My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

this is a most serious betrayal of trust, i know how you are carrying on tbh xxxx i hope you can make him see the seriousness

Lweji: if that's the case then I guess that's the answer to my question.

Vivacia: I don't disagree with you. For me this would be the end. But there's this culture (wrongly IMO) since sodding fifty shades etc that secretly, some women might like control and pushing of boundaries. I just wondered if there was any way the ops husband put it in that category in his mind. Still doesnt change the outcome but its that whole does one question of motive again.

But if she had already made it clear that she was not going to be ok with this, then I'm in the LTB camp I'm afraid.

batfuttocks - Thanks for trying to put a different slant on things. I've honestly appreciated every single comment on this thread (with the exception of Burgundia and NigellaLaw5on !)

I'm finding myself thinking back over our whole sex life. He's never been physically abusive or actually forced me to do anything but he would harp on about things sometimes. "you look great in that under wear, I'd love to film you.." type of stuff. He was always going on about using sex toys, which I never particularly enjoyed but I would use on the odd occasion as it really seemed to turn him on.

What sticks in my mind is the first sentence he uttered when I confronted him about this. I asked why he did it, he said "because I like the thought of other men watching you and getting turned on." So no fucking regard whatsoever for what I thought.

I've spoke earlier in this thread about realising how much of a people pleaser I've been, always going along with things for an easy life. I was sexually abused as a child and one of the main reasons I initially didn't tell my parents (and even when I did I didn't tell them the full extent of how it had affected me, for example contemplating suicide at 10yrs old) was because I was worried about how it would affect them. I didn't want to rock the boat or for them to get upset.

This is a habit which I need to stop.

I've been with my husband for 22 years. If he did this to me he'd be out on his ear, and I'd be wondering how I hadn't noticed before that I was married to a creepy weirdo abusive bastard.

That sounds close to victim blaming glasto.

glastocat - I have wondered that too. Let's hope you never find yourself in my position.

"You are best placed to judge whether this was the (massive, horrific) mistake of a man trying to keep spice in your sex life, pushing your boundaries in a way he thought was ok"

Pushing people's boundaries around sexual consent is NEVER OK.

The only kind of person who could imagine there was anything remotely OK about this is the kind of person who thinks that consent is just a woman who isn't screaming "no!".

i.e. most rapists, most sexual abusers

How on earth does putting videos of someone online without their knowledge and against their expressed wishes "spice up your sex life"?

Answer - it doesn't. It couldn't.

The only sex life being spiced up here was that of the abusive man with and his own dick.

And you have to be pretty desperately looking for a way to excuse a sexually abusive man to suggest that this thing is even on the spectrum of normal, healthy sexual interaction.

cannot - I'm very sorry (and not at all surprised) to hear that you have a history of childhood sexual abuse.

That does, unfortunately, probably answer some of the questions about why you haven't noticed until now that you are in a sexually coercive relationship as an adult.

If H knew about your earlier experience it defies belief he'd risk your equilibrium by pulling a stunt like this.

Because of trust issues I mean.

Yes he knew.

Indeed, donkey.

Join- I'm not a rape apologist. His motive being pushing boundaries wouldn't suddenly make this situation alright: but it would (in my head, anyhow) be a slightly different and possibly more resolvable situation than if it was about him not giving a shot about her feelings and posting it for his own gratification (which it appears to be). Especially now op has revealed her past history, which I assume dh was also aware of.

Shit, not shot.

I really wonder about the concept of a womans body, in men like this. Does the body have an "owner", or is it there for everybody to take pleasure in, when they want to?
What do they really think of women?

It is beyond belief that you can not just objectify your partner this way, but encourage others to do so too.

What does he say now?

We didn't speak about it this morning. The kids were up and I was getting them ready for school and nursery. I've been using the time (whilst we've not really been talking) to try and get my head straight so that I can speak to him without getting upset.

I don't actually think he meant to hurt me though. He's been a thoughtless prick and totally lost my trust. He obviously can't have a great deal of respect for me either.

