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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/12/2013 20:54

Cracker is fiction...

MatryoshkaDoll · 16/12/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 16/12/2013 21:07

His "joke" really shows how terrible his attitude towards his partner, someone he is supposed to love, is. "Oh so you're a little bit mad that I just violated your trust in a horrible way and shared a private sex video of you with thousands of men - so you're not going to service me sexually now then?"
I'm so sorry OP. This is seriously wrong.

TheHammaconda · 16/12/2013 21:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel. I hope there's someone you can talk to about this. Would you consider going for counselling?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 21:26

TheHammaconda - I have an aunt that I'm pretty close to who I could perhaps confide in. I don't want anyone judging me though. And it's not because I'm trying to protect him before anyone suggests that.

He's running around like a headless chicken just now trying to get his Uni work handed in on time. I'll wait until that's out the way then sit him down and explain exactly how this made me feel and how he has ruined everything we've had over the last 18yrs.

I've came to the conclusion that he's as thick as shit on a stick. He honestly doesn't think it's that big a deal because my face couldn't be seen.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 16/12/2013 21:31

That's one mercy.

Twinklestein · 16/12/2013 21:35

I know. And what is ok in a fictional exchange, amusing even, transferred to real life is just vile.

Cracker's wife was having a go about his drinking, in the context of sexual exploitation of your own wife, making a crack about a blow job is just disgusting.

Twinklestein · 16/12/2013 21:39

Just refreshed to see your latest post OP.

I don't see why anyone would judge you OP , if you were a friend of mine it wouldn't cross my mind, I would just be horrified for you.

If you trust your aunt, then go for it.

I can't really quite believe that he still doesn't get it.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 16/12/2013 21:47

OP, have you thought why your face isn't on there? Maybe he always had the intention of putting it online from the start? If the movie was for himself, then why go to the trouble of making sure your face isn't on display?

What a fucking awful situation he has put you in Sad

AnnieLobeseder · 16/12/2013 22:01

This evening I was going to post some family news on Facebook, but realised that DH probably wouldn't want everyone knowing, and though it's not a big deal to me, out of respect to him I didn't post it.

And that's just a minor bit of news on Facebook, not a porn video!

He has no respect for you.

You seem to be staying remarkably-clear headed, even though you've had the shock of your life. I hope you find your peace again eventually.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 22:14

I am with Annie. My dh is not on Facebook because he does not want to be on Fb. I therefore dont put pictures up that includes him, unless asking his permission first. I never tag him, or make a point that it is him. My friends and family will know anyway. But I dont name him.

I respect his privacy. And that is on FB, which for me has very high privacy settings.

If people were to google his name though, they would find pictures of him, but that is of him in professional capacity, and that is different. All in suited and business like.

deemented · 16/12/2013 22:20

How are you doing this evening, OP?

Can I ask, not that it matters, but how did you find out that he'd done this? What alerted you? Thinking more on it, I'd be really worried that he'd filmed me before without me knowing, and hadn't bothered hiding my face.

I wish you strength to get through these next few weeks x

Meita · 16/12/2013 23:13

Just to say, a few people have (rhetorically) asked, how much abuse is needed after x years of relationship to justify LTB. There has been a bit of an argument regarding if what happened is bad enough, excluding assumptions, for OP to leave after 18 years.
I agree with the sentiment; just because of a long relationship history, doesn't make abuse more ok or less abusive.

However, I would state against this, that NO abuse is needed, as in, no justification is needed to leave a relationship. Staying in a relationship is a CHOICE. You can CHOOSE to leave, or stay, no matter if there has been any abuse, or how much of it. Provided the other half of the relationship agrees to keep the relationship going, it is your choice.
In contrast, the question 'how much abuse justifies leaving after x years of relationship?' implies that some kind of justification is needed, as if you couldn't choose to leave someone without a good-enough reason. And it might lead to thinking that once certain things have happened, you must leave, cannot choose to stay. I am quite sure this was no-one's intention, but I was simply worrying that a tone was being set up where it is no longer OP's choice.

OP, I am very sorry that your 'partner' has done this to you. And to your children.
You can obviously choose to LTB over this. But you don't have to. Just saying. I probably would, but I'm me and you are you and only you know if that is what you want, or if you do want to stay in this relationship, if that is even possible (maybe the relationship you want to stay in, turns out never to have been real in the first place).

BeCool · 17/12/2013 00:10

Did he edit out your face before uploading it? Or was your face never filmed originally?

