My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

Hi OP, if my DH had done this to me when I believed and trusted in him and the relationship then I really would feel like my world had ended, I hope you are hanging in there.

I just can't understand why he doesn't see it as a big thing- what is actually wrong with him?

If he knew it was really out of order but did it anyway to fulfil some sick thing he had going, and was now begging forgiveness, that would be easier to understand, in a way, but his handling of it is almost as if he really thinks it is OK and you are just making a fuss- does he just have no moral compass at all? Really I think there must be something seriously awry in his head.

My utter, utter sympathies, OP. Just adding my voice to those who view this as sexually abusive and alarming in that it suggests he has been subtly coercive for a long time, and has now moved onto to doing something he absolutely knew was against your wishes. Your privacy, bodily integrity, consent, happiness etc etc were less important than his desire to share wank fodder with the lower echelons of the Internet.

I also disagree with Pollaidh. I am a university lecturer in the humanities, and if it became known (definitively, from a good source, not idle rumour) that a colleague had done this, his name would be mud within the institution. No, there could be no official work consequences, unless he were convicted of a criminal offence, but universities work off the back of cooperation and human relationships. There would be all kinds of ways in which he would be made aware of disapproval.

I have no advice, just to say that whole I understand your desire to keep up an appearance of normality fir the children, you should make it perfectly clear that this is at the very least potentially relationship -ending stuff. Tell him you will not, ever, be having sex with him again, and that his apparent confusion with the issue of consent means you are worried about him around your children. Ask him how he would feel if one of them came across their mother on an Internet porn site. Take your time on deciding what you want to do, but don't let Christmas lull him into security in the hope you have forgotten about it.

Haven't read all the thread so apologies, but one thing jumps out - you keep referring to your old sex-life and how you used to be adventurous etc etc.

This is NOTHING to do with sex. In the same way that rape is nothing to do with sex. This is about his domination and control over you, and your lack of power.

On academia, I can think of one colleague I'd not have been surprised if he had done it. Thankfully he's not married, or I might actually suspect him.
He's the type of person who thinks others are stupid, and it is arrogant enough (coupled with porn use at work...). Also the type of person to make a move for me while he was dating someone at the lab (stupid, really) and I had recently married.
They are just too arrogant.

But not from most men I work(ed) with.

This is NOTHING to do with sex. Good point Titchy I thought that too. This shouldn't be mixed up with confidence, sexiness or love or anything like that.

This has nothing to do with sex, and all about power.

Im so sorry this happened OP.

I had a similar thing happen, but it was pre internet times. My husband was forces and away on tour for months, he asked if i could make him a cassette tape ( yes im that old) and send it to him. You couldnt have phone sex due to lack of privacy his end.

Trusting him, i did.

I later found out he had told people about it, and then it was played daily, over the loud speakers, for the whole camp of 200 odd men to listen too.

I can remember that feeling well, and even thinking about it now makes me feel sick.

I was younger and naieve then, and brushed it under the carpet. I wish i had seen it for what it was, abuse and total disregard for me as a person, as it would have solved me a lot of further and much worse abuse.

If you fancy calling womens aid to talk it though, you might find it of help, just to get your head straight and to chat to someone non judgemental who you can be honest with.

Take care and look after yourself.

codered - how horrible.

titchy - that's a really good point that I hadn't thought of actually.

There is no danger of me forgetting about this or sweeping it under the carpet because it's Christmas. There has been a lot of family stress and upheaval this year (Mum diagnosed with cancer, alcoholic brother causing fucking chaos) and whilst I didn't quite have my heart set on a Disney-esque all singing all dancing Christmas, I wanted it to be a happy and memorable one for the kids for all the right reasons. Their Dad not being there would make it memorable for all the wrong reasons. I can bite my lip for their benefit, it's not to make things easier for him. He will be under no illusion that he's fucked up and that things will never be the same again. I'd be living a lie if I even tried.

Good :)

Use the time to have a think about what YOU want, practicalites, how you could make it work, or what you want to happen... seek advice from womens aid, or entitled to, regarding finances, keep talking and thinking.

I ended up kicking my ex husband out on the 17th december, I had planned to wait till the new year, but i just couldnt take another second of him. I do understand, its very very hard. Dont feel raced or pressured to do anything you dont feel ready to.

I don't want to add to the pressure either! I think I am quite liberal, but tend to agree with the posters that this is a massive violation of trust by him. It shows a complete lack of understanding of you as a person and says masses about how he views women. In a way (although obviously not from your perspective) the fact that it doesn't show your face is worse - it is totally dehumanising. You are a piece of meat, a commodity for men to look at and your face is irrelevant because it is what they are doing to this faceless body that is exciting.
I actually quite like porn, but don't watch it because I think taking my relationship down that path would inevitably change the way in which my DH and I viewed each other and thought about sex and I don't want to do that.
I really hope you are able to reconcile this somehow. I don't have any advice for what you should do as it's none of my business and I find it difficult to say what I would do in that situation, but the one thing I would think really hard about is making sure (like lots of posters have said) that there were no other videos/photos out there, because that would inform any decision you might make. I am not sure of how you could do that though without his cooperation - maybe there is some kind of IT way?

Someone had asked earlier if he had taken the last video down from the site that I originally found them on...I don't think it makes much difference now. I just did a Google search and found the videos on at least 20 other sites. So whilst they're blocked from one it doesn't stop them appearing on other sites. Also if I search the Images on Google I'm in the first lot of images that appear (no face showing though).

I'm shaking again now. I need to draw a line under this don't I, and stop tormenting myself

An aversion to non-consensual sexual acts has nothing to do with lacking confidence, adventurousness or being liberal Mad!

maybe there is some kind of IT way Have you read the thread?

