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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:53

anyway as I don't want to derail the thread any more when it is not about me, it is about the OP; and as I actually have to go and do the school run shortly, I shall leave you to force the poor woman into a decision.

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:54

For fuck's sake. I didn't tell her to think about not leaving at ANY POINT. You obviously struggle with comprehension.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 13:55

"It depends on whether this is systematic and prolonged abuse"

No.

It doesn't.

You only need to violate your sexual partner's lack of consent ONCE.

Do men really think they get a few chances at sexual abuse before it's bad enough to be thrown out?

Um... no.

Guess what, no woman has to put up with a man violating her sexually.

And guess what else?

Deliberately ignoring somebody else's sexual boundaries and violating their person isn't "a mahooosive fuck-up" (with funny misspellings to show how it's quite amusing really.)

This was not a "mistake", it was not a "misjudgement", it was an act of sexual abuse carried out deliberately by a man who thought he could get away with it.

The only sense in which he "fucked up" was that he was wrong about the lack of consequences for him in doing this.

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:56

Seriously Mumpire where did I tell her to think about not leaving. WHERE?

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:57

ps, what you say is absolute nonsense because you have disagreed with me as I have disagreed with you. So what a lot of shite you spout.

I have been in an abusive relationship. I did not leave my x immediately. I know that it does no good to be told to minimise the behaviour which is what you have done. I'm not 'bullying' the OP. I'm telling her that her self-esteem will recover if she leaves. She has said herself that she won't brush it under the carpet and I'm merely reinforcing her decision with the reassurances that next Christmas will be 'disney' that her self-esteem will get through it if she draws a line.

you are a very, very, very misguided individual to come on to this thread and accuse others of telling the OP what to do. Hmm Confused Here's a grip.

That is the first time I've ever had to say that to somebody, but seriously...

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:57

Go on find it, because I DIDN'T.

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 14:01

Exactly Mumpire you are projecting.
You are right in that I am being rude now, because I am fed up with you being rude to me based on something you think I said, which I DIDN'T.

You are choosing me to argue with on the basis of something you have imagined. I have said I think she should LTB, I have agreed he violated her trust, but I have said it is up to her to decide what to do AND IT IS.

NettleTea · 16/12/2013 14:05

I must admit I read that post by burgundian and just thought WTF??? Its like some academic referral back to 'ye olde days' when a 'tarnished woman' would be sad and lonely and ostracised by humanity, and the shame of the violation fell upon her shoulders.

I would say, having left an abusive partner (who's abuse, I must add, had no bearing upon MY value, as a person, and was completely down to his own choices) that my self esteem only increased as a result. Staying with him would have gradually eaten away at my self respect, as I would effectively have been condoning his treatment of me.

Yes, it affected my view of men. Of Abusive men. It reminded me to look out for the red flags, to maybe not be so trusting and naive, but then maybe thats a good thing as naive and trusting often attracts abusers.

But guess what? There are LOTS of good men out there. Men who are quite happy NOT to violate for their own sexual perversions. And its easier to find a man who is decent and will treat you well than to find a woman who will happily let you violate her if you are a pervert.

So perhaps, Burgundian you should turn your sympathy towards OP's partner, who will be left alone (mainly without his children) and having to face the online dating game, knowing he is a nasty abuser who cannot be trusted to not be led by his dick, and who threw away what most men are actually looking for - a loyal, trusting wife, a family, and his home, for a quick thrill.

Turn the blame and the consequences back where they belong please.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 16/12/2013 14:05

Given your other family worries on top of this cannot I think you were restrained not to tell H explicitly what to do with his essay. I wish you could unburden yourself to someone close in rl.

MrRected · 16/12/2013 14:08

Burgundian that was a very odd post .

NettleTea · 16/12/2013 14:13

And if burgundian IS Ops partner, then I think that says a whole lot more about his need to control, to ensure the OP doesnt feel able to get some outside help with a situation that he has created.

Noctilucent · 16/12/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 14:21

Join - sorry if I've offended, my comical spelling was only meant to show the large size of the fuck up and wasnt meant to diminish the act.

"Do men really think they get a few chances at sexual abuse before it's bad enough to be thrown out?". No, don't be so ridiculous.

"Guess what, no woman has to put up with a man violating her sexually." Really?, note to self.

Your condenscension notwithstanding I think you have failed to understand the point of my post.

How do you know that this wasnt a mistake and a fuck up? You don't. You have absolutely not one clue about this guy and his relationship with his family and wife and their relationship with him apart from scant info from the OP and much comment from the other posters.

You are telling this woman to chuck 18 years down the shitter, because you think that this man is abusive. I'm not saying that the act wasn't abuse, I'm saying if the OP is confident that that this was a mistake, and not evidence of prolonged and systematic coercion and abuse, then LTB isnt the only option.

