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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/12/2013 19:23

In view of your comments about being skint?

Has he sold the film for money?

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 19:28

Sorry perhaps I'm completely wrong but I thought lecturers were relatively well paid (if full time) and you've been bringing up your 2 young dc enabling him to work, so howcome things are so bad and you personally have no money? I guess I'm wondering if he is also financially irresponsible or spending lots of money on porn?

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 19:31

This happened to me and I had it taken down from the sites I knew of. I was on a hiding to nothing though, it just gets resurrected elsewhere. I just googled the title (wish I hadn't) and it's popped up on 9 other sites...this was about 2 years ago.

I'm not torturing myself any more as it's clearly me, so I figure if anyone I know has seen it, they'd be too embarrassed to admit to it.

20,000 hits, while it sounds scary, isn't massive in the grand scheme of things, so don't let numbers freak you out OP.

Must admit I get a chill if anyone 'checks me out' in the supermarket.

This wasn't done by anyone who supposedly cared about me, so I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen. I'm less mortified at this than I would be if it was a 'life partner' that had done this behind my back tbh.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 19:31

No it's not been sold for money. It's on a site that can be accessed freely (from what I gather) and the only thing posters get out of it is votes for their video.

I'm honestly trying to figure out if he is just fucking thick, being defensive, in total denial or not giving a fuck.

When I told him about the 20,000 views he was like "eh ?" He seems to make a joke of everything more to try and diffuse the situation and make out that it's not a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 19:35

RandomMess - College lecturer. He's on about £36k. When you take into account the mortgage and all the other bills there isn't really any disposable income. I don't think it's all be spent on porn. He's actually very transparent about money and we do have a joint account in so far as I can access it - but I don't put anything in to it !

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 19:37

You need a serious talk. Get the kids to bed and talk tonight and then he is on the sofa, off to his parents or in a B&B. No way is he in your bed.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 19:37

OP if he's a regular viewer of porn sites (especially the free ones) he'll know that the same vids appear on them all.... don't ask me how I know this Sad

IMO he's a combination of thick, defensive, in denial and not giving much of a fuck because only he knows it's you (no excuse, just saying it how I see it) Angry

msrisotto · 15/12/2013 19:38

He's not stupid op. He didn't tell or ask you, because he knew you would say no. He did it knowing you wouldn't be happy if you knew. I'm horrified by his behaviour. How can someone do that to someone they actually care about? It's unimaginable.

Also, the amount of people on here who reckon he can't think above his own sex drive is utterly bizarre. He is a grown up, responsible for his actions!

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 19:41

I must add I'm surprised he didn't try and cover his tracks better if you use the same computer (i.e. delete browsing history). Are academics really so lacking in common sense, or is it arrogance on their part, they think they're smarter than the rest? Still no fucking excuse mind...

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 19:43

If there is equity in your house I hope your name is on the deeds!

You must have a large mortgage etc. to be struggling, which is a shame.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 19:45

He's simply not giving a fuck because he knows you'll forgive him in the end and will just go along with it, because you've always gone and you think you are too broke to split.
I suspect he's right...

Will you prove him wrong?

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 19:47

You are not married, are you?

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 19:48

Lweji I think that was a bit harsh on OP, she needs to process her own thoughts in her own time, without extra pressure from MNers

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/12/2013 19:49

This is a form of sexual abuse.

He published videos of you having sex without your consent.

It is absolutely fucking horrifying that you could live with a man for 18 years and not realise he was capable of doing this.

But it seems from your last post, that this was something he planned and something he manipulated you into.

Please, please don't consider staying with a man whose attitude to your consent is so clearly broken.

People are comparing this to an affair, but this is far more like him raping you than him shagging somebody else.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 15/12/2013 19:51

This is fucking awful.

I am so sorry that you are going through this cannot it's a despicable thing that he has done to you.

My ex partner videoed me when we were together. I was underage at the time as he was 3 years older than me. He did it when he gave me drink and he didn't tell me about it until afterwards when he showed me. I was stupid and thought he'd keep it to himself - I completely forget he had it when we broke up as a lot more was happening.