"His motive being pushing boundaries wouldn't suddenly make this situation alright: but it would (in my head, anyhow) be a slightly different and possibly more resolvable situation than if it was about him not giving a shot about her feelings and posting it for his own gratification"

To me you are just inventing two scenarios when there is, in reality, only one: that he did this because he wanted to and felt he could get away with it.

Wanting to "push boundaries" in regards to someone else's consent implies that you don't give a shit about their feelings.

Because if you care about someone's feelings then you don't want to push their boundaries. It's almost the very definition of caring about someone's feelings that you respect their boundaries.

The reason a person tries to "push" another person's "boundaries" around consent IS for their own gratification. There is no other reason.

You don't try to coerce somebody into sex they don't want for THEIR OWN GOOD. Do you?

You might claim that's what you are doing. But it would be a disingenuous lie.

Which is why it's so troubling that you are at least the third person to try to cast this as an "error of judgement" made by a nice man with the best of intentions.

It gets worse and worse.

That your husband knew that you were abused as a child and he knowingly repeated the same dynamic. It beggars belief. I am revolted by this man.

After reading your last post I am even more amazed that (assuming he knows your history) your husband could even contemplate this. It's a truly awful betrayal. As you say it takes away your choice and to my mind it is another form of sexual abuse.

I really feel for you. I think I would be feeling the same way as you (although you sound a lot more calm than I think I would be feeling). Calm is good if it means you are able to think this through rationally and decide what it would take to get your trust back or whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

My advice would be to do what is best for you. Find your inner rage and let him see it. This is not about how he feels, or even the effect it has on the family, this is about you. It is about how you have a right to be treated with utmost respect and kindness especially by those who you trust the most.

What would you be advising your daughter or sister (if you have one) to do in this situation? Personally, it would be a deal-breaker.

Good luck with what you decide to do.

If you read what I said, I was not trying to cast this as an error of a good person.

I was saying that op needs to make that call regarding motive, knowing what she does about him as a person based on many situations over the years: not a bunch of strangers on the internet, each with their own agenda.

I stated my view: it wouldn't be ok for me, in my relationship. I've also gone back and seen i missed a couple of vital bits of information, and have since stated that I would agree its unforgivable given the picture being painted here.

i think the way he reacts to what is going to be a long process of coming to terms with what has happened, will be very telling. it is clear that you will take a very long time to trust him again, you are unlikely to sleep with him for a long time, you will probably never agree to photos, porn, videos, or unusual sex ever again.

This is going to fundamentally change your relationship and he may not accept that. If he cannot accept it, it will be clear to you that your sexual relationship was a driving force for him. That he really did see you as a sexual object for his own gratification and that of others.

However if he is totally accepting of all of your needs when it comes to getting over this, he may redeem himself.

However, i think that before too long he will be asking when you can have sex again and how you need to just get over it.

Cannot - hang in there. Its good to see that you're taking your time with this, rather than jumping to what would be the conclusion that many on here are pushing you to take.

As one PP said before, this isn't a soap opera where the spur-of-the-moment, dramatic decisions are the most important. You are the most important one here and you have to make the best decision you can for your family. This is in no way your fault.

Keep strong.

I am absolutely not victim blaming at all absolutely none of this is the OPs fault in any way. It's entirely the fault of her creepy weirdo abusive husband, because that, IMO, is exactly what he is.

"I was saying that op needs to make that call regarding motive"

And I am saying that asking a person who has been sexually abused to make a call about the motives of her abuser shows a pretty fucked up attitude to a woman's right to consensual sex.

His "motives" are irrelevant.

His ACTIONS are what matter here.

There is no "motive" that justifies this or makes it any less horrific.

I don't think he meant to hurt you either. He just didn't give a fuck about your feelings. His only concern was his own gratification.
This is no partner. Let alone a loving one.

frumpypigskin - I thought about my daughter earlier, she's only 3 now.

If this was her in another 37 yrs time I'd be telling her to get the fuck out. So if it's good enough for my daughter it should be good enough for me too.