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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
MonkeysInTheFog · 16/12/2013 10:11

You're reading it wrong.

ziggiestardust · 16/12/2013 10:12

Yes, I'm reading it wrong Blush

Sorry!

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 10:13

No, you read that wrong - or I wrote it wrong !!!

When I moved back from kissing him he just looked at bit hurt.

I was referring to the "any chance of a blow job ?" comment. That was said after I had initially confronted him. I think he said this because he was trying to be funny or didn't know what else to say. I don't think he said it in a "fuck you !" kind of way.

I'm not making any sense now....

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 16/12/2013 10:15

Glad you're still with us OP. Does it feel real yet? I've had experience of something a lot less bad but still what felt like a terrible betrayal (and would have been if it was true, but it was a medical error, so it turned out all fine). It took me a few days to feel like it was real and I wasn't in a soap episode, everything kind of felt like it was happening to me at a distance. It took my husband even longer (a couple of weeks), to realise that this was BIG stuff.

It's very early days, you need time to fully realise what has happened, what you want to do, and seek advice if needed. I would really recommend confiding in someone trustworthy in real life (even if it's your GP or a counsellor). You have done nothing wrong at all and you had every right to assume you could trust your partner of 18 years.

clam · 16/12/2013 10:16

He looked hurt?! Tell him to get used to it.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 10:24

clam - I know I probably sound like a complete doormat but that was the only way I could describe how he looked. I don't actually give a fuck that he looked hurt ! Maybe it's starting to skin in a bit for him now.

Pollaidh - yes it feels real.

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 16/12/2013 10:25

No I apologise it was me reading it wrong Thanks

I think only time will tell with respect to what you want to do. Have you got a gut feeling? Like I know you said it's all changed now; how you feel about him. Do you feel like it's just a matter of time before you leave? Or is this something you feel that, given time and work, you can forgive?

I don't want to project here, but if it was me; whilst I would struggle to leave straight away, I think I would start making preparations to do so. Practical stuff, like finding out about tax credits for the children, drafting a maintenance/access agreement, finding out about places to live, perhaps finding if I was entitled to any compassionate/resettlement leave through HR discreetly at work. That sort of thing. I think that's what I would do in that situation. I would then give it a couple of months, and if I had still not moved on from it and I still felt the same, then everything would be in place. Doing the practical side of things also helps you realise if that is the right choice for you.

You don't have to do anything, you don't have to work on things if you don't want to. ThanksThanks

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 10:33

ziggie - Thanks for that. I don't work so no worries about getting time off !

When we've spoke hypothetically in the past about "what would you do if....." and the scenario concerned an affair I always said I would end up leaving him. Not because I wouldn't love him anymore but because he would have completely broke my trust and without that I don't think there is much of a relationship. He's not had an affair but he has completely broke my trust. So my gut feeling is that we're not going to get over this.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 16/12/2013 10:36

I think I would be the same as you. I wouldn't act immediately. But gradually - no sex, no intimacy, no sense of humour, the relationship would be over.

I'm so sorry. What a shock.

ziggiestardust · 16/12/2013 10:37

Ok, that's ok to feel like that. Perhaps now would be a good time to have a look at the practicalities of leaving if that's what you'd like to do? Get a plan together, and give yourself a deadline (perhaps Easter?) when you want it all to be in place so you can action it.

I definitely think he should be finding somewhere else to go, since you are the wronged party. What is your situation? Are you mortgaged, and if so; are you on the mortgage? Or are you renting? Will your partner be likely to help you financially as you are not working?

Pollaidh · 16/12/2013 10:44

I agree with ziggie and I'd get a plan together for leaving (and when I say leaving, I mean kicking him out. Don't leave the family home). Then I'd be in a position of power (knowledge is power). Then, knowing all the consequences, I could take a decision. You could end up staying if that works for you personally, but the balance of power has shifted.

I would also expect him to leave me space (my going elsewhere, where is not my problem), in the meantime. In fact a gentleman (which he's clearly not), would offer to leave and give you space, whilst still taking on much of the childcare.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 10:49

I agree with Pollaidh.

Obviously some will say that with time and effort you could get past this but why would you try?! It'd be pushing water uphill and you have to value yourself more than to overlook this.

It'll be hard for a while but you'll get through it. I left an abusive man (so totally different reasons) but understand that it is difficult to just step out of your own life and step in to a different life. (was also financially very vulnerable) It is worth it though. I think this would badly effect your self-esteem if you just brushed it aside. And a damaged self-esteem would then impact upon other things too.
Flowers Brew

drudgetrudy · 16/12/2013 10:56

You might feel that you don't hate him, you may be able to talk to him but I think you are going to find it very difficult to have a sexual relationship with him after this. He has completely broken your trust and betrayed you in a way that is almost worse than having an affair

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 11:00

drudge - that's it in a nutshell. I feel repulsed at the thought of having sex with him just now.

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 16/12/2013 11:02

Hr1! That's it!

Lweji · 16/12/2013 11:13

You need to stick to your gut feeling and start the process of leaving, as pp said earlier.

Will your self esteem survive if you stay with this man?

NakedTigarCub · 16/12/2013 11:20

Has he taken it off the site yet?

Where did he sleep last night?

AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 16/12/2013 11:29

From what I've read, and it was just a skim read so am prepared to be told to RTFT, I don't think the solution for the OP in this instance is to LTB.

I don't want to minimise what the guy has done. It is an awful breach of trust, decency, morality and privacy.

However, they have been together 18 years. Thats a long time. He has not got 'form' for this (although to my innocent eyes, does seem a bit like a bit of a perv - although the OP seems to accept this side to him to an extent). He seems to have realised that he's made the mother of all fuck ups and deserves to be 'punished'. The question is how to do this? I think leaving him, if he is properly remorseful, would be a bit like cutting your nose of to spite your face.

Again, I reiterate, the posting of the video is a horrible horrible thing and there do need to be consequences, I just don't think leaving him (subject to everything else being OK) is the best one.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 16/12/2013 11:34

"He seems to have realised that he's made the mother of all fuck ups and deserves to be 'punished'." That's the thing, I don't read anything here that says he does, just that when he tried to kiss her and she refused he gave her hurt eyes.

I don't think its an immediate ltb, but I can't see how long term you can live with a man like this. It's impossible.

I wonder if he is an abusive bastard - and has always been - or if he is a complete porn-dog and through over-use has lost all boundaries.

I wouldn't be interested in him either way.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 11:37

I haven't seen any evidence of this "wake up call" he's supposedly had, either

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 11:37

You need to RTFT. I think he does have form and his lack of remorse is as chilling as the initial betrayal in my eyes.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 11:38

The thought of a man doing this to me and then leaning in for a kiss makes my skin crawl. Please put him on the couch and don't let him in to your bed.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 11:40

This man will just carry on as normal, with the occasional "hurt eyes" expression. He will simply wait until OP's initial hurt and confusion fades (as it will over xmas) and then he will be in the clear. No consequences, no fall out from what he did. This is what he is sure will happen, probably based on how Op has STFU for an easy life every other time he has pushed the boundaries.

OP, this is your life now. No trust, no respect, having to watch your back at all times. Is this something you consider sustainable ?

Lweji · 16/12/2013 11:47

I'd actually have expected after 18 years that my partner would show more respect for me.
Not that I'd tolerate crap more easily.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/12/2013 11:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Like you say, the trust is gone. It would be a deal-breaker for me, because to my mind, without trust there is no point in a relationship. Your partner should be the one person in this world who you know will always have your back no matter what, not stab you in the back for their own gratification.

I hope you find the strength to move forward, no matter which direction you choose.