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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:18

Once is enough. Twice would be worse, but once is enough. what difference does it make to dig and find out it was five times.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 13:18

"I just did a Google search and found the videos on at least 20 other sites."

What search term are you using when you look for them?

Why are you presuming that someone else copied them and uploaded them elsewhere and not that the consent-indifferent prick you live with published them more widely that he admitted?

I really don't think you should draw any kind of line under this yet.

You know he was never planning to tell you that he was doing this, and you have no idea how long it has been going on for or what other material he has put online.

It is worth finding out as much as you can.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:20

My heart goes out to you. I would tell the police.

And don't worry about Christmas. Christmas Shristmas. The rest of your life and your self-esteem is more important.

LessMissAbs · 16/12/2013 13:21

I would also be suspicious that he has got payment for this. Check his bank statements.

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:21

Mumpire I personally would LTB, but I am not the OP and I just always tend to think that people should be left to make their own minds up not pressurised. I feel that the most helpful thing to do always is discuss the ramifications, act as a sounding board and a place for the OP to vent/ramble/try out ideas. I didn't say leave or not leave, I said I wouldn't give her advice! The risk is that if everyone jumps in with a LTB then she feels that she can't explore her own thoughts and feelings sufficiently to reach that conclusion by herself. And I think that arriving at that conclusion independently would probably make for a more secure outcome.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 13:24

Are they the only options your foresee burgundian?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 16/12/2013 13:29

What an unusual post, Burgundian,

burgundian · 16/12/2013 13:34

Now that this has happened, it's hard to imagine the OP ever feeling quite the same about men and sex again, Vivacia. Would you?

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:34

That's not commendable Madasabox, it's misguided. This is not an affair or coming home from staff party drunk with lipstick on shirt.

His actions were an abusive violation and suggesting that working through it/overlooking it is an option at this point is not appropriate advice. That doesn't mean it's easy to leave, so the worst thing you could possibly say in my opinion is 'it's not necessarily a 'ltb' offence. It is absolutely a ltb offence and if you can't see that well omg, you have very low standards.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 13:37

"Now that this has happened, it's hard to imagine the OP ever feeling quite the same about men and sex again, Vivacia. Would you?"

What a weird and creepy thing to say.

I was raped many years ago. It never had any impact on how I felt about men other than the man who raped me.

Why would it?

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 13:38

Maybe the police can help you trace them all and get them taken down.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 13:38

Burgundian, you sound like you could be the OP's prick of a husband.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 13:40

I am also not sure a stranger would bother about downloading, and uploading other peoples amateur shots at all. Why take the risk? Why bother sharing what is not yours?

I also think it is more likely that your husband has distributed them more widely, and is now blaming the share culture online.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:41

burgundian

~what a ridiculous post.

I have never for an instant regretted leaving my x. None of the practical obstacles ever made me regret it.
I am not lonely and I'm so much happier than I was back then. Have had one boyfriend and he was a very nice man. No roundabout of dating losers for me. I am content single so I ended it because it wasn't right, and I don't make decisions out of loneliness because I'm not lonely Hmm
Single motherhood is never as bad as a miserable relationship.

burgundian · 16/12/2013 13:41

In contrast to you, earlier experiences often seriously affect later relationships with men. Probably unusual for such a serious assault to have no impact on you.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 13:41

burgundian can be no other than OPs dp, with that sinister hateful post.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:42

yes, what burgundian says, it sounds like the bilge my x came out with when i left him. 'you're no spring chicken you know...' blah blah blah

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 13:43

burgundian - is that what you are counting on? Tarneshing your partner to ensure she always stays with you out of fear for being crimpled and wrinkled and old and alone?

How did you find this thread, and why did you chose this name?

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:43

So Burgundian, what are you saying? that it's better to stay with the first abuser? Confused

I'd rather seize the opportunity to get away from the abuser, build back up self-esteem and then see what happens. Dating roundabouts aren't compulsory you know.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:45

joinyourplayfellows

I agree with you, I only ever disliked my x. He was not the Ambassador for all men. He was the one I longed to get away from.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 13:45

it's hard to imagine the OP ever feeling quite the same about men and sex again, Vivacia. Would you?

I would think that many of us reading this thread have had damaging experiences in the past and had happy, healthy and sexually-fulfilling relationships since. Don't you?

My point is, that you only painted a series of bleak futures (apart from a possible bleak future of staying within the relationship). It struck me as strange that you didn't see lots of opportunities for a happy, exciting and free future. It made me wonder what your agenda was.

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 13:46

Have RTFT

"not necessarily a LTB offence"

It depends on whether this is systematic and prolonged abuse or a mahooosive fuck-up and misjudgment of the highest order. There is evidence of both in what the OP has written. His actions can either be construed as massive embarassment and not knowing what to do with himself, or minimising. Only the OP will know for sure.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:47

yes, strange indeed. to seem to be saying 'well you're fucked now so what's the point having any self-respect'. One would have to wonder why somebody would wander on to the thread to make that point.

Madasabox · 16/12/2013 13:50

Mumpire you clearly have very low standards of personal interaction if you think it is acceptable to:

a) be rude and insulting to someone you don't know on the internet just because they have a different opinion to you;

b) you think that the only acceptable way to behave in life is to browbeat a stranger you don't know at a very difficult time in her life to decide to leave her husband of 18 years when she has just discovered something shocking about him;

c) you are incapable of understanding that despite the right thing to do being to leave that people don't necessarily make those decisions when they are faced with them in RL and that when they post on a forum like this they may well be looking for support/venting/ideas/convincing. You have seen all the other threads from women whose husbands beat them, rape them and otherwise abuse them. They are all told rightly to LTB but they don't all do that straight away do they? Recognising that the OP will possibly not choose to make what I think is the right decision and respecting her choice to make that decision (no matter how wrong I am convinced it is) is the mark of an adult who respects the OP as a person. Telling her there is only one possible alternative treats her as some kind of vague internet idea or theme of violated woman that we can bully by taking away her right to make that choice. It's as bad as telling someone who has been raped how to feel about that rape and what decision she should make about how to act afterwards.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:52

on the contrary. I am a good communicator.

I just recognise that minimising abuse is always inappropriate.

I really feel sorry for you that you are so misguided.

I am not telling her what to do actually. I'm telling you that you are wrong to tell her to think about not leaving. Big difference.