My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

I know you're torturing yourself about how many people are seeing this footage, but might that partly be because it's relatively recent? There is so much of this stuff around that surely soon it's going to be pushed down the "active" list and then it will blur into the distant past?
(Not trying to minimise what your oh has done here, by the way - just trying to make you perhaps feel a tiny bit less awful about people viewing it)

But 18 years and kids is a long time to throw away

For the umpteenth time, it's not OP who has disregarded all of this. If it had been 25 years, what further betrayals should she be expected to work through?

Cailin. What he did was wrong. Fact. There is absolutely no denying that. It was disrepectful nasty and plenty of other adjectives used in previous posts - most of which I agree with. I don't know that it wasn't abuse from a controlling man, if I did I would be chorusing LTB with the choir.

It could have been an error in judgement, I cannot give any mitigation, because a) I don't know the guy's mind and b) anything I put will be copied pasted and espoused as my opinion.

Suffice to say, the only person who knows the guy well enough to decide whether he is an abuser or a fuck up is the OP.

Also, and not directed at you Cailin, I dont find the comparisons with rape and physical abuse useful at all. I don't think this is in the same league (although this is in a pretty high league).

Norland - I'm not remotely technically minded, but when I put in the title of one of the videos the search results include the website which DH originally uploaded them too and loads more. If I then click on Google Images it has stills from the videos. Fucking gut churning.

I can understand the comparisons with rape and other physical assault. I can understand some posters' reservations about this. Either way, I don't think it's worth getting in to ranking and leagues.

Vivacia, that was the first way that came into my mind to express my opinion. I totally agree that ranking different types of abuse is a bit .

Albert you weren't the first to hint towards competitive misery, hence my feeling the need to say something along the lines of "let's not".

Albert - even if this is an 'error of judgement' it is a pretty fucking huge one, one that has the potential to ruin the OP's life. Certainly to end their relationship.

And YOU say this is not in the same league as rape or sexual abuse. Let me tell you this: I have been raped. I have scarring from it, which might give an insight into the brutality. If I had to choose that attack again or having films of me having sex (even with my face not visible) posted all over the internet for, well, anyone in the world theoretically, to look at, to wank over, to possibly use as fuel for dubious or criminal sexual behaviour, films that will be available forever, films that there is a possibility that my own relatives might see one day and get aroused by, then I would thank you for the chance to choose the rape over that scenario. I would be crying with fucking gratitude to 'just' be raped compared to that. It is a violation of so much more than a body. In terms of repercussions, it could actually be miles worse than many sexual assaults.

I am sorry to put this so baldly and dramatically, OP, but what I write is true. It is so monumnetal, what he has done to you. I believe, as do other posters, that he has totally deluded you as to how long he has been doing this, how the vids are on so many sites, and to what, exactly, is in all the videos he has shared this way. I bet he is the one who has put them on numerous sites, and you need to discover if he has shared other stuff that might have your face or identity accessible in them. I really do believe this is a criminal matter.

As for Christmas, I can't think of a worse experience for children than for their mother to have to play happy families with a man who has done this to them. Using children as an excuse not to leave abusers and scumbags places an unfair burden on them, and they are always adversely affected by the inevitable undercurrents in a home where the mother is misguidedly covering up for shit.

Anybags - I can't say that I've experienced either, so that was just my perception. As I said previously, after Vivacia pointed it out, it was probably an error on my part to compare them.

Does it matter if he's abusive or controlling? He behaved in an appalling way then laughed about it and asked for a blowjob. That doesn't sound like someone who remotely understands the seriousness of what he's done. Do you get how serious it is Albert?

Do you get how serious it is Albert? - Yes, and even more so in light of Anybags' post.

I think the laughing and asking for a blowjob is a classic reaction when being confronted and realising that something you've done has caused so much pain. Its a reaction of instinct and humour to diffuse the situation. I don't think this is a suitable or "correct" reaction, but its a reaction I've seen from many people when confronted with something that they weren't expecting. It doesnt necessarily mean they think its funny, but it is an immediate attempt to placate the accuser. I think his reactions after the initial confrontation and the way he accepts consequeces will have more bearing on his actual feelings and how serious the consequences his actions are.

Unfortunately saying "someone still not talking to me" the next day doesn't suggest an entirely repentant soul.

You can request Google remove the threads from it's cache, somebody has written a
How To

Same for other search engines. I'd imagine you'll struggle to get the videos removed from porn sites. Here's a blog on it

Biggest issue is a lot of these sites will contain terms & conditions that state the webmaster is not responsible for the content uploaded and is merely providing a hosting service. As free porn site make money from adverts (and loading up your computer with piles of spyware/adware when you visit said site) then it's a bit turkeys for xmas, asking the webmaster to take down content that is making him/her money.

Op. I'm so sorry that your oh has done this to you.

I have tried to sit here and imagine it was me, to get a little comprehension, and I imagine myself veering violently between being heart sick/physically sick and going absolutely bat shit crazy.

It's probably the lowest blow, I have ever read on here.

I don't know how you can bear to have him near you. Even my look would be venomous.

This guy needs a serious dose of reality check.

I do hope for your sake that you find the strength and the will to give it to him.

All the best.

"when I put in the title of one of the videos the search results include the website which DH originally uploaded them too and loads more. "

It may be a small consolation then that you need to know the exact titles to find them. Can you check if they have any captions that makes it easier to find them when searching for keywords?

such as "wife doing x to her husband"

It's not just the videos now; I know of someone who was dismissed because a client had seen a video she had done 20 years earlier that was now online and obviously on all those free porn sites.

CailinDana+1 the 18 years doesn't make it ok.

As for madasox, if I'm such a poor communicator I wonder why you were the one thought she was getting a hard time up thread! (and not from me)

I wasn't the only one to challenge your posts, so I think if anybody expressed what they meant unsuccessfully it wasn't me.

I'm not the only one to have suggested that what the OP's partner did was not something that can be overlooked, so stop communicating with me now. Nowhere did I "bully" her, so don't throw put words in my mouth.

OP I hope the title is not something obvious. I'm guessing it's not. Just a combination of words that few people are going to search for.

You may find this article useful, about other women who have been in a similar position. Good luck.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25321301

What the bloody hell is Burgundian on about? Prophet of doom who is saying "better the devil you know"? The problem is, whether you know him or not, a devil is a devil.

Revenge porn is generally posted by an ex. It's enough of a betrayal to do that to an ex, but to do that to someone you're married to is mind-blowing!

I agree with Anyfuckers that this is most definitely a police matter as l said up thread. As for this 'causing more embarrassment' l am lucky enough to be naïve from lack of experience but l am sure (and women who have been victims of any kind of sexual abuse will be able to confirm or dispute this) they have highly trained officers to deal sensitively, discreetly and in a non judgemental way with victims like yourself. I really cant imagine that in this day and age (and again call me naïve!) your video/images will end up being passed round all the Bobbies in the canteen or whatever.

I don't want to go to the police. It's enough for me to deal with just trying to get my head around what he's done and what my next move it without involving them.

Today is the first day that I've actually cried about it. He came home with a box of chocolates for me. That actually made me laugh. As if a box of fucking Lindt D'or is going to make it all better.