My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

Of course you dont want to go to the police as you want to maintain the pretence that he is a loving dp and father so that you can justify yourself forgiving him and allowing him to get away with this.

And Burgundian out of a thread of over 500 posts, yours is the only one which has made me think "get to fuck". I'd be as well getting the razor blades out right now if that's how fucking bleak my future was going to be.

OP you are taking all this criticism of your prick of a husband very well indeed. It says a lot more about you than you know x

It won't be that bleak cannotfuckingbelievethis. I have never regretted splitting up. There have been things that aren't easy but being with an entitled man was much harder. Put the razors away. You won't need them! You will be fine.

I think my x tried to lure me back wiht a dandleliion and a chomp as well or petrol stations flowers and a box of sweets from aldi.

WTF

I love my husband and have been with him for 25 years. If he did this. .. he could fuck right off.

I would probably forgive an affair (because I am soft) but this is the ultimate betrayal.

Don't let him take ANY electronic equipment with him when a leaves, and then wipe every hard drive you can find.

Ladyglamalot - I do not have to do anything that I do not want to and I won't be goaded into saying "yes I will go to the police" when I don't want to. I know you mean well but that's not helpful.

The person that I have just spent almost half of my life with has just let me down in the most horrible way, so excuse me if I need time to gather my thoughts.

MerryFuckingChristmas - what can I say to defend him though (if I wanted to ?) He has been a fantastic father for the last 5 yrs, I can't take that away from him. I don't know what happens from here though.

I can't see how anyone could move on from knowing that you thought you were having one sexual experience (sex with your partner which you'd filmed for personal enjoyment) to another (you're a porn star).

Quite apart from the additional betrayal of posting the footage online and then belittling you when you told him you'd found out what he'd done.

It's such a horrible, horrible violation of everything that should be fundamental to a relationship.

If I were you, I'd be thinking of ways to manage the fall out if I simply weren't able to keep up a front until Xmas day. It's another ten days which may just feel like it's too long to put on the back burner emotionally.

I'm so very sorry. What a shitty, shitty thing to do :(

No he is not a fantastic father-a fantastic father would not do this to the mother of their child and they certainly would not laugh and ask for a bj when confronted with their horrible betrayal. But I do understand why you want to try and trivialise his behaviour.

Oh give over, Lady, do you honestly think you're being helpful? I loathe this about MN - when random posters start demanding immediate action of OPs and if they don't jump to the MN-prescribed timescale there's something wrong with them.

OP's not minimising anything. Her world has just collapsed, give the women a bloody break ffs.

OP, fwiw that post of Burgundian's was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN. If you did decide to leave the relationship, I can categorically promise that life would not be like that!

That counts as sexual abuse in a way. As in, you were violated sexually by having this video put out there without your knowledge or consent. Sorry this has happened to you

He thought it was fine. You weren't supposed to find out really after all. And now it's just damage limitation. The police can see if it's on other sites etc and have a word with him (if you don't want to prosecute) as I doubt he realizes how wrong it was.

(not meaning to sound too soft there. Any man that did that to me would make me sick to my stomach from that day forward. A man that can sexually objectify you and betray you like that isn't a man you can trust with anything, no matter how long you've been together. Nothing will make up for what he's done when it comes down to it. Hope you're ok).

What is he saying to you about it now, op?

I think the police thing is actually dead end anyway.

Afaik, the website is not responsible for the content of the site unless it's child porn. It wouldn't come under cyberstalking or harassment because, aside for the film, there is none. So all you're left with is a civil case for damages, which I'm sure the OP wouldn't want to pursue.

Although what he has done should be illegal, in the unregulated void of the internet it doesn't seem to be.

Burgundian is obviously a lonely misogynist troll, his posts on this thread seems to be his only contribution to Mumsnet.

I have read the whole thread Cannot and wouldn't be able to say anything better than some of the advice you've had here from many women whose words come from horrific experience.

All I can add is that, if you do want to speak to someone in real life then I am sure there are plenty of us who have links/contacts with support groups and who would willingly give you that information without asking for any personal details of yours at all.

Having those details separately may be useful if you later ask for the thread to be deleted (if Burgundian and the likes infest it ).

Oh cannot I wish I knew you in real life, I'd give you the biggest hug.

I do hope your holding up well.

"any chance of a blowjob then ?"

I hope you leave this creep of a man who only sees you as not only serving you sexually but sharing it with the whole world.

So sorry you have to deal with this but you can do it. That is coming from a SP whose husband left when DS was 6 months. He is now 22 and we are both thriving!

Cannot please please don't take Burgundian's hugely unhelpful portrayal of your future to heart. Yes it might feel like that for a while, but with time and help (I think counselling would be a good idea), you will trust and find happiness again with someone else. I know people who have come back from terrible abuse/betrayal and have still managed to have happy, fulfilling lives and relationships with other men. It won't be easy, it will take time, you will change as a result of your horrible experience, but you will get there.

I can't imagine what Burgundian was trying to achieve there, and like others I wondered if it was Cannot's partner attempting to scare her into forgetting all about it.

You're posting with considerable dignity OP.

Ignore anyone who is pushing you to step up the pace to provide more of a soap opera character to the thread.

I'm not really interested in trying to defend the OP's husband here, BUT I think the BJ "joke" was an attempt at black humour, not a serious request. There's a scene in Cracker (with Robbie Coltrane) where his wife is beyond furious with him (he's an alcoholic and he'd been on a binge) and he knows he's in deep shit. He makes the same crack, "I suppose a bj is out of the question then?"

"I don't know that it wasn't abuse from a controlling man"

Who gives a fuck whether he's a "controlling man"?

You don't have to be a "controlling man" to be abusive.

You seem to be imagining that there are some bad, controlling, Sleeping with the Enemy monsters, and that all other "non-controlling" men are wonderful guys who have to be excused for abusive behaviour.

The fact is that the act we are talking about, that you are minimising as a "mistake" and an "error in judgement" IS ABUSIVE.

If he hit her, that could just as easily be called "a mistake" or an "error of judgement" and people like you would say things like "don't throw away 18 years for one mistake".

If he raped her while she slept, that could easily be called "a mistake" or an "error of judgement" and people like you would be saying it wasn't "enough for LTB".

He has violated her sexually. If you do that to someone, you are AN ABUSER. The act of violation is abusive in the extreme.

That's what makes him an abusive man - that he has done an abusive thing deliberately.

Stop trying to minimise and say that a woman needs to put up with abuse because of the length of time she's been with her abuser.

There's a scene in Cracker (with Robbie Coltrane) where his wife is beyond furious with him (he's an alcoholic and he'd been on a binge) and he knows he's in deep shit. He makes the same crack, "I suppose a bj is out of the question then?"

Yeah, and in Cracker Robbie Coltrane treats his wife like shite.

Anyone who uses that kind of joke after what he has just done is a sick, sick fucker.

The fact that the film you made didn't have your face in the first place also makes me sad.
I just can't get over how sneaky it is to put it online without consent....it would make me wonder what else he's capable of doing on the sly.

I'm sorry such a horrible thing has happened to you.