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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 15/12/2013 22:34

I asked about him trying to persuade you to do other things as he clearly has a porn addiction.

MumpireCallsTime · 15/12/2013 22:39

OP, please don't just act normal because Christmas is coming.

What will happen is that you will act normal for so long that then it will be hard for you to suddenly tap in to the outrage that you really should feel. Because you'll have been suppressing it,and then what, at what point to you press release on it?

He'll think that you're being a good girl for sucking it all up and then when you get angry he'll think it's 'sudden' out of nowhere etc..

You can't worry about messing up Christmas. Your children will have a lovely Christmas with JUST YOU.

And if it's not "lovely" then at least the hard part will be behind you.

JimmysMum1988 · 15/12/2013 22:41

So sorry to hear this!!!
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now???
Xx

drudgetrudy · 15/12/2013 23:00

I'm usually one to play things down and go for a conciliatory approach but to me this is really shocking and I'm really sorry it has happened to you. I also noted that you say in the original post that he isn't affectionate ( is that just with the kids or with you as well) yet he can say "any chance of a blow job". I think you need time to take all this in before deciding what to do, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to have sex with him again. He doesn't sound at all caring towards you

NightOfTheCactus · 15/12/2013 23:01

OP - how are you doing?

Is your P still there?

I feel for you OP, not just for what your P has done, but for all you have to wade through emotionally to be able to think straight.

Though most of us on here, it seems, are of the resolute view that you should absolutely LTB, we are of course coming to that conclusion from the luxury of being able to clearly see this betrayal he has carried out with no distractions. We are not looking through a lense built up by love, friendship, kids, 18 years of being together. No wonder you can't think straight.

I think you need to give yourself time and space. I hope you are getting as decent a night's sleep as possible in your own bed - alone.

I truly think you need to have space away from your P - you've got enough confusion jangling about your mind at the moment without him there muddying the water further. Really, you would be more than justified in packing him a bag and telling him to get out and to work out himself where he is going to stay - it's really not your problem.

Whether you call time on your relationship or whether you try to work things out - I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do - I think you've had enough of your autonomy and opinion taken away through your P's violation. I would say though that things can only be worked through in a relationship if both partners identify the problem and both are equally committed to working at it, and his response so far shows that he needs at the very least the mother of all wake-up calls.

I am so very sorry. I do believe that he needs to receive some pretty strong consequences as soon as you feel able, but I also respect your need to grieve and come to terms with what has happened

ThisIsMyRealChristmasName · 15/12/2013 23:01

ven't read the whole thread so sorry if i've missed something, but just reading your first few posts made me so angry on your behalf

The fact that he made a joke about it??"Any chance of a blowjob??" Angry I'm normally incrediblly laid back and totally against any violence, but i think i would have struggled not to deck him!

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has no respect for you at all. I think this would be a deal breaker for me too Sad

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 15/12/2013 23:31

I also think this is a form of sexual abuse.

It's horrific.

I'm so sorry your husband has done this to you OP, please don't let anyone tell you it's no big deal or it's just a mistake. It indicates serious underlying problems with this man which he's obviously been able to hide for 18 years. Don't blame yourself, don't be embarrassed by your motivations, this is not your fault, what he's done to you is unbelievable. No decent man would ever do this.

livingmydream612 · 15/12/2013 23:38

Op how are u?

I am also sorry your dp has been such a dickead to say the least.

I think your very brave and strong to think you can carry on through Christmas without killing him. The outrage I feel and other posters feel on your behalf is staggering. Maybe you could show him this threat and watch his reaction to all the posters comments. Small thing but it would give me satisfaction as he is absolutely minimising his behaviour and expecting you to do the same. And I am afraid you are and will end up being made to sweep this up nicely for xmas. Agree with other posters that it will be very hard to bring up in the new year and actually make Any difference. I am very sorry you are having to go through this especially when your best friend has done it.

Big hugs to you.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 23:54

I think I can predict this man's reaction if she were to show him this thread.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2013 23:57

i would be so raging i cant even describe what id do.....

has he the faintest idea what he has done? really? i would make sure he gets the message loud and bloody clear....

im so sorry OP. This is horrifying. I would give him very short shrift until you have decided how you want to go forward with this. How he reacts now would be paramount to how i would react.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/12/2013 00:00

i would bloody show him this thread - so he realises what its like to be the talking point of a bunch of strangers on the internet - and not in the most flattering way.

the man is an insensitive unfeeling prick. There is no way he would be sharing my bed again for a very very very long time, if ever. does he understand the meaning of the word TRUST?? he has made what would be for me an irrepairable mistake. (and thats giving him the benefit of the doubt)

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 00:10

I expect he would consider us a bunch of frigid, hairy-legged man-haters.