Do you think he always had visions of uploading it (ESP if he filmed it without your face IYKWIM)?

Joysmum · 17/12/2013 00:22

The fact you're not identifiable makes it less of an issue if it were me but it's broken trust nonetheless. If my face had been in then I'd have kicked him out, not being identifiable wouldnt prompt me to end the marriage but would mean I couldn't trust him to put my interests first and that would require a lot of working through.

meeeemo · 17/12/2013 00:42

I

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 17/12/2013 06:26

My face was never filmed in the first place. I always said to him I didn't want my face in it ( I had no inclination whatsoever that he was going to do this). Maybe that just highlights how I was never really in to it in the first place.

deeemented - I was on his computer reading an essay that he'd asked me to look at. We've watched porn in the past ("normal" consenting adults stuff) and it's never been a big deal to me if he's watched it. I looked at his history thinking I'd tease him if he'd been looking at that instead of working on his essay but unfortunately I found the links the websites where the videos of me are.

People are saying that I'm staying very calm and keeping it together but I think I'm still in shock. I feel as thought I'm wandering around on auto-pilot.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/12/2013 07:44

That's a normal reaction.

Do you think you'd need space from him to figure it out?
Could you go somewhere for a few days over Christmas?

Or at least leave him with the children for a day, so that you can concentrate and think about it all?

qazxc · 17/12/2013 08:31

OP If as you say you are still in shock (which is quite understandable), maybe you should take a minute and sit down to write down what you feel/what you expect from him.
It might seem rather strange but it will help organise your thoughts and you can refer to it if you get flustrered.
Also if you have an idiot sheet for him written down (ie I want you to delete ALL pictures and videos of me you have; You are not to take any more photos or videos, what happens between us stays between us, etc...) he cannot claim that he didn't know you would have a problem with it.
If you feel you can talk to someone please do, you are not to blame, he betrayed your trust.

batfuttocks · 17/12/2013 09:04

I've been following this thread for a while op. You're getting some excellent advice but it does largely seem to be of the LTB variety: obviously this could well be the right thing to do.

It strikes me, though, that you're the only one who actually knows the man in question. Or at least, knows what he's been like as a husband and a father for the last however many years. You are best placed to judge whether this was the (massive, horrific) mistake of a man trying to keep spice in your sex life, pushing your boundaries in a way he thought was ok, or the actions of a controlling dominant man who couldn't care less about your feelings. For me, it's about his motive not just his mistake.

I really think there are two ways to see this: enormous, ill judged mistake by someone who simply made a spur of the moment decision without thought for consequences, or some sort of pre planned, controlling and abhorrent decision to use you for his own gratification. If its the latter, you should leave. But if its the former, then there may still be some hope, albeit with a hell of a lot of counselling and contrition.

So sorry you're having to deal with this.

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 09:10

pushing your boundaries in a way he thought was ok

Has anyone got any examples of their partner doing this? Genuine question.

batfuttocks · 17/12/2013 09:14

Not me: but I don't have a particularly exotic sex life! In aware some other couples do though, and my point was more that the op is best placed to judge whether this is something he could reasonably have felt might be ok, or not. For me, in my marriage, it would absolutely not be. But the fact that readers wives and the like have existed for years must surely mean at least some of these women were consenting.

Could he have thought, in any reasonable way, that you would have been ok with this? It's all about that in my mind. If not, then its a massive violation.

Lweji · 17/12/2013 09:15

whether this was the (massive, horrific) mistake of a man trying to keep spice in your sex life, pushing your boundaries in a way he thought was ok

Quite frankly, if that had been the case, he'd have shared it with the OP and would get her consent.

He hid it and was quite surprised she found out. He posted for his own gratification, possibly in seeing other men's reactions. It wasn't one video, but a few, probably not the one time.
I think you have your answer there.

Unfortunately, sometimes, the people inside the relationship are not the best judges of it, as they are too involved.
For example, there are things that happened in my marriage that, with the benefit of the distance, I ask why I put up with them and I went along with them.

Lweji · 17/12/2013 09:16

Bat, RTFT. The OP had clearly told him what she thought about posting videos online.

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 09:17

Ah, so in terms of sexual activity bat?

But that makes me think, this wasn't about pushing her sexual boundaries (and I hate the premise of that, but anyway, for the sake of argument I'll accept it). It was about a breach of trust and a violation. It was about his power and control not her sexual boundaries.