A few months later I found out from a friend that he had shown some of our mutual friends it around his house. He also posted it online. My sister phoned him up and threatened to have him by the neck and to report him to the police (I was 17, he was 20).

I felt sick and I also felt so angry. I could've vomited in my own mouth. I hate the thought of anything like that and still wont let anyone take photos of me, even in a swimming costume just in case.

I really feel for you and hope you seriously consider your relationship with such a disrespectful man. If he had listened to you then and been a good husband he would've respected that you didn't like that kind of thing and he should have respected it.

Pollaidh · 15/12/2013 19:51

Hmm, unfortunately the academic world is very male and women's rights are not considered hugely important (it's a generalism but I have personal and plenty of anecdotal experience - lecturers petting students whilst threatening poor marks for non-compliance, inappropriate comments etc). That's no excuse at all but unfortunately it means that even if his colleagues/bosses did find out, I'm afraid it would be swept under the carpet.

I think this would easily be classed as emotional abuse. If you break up with him (I would), you could report him to the police for this new register of abusers so that new partners can look him up and get good warning.

I'm concerned about your financial position as you're not married - I would seek legal advice immediately.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 19:55

Fifty, it's not harsh. It's how he sees it. :(

My now exH didn't believe I'd call the police. He didn't give a fuck while I picked up the phone and rang them in front of him. It only dawned on him when I actually spoke to them.
That's how these men are.

Pepperandhotmilk · 15/12/2013 19:56

It doesn't matter that you have put 'nothing' into your joint account- you are MEANT to be a team, and I am sure you no doubt do MORE than enough housework/looking after your children etc.

This man probably knows you will feel scared about making him leave, and so he abuses his 'power' in so many different ways, because he can, and because he expects to get away with it. I concur with the posters who said they believed he was exerting this power over you by doing this..he gets off on it.

He is an abomination. Sad, tragic, pathetic little man.

Pepperandhotmilk · 15/12/2013 19:59

Also OP, I think Lweji is right.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 20:03

I've always told my neices never to let themselves be filmed because some guys might post stuff online as revenge if they break up.

It never occurred to me that some men might post stuff online and still expect to share a bed with them.

He is beyond despicable. What does his response 20000 views 'eh'? Mean?

NakedTigarCub · 15/12/2013 20:04

Op you need to be very careful and plan.

  1. get rid of all photos videos

  2. get your name on the mortage and deeds to the house

  3. get your own account and take a small amount of money out each week or month of the joint account.

  4. make sure the child benefit is in your name.

  5. look into finding a job or looking at what benefits you will get as a signle parent.

  6. find a good lawyer, if you report this incident and the police class it as abuse you will be entitled to legal aid.

Has he done.this now as its christmas and you cant throw him out?

Is he financialy abusive?

inabeautifulplace · 15/12/2013 20:06

That is a horrible thing to do to someone. Maybe in his mind it is a small step from personal stuff to posting online. How could he be so wrong in his judgement of your reaction? Is he prone to being thoughtless frequently?

I think you have to work out your own feelings first, and it would probably be better if he isn't with you at this time, since minimising on his part could cloud your own thinking. With a bit of space, you would have a better opportunity at finding the best path forward, be that with or without him. Your partner may also wake up to the enormity of what he has done.

You mention feeling embarrassed and that this would stop you confiding in people. You've done nothing to be ashamed of, whereas your partner should be quaking in his boots. Hold your head up, seek out a sympathetic ear and you will be able to move forward from this.

TheJollyReindeer · 15/12/2013 20:26

I understand not wanting to screw up the kids Xmas up nor distress your parents atm but do you realise by the time Christmas comes and goes you will nowhere near as motivated angry shocked as you are now. You won't be chucking him out nor getting space to think because by then you'll be just wanting to put this behind you and move on with normal.

Ok you may think? But I suspect this will end ip as simmering resentment, loss of trust and the start of a long miserable demise of your marriage.

Sorry to be so blunt and I don't want to upset you but your relationship has changed for ever after this.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 20:33

TheJolly -your relationship has changed for ever after this

^^ I know this. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach as I'm sat here writing this.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 20:38

No consequences for him at all, OP ?

Really ?

What would you tell a friend to do ?