I think the johnny-come-lately comments are less than helpful.

I need to draw a line under this don't I? That makes it sound as though you feel you need to move on, get over it etc.

Mad - even when all of the videos are deleted from the original site they have already been copied onto numerous other sites which, as far as I'm aware but will have to check, we may not be able to have deleted.

I know you're only trying to help by the way.

And I bet he's not having half of the sleeplessness and angst you are having.

Vivacia - by that I meant I need to stop tormenting myself and looking for how many copies of the videos there are out there on God know how many sites. Not that I need to draw a line under it and forgive him for being a total cunt.

He knew this would happen. He wanted it to.

What a scumbag.

Vivacia Is there any need to be rude?

I have read the whole thread. Maybe you don't understand English as I referred to other posters suggestions?
When I asked if there was an IT way to find out I meant that just because the OP knows that there are videos and photos on his PC, she doesn't know if they have been uploaded. He claims not and I was asking if there was some way that that could be checked, not deleted as other posters have suggested, but check on whether he was telling the truth.

I didn't mention lacking confidence or adventurousness Vivacia please don't put words into my mouth. As you are evidently on some kind of mission to be unpleasant, allow me to present you with the definition of liberal "willing to respect or accept behaviour or opinions different from one's own; open to new ideas" - on that I was referring to the OP's husband's obvious difference in belief and behaviour different from the OP. It was nothing to do with sex. By describing myself as liberal, I mean that there are many things in life I would be willing to accept as being driven by a different viewpoint, but as I clearly state this is a massive violation of trust. I personally would find it unacceptable, but this is not about me, this is about the OP and the one thing I wished to avoid is pressurising her into a decision or pushing her down a particular path.

Incidentally as someone who has been both raped and sexually abused in the past, I think I have a very clear understanding of the concept of consent. Please stop projecting your own views on to my post and what you think I said.

I don't think you should feel you have to 'draw a line' OP. Yes I'm sure it's a good idea to try not to obsess over it. But I think you have the right to your own feelings, and it's better to feel and acknowledge them than to bury them, because that never works.

I also think your husband really needs to see the impact of his behaviour. He doesn't seem to be able to get it on its own.

I'm glad the point the point has been made that 'adventurous' sex does not set any 'precedent' for non-consensual exploitation and debasement. Consensual even kinky, sex is a completely different entity to what is essentially sexual abuse.

The earlier coercion on his part seems to have been a precursor for total disregard for consent in this case.

This is awful. I am so sorry this has happened has been done to you.

Does your husband realise yet that this could lead to the end of your marriage? Is he sleeping on the sofa?

OP it all sounds horrendous. H's bags would be packed and on the lawn this afternoon if it was me, Christmas or no Christmas. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this

However I am not you, and you need to think it all through, get a lot of information, do loads of research and work out how to go forward from here. Support for you at this time is vital and you need someone to talk to in RL.

Loads of support for you on here too of course, much good advice, wisdom and experience to give you feedback and food for thought as you work towards future decisions.

Cannot I know that they will have been copied. My point is more that he says it is only this few and in order for you to properly decide what you want to do it feels like you need to know whether that is true or not. It is only by having all the facts that you can really decide. What if for instance you forgave him, worked through a very difficult time together and then in a couple of years time you came across some additional photos or videos you weren't aware of? It's more that I am asking about.

And just so everyone can get off my case. I agree this is a total violation, consent is the issue and the lack thereof. I know that, I never said it wasn't. Stop picking on me and focus on the OP.

cannotfuckingbelievethis next Christmas will be more Disney. It could only be more Disney!

I didn't leave the first time my x was abusive to me (different kind of abuse) but leaving him has been fantastic for my self-esteem.

Thinking of what he did, it's the sort of thing an enemy might do really, not a partner, your children's father.

I agree with Titchy, never ever again will you have to feel pressure to be super adventurous, to keep him interested etc. He sounds like he had you on tiptoes there. What a tosser.

Sorry Madasabox, it's just your advice that it is not necessarily a 'ltb' offence is such flawed thinking and such a mistake.

If that's not a 'ltb' offence, then what on God's Green earth is? an affair pales compares to this in my book. Your worst enemy might be your worst enemy but if they had a shred of decency and any sort of moral compass at all they'd hesitate to do this, but from a partner ??

maybe that's why you got a 'hard time' !

If this is the end of your life with someone you've known for a lifetime, what next?
Life as a single mother now? Always on your own (with the kids most of the time) from now onwards? Or, out of loneliness, will you eventually jump on the dodgy roundabout of dates with strangers? Men who it'll take time to get to really know and trust (but you thought you had one already). So will you ever be able to trust a man again?
Will you have the will and determination to search out genuine guys from players, 'single' (but married!) men only looking for a shag, weirdos on dating sites and whatever other debris emerges from the dating lottery.
But will your attitude towards men be soured now? And will you ever feel the same about sex with any man again? So will you maybe opt to stay alone into old age because you can't really trust men any more?
In general, can you look forward to the future with any optimism? I hope so. I hope you can imagine a brighter future for yourself than the somewhat bleak picture I've painted. I hope all goes well for you in the end.

My wife and I have posted the odd photograph on such sites. Strictly small parts only (especially true in my case, she would say) as a bit of a thrill.

I cannot comprehend doing so without her permission, or posting anything which might identify her/us. To those who feel it's just laugh, why are nearly all photographs where there are men and women "performing" together is the man's face covered up, yet the womens are generally clear to see?

I expect it's that most visitors to these site are men and they don't want to be identified.

I don't know that I could forgive such a breech of trust. If the OP can or chooses to stay in the relationship I wish her all the best.