Peekska · 16/12/2013 14:27

There have been some very weird posts on the Relationships board in the past week. But that post by burgundian is the creepiest of any of them.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 14:31

How do you know that this wasnt a mistake and a fuck up?

Well it was, it's just he doesn't seem to realise that it was, let alone what a massive violation it was. The OP has also mentioned more than once being coerced in to sexual acts and being a bit of a peace-keeper in general.

MatryoshkaDoll · 16/12/2013 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 14:51

Sorry Matryoska, I meant mistake as in an error in judgement, not by mistake as in not on purpose. He obviously did it on purpose, but whether it was a stonking great error in judgement, or as an abusive act, the OP is in the best position to make this call.

MostWicked · 16/12/2013 14:54

And everyone....stop being so naïve in suggesting the film/s be taken down. Once they're out there, they're out there FOREVER. Continually being propagated to other sites/downloaded/re-uploaded.

I just wanted to put a bit of perspective on this.
When something is posted on the internet, you lose control of it, so there is always a risk that it will be copied and posted elsewhere, but it does NOT mean that is definitely will or already has!!

Of course it is worth taking the videos down. Not every video that is posted on one porn site, is automatically replicated on dozens of others.

As an active porn user, I can count on one hand, the number of times I have come across the same amateur video on different sites. Professional videos are regularly posted on numerous sites, but not so much amateur ones.

Get the videos taken down, then decide for yourself how to handle your DH.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 14:54

I read that post by burgundian and dismissed it as trolling. Weirdos.

For the record I'm not saying to the OP that she should leave, or stay. Only that she should make up her own mind, as she knows the guy the best, and not be overly swayed by the chorus of "LTBs" from the mased ranks.

CailinDana · 16/12/2013 14:54

I am really surprised that people are using the fact that they've been together for 18 years as a reason to forgive this. How short does a relationship have to be in order for sexual abuse to be a "good enough" reason to leave? And how much do women in even longer relationships have to put up with? Rape, physical abuse? The fact they've been together so long makes this worse rather than mitigating it surely? Oh and it's not her actions that will put 18 years "down the shitter" because she's done nothing wrong.

It always astounds me when people expect others to put up with abuse simply to aoid breaking up as if breaking up is a massive sin or something. Breaking up particularly after a long time is extremely hard but living in misery with someone you can't trust is infinitely harder.

BeCool · 16/12/2013 15:01

cannot you probably cant ever get them all taken down - they are out there now - forever.

You H is an utter utter cnut & I really feel for you and the curve ball that has been thrown into your life.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 15:03

Cailin - breaking up isn't a massive sin, but it is emotionally difficult. When you've spent 18 years of your life in a relationship with someone, surely making doubly sure that breaking up is the best course of action is worth a bit of time, rather than chucking it all in one fell swoop.

Point taken about her actions though. If she does LTB it will be because of his actions, not hers.

CailinDana · 16/12/2013 15:04

Albert in what sense could this be an error in judgement? He persuaded her against her better judgement to be filmed then secretly uploaded it online. He knew she wouldn't agree to it otherwise he wouldn't have been secretive about it. That's not an error in judgement, that's dishonest disrespectful nasty behaviour. I don't see how else you could construe it but I would be interested in your take on it.

GossipWitch · 16/12/2013 15:12

Do you think you can get through this as a couple op? if you do, do you think its worth saving?

I think if I was in your situation, he would definitely be sleeping on the sofa. But 18 years and kids is a long time to throw away if you can forgive him, and obviously before this you had a great sex life and relationship it seems.

Its a massive violation, but if with the right help and counselling, you think it could be saved, would you?

Its completely up to you how you go on, it is your life and a lot of us would say LTB after that, but we are not you and in your relationship.

Norland · 16/12/2013 15:12

OP said:
'Someone had asked earlier if he had taken the last video down from the site that I originally found them on...I don't think it makes much difference now. I just did a Google search and found the videos on at least 20 other sites. So whilst they're blocked from one it doesn't stop them appearing on other sites. Also if I search the Images on Google I'm in the first lot of images that appear (no face showing though)...'

How are you doing that? Obviously you can search for a video title and if that title has been retained by a bot and cross-posted to another site, then a google search on title will throw up those videos but I wasn't aware that you could Google the video image and get results. Google usually returns something about an invalid link or the URL being too large.

I also believe that under the laws of England & Wales, copyright to images belongs to the person behind the camera (although IAMNAL and your legal mileage may differ) so as you've posted that you agreed to the filming, you'd may find it tricky to persuade the police to get involved; may differ overseas but trying to enforce a web-hosting provider, in another country - Bolivia is where Napster have landed - would likely be highly expensive and probably fruitless.