My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

cannot, and

In the last few years has he persuaded you to try other sexual things you weren't too keen on?

Or has he ever been overly rough or tried to have sex with you while you were sleeping?

merry - I don't know what I'm going to do and cannot type something on here just to answer your question. My head is a fucking mess.

Cailin - he has never been rough or done anything sexual that I did not want him to do. He's tried to be very persuasive, but never actually forced me.

have PMed you OP

Oh god OP.

I don't know if I could get over something as horrible as this.

To second what so many wise and eloquent posters have said on here. It's the utter lack of respect and humanity he has towards you that comes across from doing something as callas and cruel as this - not to mention humiliating.

He just sees you as a thing, an object to get him off.

It's just fucking awful but I guess you know that.

I'm just so sorry for you.

I think it is too early for OP to think about consequences and next step, she needs to get her head around all of this!

OP, I think you might have just outed yourself - perhaps report your post to MNHQ and ask them to pull your message?

'Hmm, unfortunately the academic world is very male and women's rights are not considered hugely important (it's a generalism but I have personal and plenty of anecdotal experience - lecturers petting students whilst threatening poor marks for non-compliance, inappropriate comments etc). That's no excuse at all but unfortunately it means that even if his colleagues/bosses did find out, I'm afraid it would be swept under the carpet.'

Wow yes that is a generalisation. As an academic I'm a bit surprised that the sector comes across worse in terms of sexism than just about any bit of the private sector. But it is certainly true that reporting the situation to his employer will only make a difference if he has in fact committed a crime which seems unlikely. They are not going to apply disciplinary sanctions to an employee because he is separating from his partner, even if that separation was caused by his immoral behaviour. There is a big difference between someone doing something disreputable, but at worst wrong in civil law and someone committing a criminal offence. Even in the latter case unless it results in a custodial sentence or calls into question his ability to work with students (and if he works with adults he won't need a police check) it should not affect his employment.

And in any event, is trying to interfere with his employment helpful? If Cannot's long-term interests are best served by separating from this bastard surely she needs him to stay in employment so he can pay child support?

On the legal side you could call the police and ask advice. If it is criminal the only offence it could come under is harassment and your partner's intention wasn't to harass you. But the police can advise you on that. They won't need to see the images to give you that advice.

On the civil side if you wanted to allege breach of privacy against the websites that published these images without your consent you could take an action using Art 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights. But that is a really longshot, because they may well be based abroad and whilst technically within our jurisdiction since publishing enforcing a civil order would be very hard (see further pretty much policing all of porn). But English law would see this situation as an invasion of your privacy, it would just be hard to address. At the very least you could say to him that since the material was placed online without your consent and is not being removed you would like him to seek legal advice on what can now be done to remedy the situation. No reason for him to relax...

You could try posting in legal for more ideas.

More generally once you have survived Christmas, if your name is on the deeds of the house congratulations you have half the equity in your home. If it isn't but before you stopped working you contributed to the mortgage repayments in other ways (paying all the other bills so he could meet the mortgage repayments) then you may still have a share in the home. So on that front all is not lost. Get advice early on exactly what your legal situation is and make all your subsequent decisions on that basis. Your relationship may survive in a new and better format where he doesn't do anything so violative and awful ever ever again. But you need to be much more empowered than you are now.

I'm not surprised your head is a mess OP. Try and be as gentle on yourself as you possibly can. Have you got either of your DC with you tomorrow or do you have some time to yourself?

It sounds so much like you could do with someone IRL by your side to help you. It must be really overwhelming. I'm sure as it starts to sink in you will start to get more clarity.

I'm sure no one on this thread wants to overwhelm you further - we just don't want the fucker to think he can get away with this, and we can all see that you deserve so much better x

You poor thing. Everything I could say has already been posted. But baby steps OP.

So sorry OP. I echo what everyone else has said - this is really outrageous, violating behaviour. He has ciolated your intimacy, privacy, trust - your body.
He has to see that there are consequences, that your trust is gone now. I know it's so hard though, especially at this time of year. Wishing you strength.

I disagree that this is too early for consequences for him.

With xmas coming up, the temptation is to brush this under the carpet. Wait until the NY. Let him carry on as "normal". Sleeping together, let him get back under her skin and back in her bed.

In the NY, it will be much more difficult to find your anger again, and he will dig his heels in even further, be more likely to gaslight you into forgetting your very real concerns. He is a partner of 18 years, he will find a way to persuade her she was wrong to over react like she allegedly has

OP, if you want to make him face the consequences, it must be now. Or forever hold your peace. That is how I see it, as things stand right now

*violated. Sorry.