Joysmum · 16/12/2013 06:25

For me, yes the damage was done when he posted the vids on a porn website, but the even bugger issue for me (if this were possible) is how he has reacted in the face if his mistake. Yes, he was appalling by doing that but his reaction since speaks volumes.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 16/12/2013 07:48

I agree Joysmum.

He isn't sorry for what he has done. He is barely sorry for getting found out.

Lweji · 16/12/2013 08:03

He didn't make a mistake. He wasn't thoughtless. He wasn't even stupid.

This was a calculated and well planned thing. He knew nothing major would happen. That's why he wasn't careful and why he's not repenting.
The OP (in his eyes) won't have the courage to do nothing about it and she'll probably agree to it eventually, because she always goes along with it.

His actions are designed to bury the OP more and more in his mud.

OP, please do get out. If he won't leave, report this to the police.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 16/12/2013 08:22

Op re the house, if you are not on the deeds you can still protect yourself. There is a form on land registry which registers BOTH people to a property. Thus a property cannot be sold from under you.

It's freely downloadable. Just follow their directions. It's mid alphabet... I'll try to check. Another poster may confirm.

It's over. Start planning. For family I'd just go with irreconcilable differences.....

He's an arse. I'm so very sorry.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 09:30

"He's tried to be very persuasive, but never actually forced me."

Right, so he is coercive and tries to pressure you into sex acts you don't want?

I'm not surprised.

A man who could do something this abusive and laugh about it afterwards clearly has no respect for your boundaries or consent.

I think you need to speak to a lawyer first and then try to find a counsellor or organisation that specialises in sexual abuse.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 09:31

Oh and FFS, please under no circumstances show this misogynist abuser this thread.

It is to support YOU.

His type isn't welcome here.

RubyGoat · 16/12/2013 09:37

Minnie - are you referring to a marital home rights notice?

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 09:54

Easy. We want the op to come back to this thread for support. Lets not hate her partner so much that she feels unable to return. She has had a massive shock, feels violated and intimated. In the space of literally a couple of hours her partner has gone from loving partner and dad to creep, misogynist abuser. Must be really hard for her to take in.
Nearly two decades of normal life, and a few videos online it is all turned on its head. Lets not judge op for what she is or isnt doing.

RubyGoat · 16/12/2013 10:03

Right. Have looked on the Land Registry site, I believe it's the HR1 form that Minnie is referring to.

Hope you're ok this morning OP.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 10:06

Morning everyone.

I'm ok, well not really. Still feel a bit sick and this is the first that I've actually felt like crying. Probably because he's off to work and the kids are at nursery/school so I have time by myself.

We didn't talk any more about this last night. He was trying to work on his essay which is due in today so I left him to it.

I'm prepared to be flamed for this but I don't hate him. But something inside me has definitely changed towards him. I'm looking at him differently. He came over to me to try and kiss me goodbye this morning and I recoiled. I don't see how that can ever change.

There is no excuse or defence for his actions but I think his attempts at humour were more out of shock and because he didn't know what else to say rather than a final "fuck you" to me. It reminded me of something from The Inbetweeners. Before the kids came along we were a lot more "adventurous" sexually and I think because I always agreed to other things before, in his mind, this has almost set some kind of precedence.

However I know there's not much point in trying to rationalize or understand exactly what he was thinking. The bottom line is he did this without my consent and deep down I don't believe that he was going to tell me. He said that because he shit himself when I found out.

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 16/12/2013 10:07

If it helps to have another male p.o.v - I discussed this with my husband last night and his immediate reaction was - can she sue him, can she report him to the police? I said 'what about the relationship?' and his response was 'well, duh, leave him of course'. He took it as read that the OP would LTB in these circumstances, it didn't even occur to him that she might stay. That's a man's view so don't let him tell you that "it's not a big deal, it's just a load of hairy legged feminists on mumsnet etc".

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 16/12/2013 10:08

And thank you so much to everyone who has commented on here. I'm not feeling intimidated or bullied, honestly. It's really useful to see all these different viewpoints as well as a lot of practical advice.

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 16/12/2013 10:09

OP he said 'fuck you' when you recoiled from kissing him? Or am I reading that wrong?