were taken with the intent to put them online at the forefront of his mind.

There is not even a possibility that putting them online only occurred to him later.

When he was "persuading" you to do something you didn't want to do, he KNEW he was going to publish it.

Norland · 17/12/2013 13:13

For anybody thinking of doing some research on these sites, just logging onto some of them is fraught with the possibility of malware being loaded onto your computer.

There is also a risk of keyloggers if you have more than one browsing tab open; i.e. you're chatting away on Mumsnet and have a javascript running on another tab - the porn site - that is busy collecting information as you type, by taking advantage of flaws in your web browser.

I would strongly advise against anybody visiting any such sites at all, even though human nature leads us to investigate.

OP, have you run some anti-malware programmes to remove all the spyware and adware that such sites load onto your computer, every time you visit?

piratecat · 17/12/2013 13:23

JoinYourPLayFellows post is very poignant.

Sad

You were unknowingly doing things for 'him' but all this year you were online.

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 13:34

Right now I just want to nail him to the fucking door

I'm worried that you are feeling such strong emotions, yet acting very calm towards him. I say that, not because I want you to be angry with him, but because I think it might effect your health to have such a conflict going on. I really think you need a confidante in real life who knows you, can see your body language and give you a hug.

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 13:34

Which I guess rules out going to a professional, but you know what I mean.

Liberton · 17/12/2013 13:52

I would leave....like...NOW! Who does he think he is?? And you have kids....Who knows who has access to the videos now? I can't believe it...

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/12/2013 14:20

Well that information blows the 'moment of madness' theory out the water.

I'm sorry OP. I find this shocking to hear across the internet. I can't imagine how shocked you must be.

maleview70 · 17/12/2013 14:29

I know you will want to do everything to remove them but I think you will find this almost impossible. There are just too many sites nowadays.

There are still clips online of celebrities who have also been stung with this and they will have the best legal teams that there are working for them on this.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/12/2013 14:31

OP - I have sent you a PM.

Flowers
HaleyDunphy · 17/12/2013 14:38

Since Feb? More than one video?

Show him all the respect he has shown you and tell him to fuck off without a second glance.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, and that it's this time of year where everything is supposed to be all "happy" and "family", but no one deserves to be treated like that. Easier said than done, as are most things, but do you really want to grow old with a man who exploited you like this?

Wishing you all the best whatever you do.

ziggiestardust · 17/12/2013 14:47

OP I'm so sorry Sad

Just been catching up on this thread.

Get back in control, get yourself a plan. Stay, or go. This thread will support you.