On a purely practical note - yes, the video will have been viewed and copied and downloaded, but insist on having it taken down to reduce the impact. Even though there are thousands of porn websites, most viewers go to the main ones, which are relatively above board, so you can ask them to remove the video (if they refuse, you can say there's a breach of copyright and your lawyers are on this - and then get a solicitor to send them a letter).

Also, I understand how distraught you are at the betrayal, but remember that you cannot be recognised from the video. Nobody will recognise you in the supermarket, and it won't do any harm for potential jobs etc.

Your relationship wit your partner and how you feel about it is a different thing altogether, of course.

Don't listen to those trying to pester you into answering what you are going to do now, OP.

When something has shocked you like this you aren't going to rush to a judgment and people should really respect that.

Inflicting judgment because someone didn't say, 'I'm leaving right now' is pretty disgusting to be honest with you.

I'd leave him if he was my husband, but I doubt I'd come to that conclusion straight away, I'd need to soul search first and see if there was anything I could salvage/if I could ever see them the same way again.

Gimme be away with you with your "disgusting people who are pestering and judging you"

You said yourself what you would do...the same as anyone else here

OP asked for opinions, she is getting them

you have no right to silence anyone

ask OP first if she is happy for all opinions before you start trying to chase anyone away on her behalf...otherwise it looks patronising towards her, and to me she seems perfectly able to weigh up all input on her own behalf

I agree, you need to be calm and calculated, you need to plan and not be rash good luck

I said what I would do, but that I don't judge the OP on what she decides to do. She will come to her own decision in her own time and if it isn't my decision, who am I to judge her?

If someone repeatedly asks her, 'What are you going to do then? YOU should not let him get away with it' That doesn't help the OP in anywhichway.

I'm not trying to be rude Merry in fact I want to avoid rudeness and just let the OP come to her own decision in her own time.

I wasn't chasing those people away but simply stating that OP shouldn't listen if she feels pressured, because it wont help - I'll make sure I word it better if I am to say something similar in the future.

It makes me feel sick that a creep like this must have contact with lots of teen and young women on a daily basis as part of his job. Not suggesting he'd act out anything, but just the thought of a freak and misogynist like that having any influence on young women turns my stomach.

And WTF to the poster saying that what I wrote was dangerous. The OP sounds very naive as to the implications of what has happened and how swiftly and decisively she has to act. I'm not the one who has essentially whored out someone who is supposed to be the love of my life out to tens of thousands of losers to wank over.

In response to some of the comments about deleting the photos/films - when you delete a file on a computer usually it only deletes a pointer to the location of the file on the hard drive, the file remains and can be recovered by file recovery software very easily.

It has to be a deliberate effort to recover the files though, so you don't need to worry about using special software to delete unless you think he will aim to recover the files.

If you do think that's the case then it's easy to download tools which do delete the files properly - such as eraser. These will do a good enough job for the man in the street, may not be good enough to deal with a forensic IT team but I don't think that's what you're up against (please don't tell me he lectures in IT).

In terms of posting the videos - are you sure he's not abusive in other ways? It shows a lack of respect for you and women in general.

I'm with everyone who is horrified by your H's complete and utter betrayal of you, his wife and the mother of his children being put onto the world wide web so that random and strange men can get turned on by it. Whatever is wrong with him.

It's treating you like a piece of meat, a trophy, an object, a commodity, a vessel, and personally I could not carry on with the marriage. It would make be feel sick to look at H and know how his completely selfish, self serving, wanking mind works. Couldn't let him touch me, couldn't trust him.

He did this behind your back, knew you didn't want anything put on the internet and still did it, in secret, and you found it by chance. That is one devious, abusive character.

Then the B/J joke was just dreadful. How could he trivialise such a violation? Words are failing me here....

it's the symbolism that's the problem if you are out of your bed and he's in it, because if you make him leave it (sofa or out of the house altogether) then it's down to you when he's back in. Don't have it be you that withdraws yourself.

This.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP.

As others have said, it's not just a betrayal it's a violation. I hope that you will consider talking to somebody professional to help you get over it.

As for him, I only wish that this was a criminal offence. It really should be. It beggars belief that this is not a criminal offence. If you keyed his car you'd be charged I guess. (or stole his bike )

ps yes, if you hear a voice in your head saying he's a good dad, he's not . He put his children's mother up on a porn site. (not that he should have done it to any body, but to his children's mother? that is not a good father).