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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
MaryMungoAndMidgies · 15/12/2013 18:22

If he really can't go elsewhere, he must sleep on the sofa. Say to the kids he has a blocked nose and snores or something. Anything.

He does not deserve a comfortable night's sleep. You do.

NightOfTheCactus · 15/12/2013 18:22

No friends locally he can stay with - you know what? Not your problem. He HAS to have consequences of some sort - if not him staying away from the house he has to have something.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 18:25

I'd not be sleeping anywhere else OP, other than my own bed. He can sleep where he likes (in my book) except for the marital bed. Angry

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 18:26

agreed Cactus

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 15/12/2013 18:30

So he did this cos it turned him on for anyone who felt like it to wank over you?
And its ok in his mind cos your face isnt visible
so one day your son might find it
maybe your dad looked at it
his dad
his best mate
your brother
his boss

the point is that he has no idea who might see it and he didnt care because you and your body are his property to use as he likes.from what you say its likely he doesnt give a shit about how you feel and the penny thats dropped is the one thats marked 'maid service might leave over this.'

travailtotravel · 15/12/2013 18:30

I am in shock reading this - I am not sure I could come back from this but as you say you have time to work on that.

Do make sure he knows that you're only being civil for the children and that you are still to decide what you want to do - don't let him start feeling comfortable again and thinking it's ok because you're speaking to him.

My thoughts are with you.

travailtotravel · 15/12/2013 18:30

Oh, and if he has posted images of you without your consent that could be a criminal matter, just in case you'd like to investigate that.

SteeleyeStan · 15/12/2013 18:33

Oh, and to add to my earlier message - I want to physically torture and kill and the guy who did it to me. (Though one could make arguments that a girl was stupid to get in that situation to begin with). The whole "he was just highly sexed and proud to be getting off with you" makes me want to vomit.

It's about power, control and total disregard for the other person's rights and feelings. A "good partner and a good father" does not act like this towards his partner.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 18:34

Why should YOU lose your bed? You've done nothing wrong.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 15/12/2013 18:38

Oh no. That he could do that. Every move and touch since when? with him thinking of a viewer. I'd feel sick. Sorry OP.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 15/12/2013 18:41

And you shouldn't feel a fool for having trusted him. No way.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 18:42

If he is studying, and you even need to help him with his coursework, who is earning?

Mishmashofstyles · 15/12/2013 18:45

I would never be able to forgive this. He is not a good partner.

How dare he use you like that? How dare he ask for a blowjob? Haha. Is he an absolute fucking idiot? Doesn't he understand that you are an actual person? With your own feelings and views?

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 18:46

Where he sleeps tonight is not your concern op-he should be leaving the house for at least a few days but you are just going to sweep this under the carpet. You do know you could go to the police?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 18:55

A few pages back someone asked how he is as a partner (before I discovered all this). I would always have put him in the "good guy" category. Whilst he's never been the most openly affectionate, I always thought deep down that he loved me and it's obvious that he adores the kids. He's popular at work and with his students (he's a lecturer) and would often go out of his way to help people without asking for anything in return.

But he's still done this.

I've been thinking a lot today and I've realized that I'm more a of "people pleaser" than I've actually ever wanted to admit. Going along with things because it "wasn't a big deal", or "I didn't mind either way". I see it clear as day now. That's why I did let him make the videos. I won't lie and say that I didn't enjoy the sex at the time but I wasn't completely comfortable but thought that it wasn't a big deal if OH wanted to get off on it. I lost a bit of weight during the summer and he kept on going on about how good I looked in my underwear. I suppose I was flattered. I sound like fucking teenager don't I.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/12/2013 19:01

You're thinking of your children and not wanting to disrupt Christmas ,this I understand.

However , in tnr New Year I'd be examining the relationship and how much value was left in it after this.

I wouldn't be letting him within an inch of me regardless.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 15/12/2013 19:03

Thank god your face isn't in it. You've got to take this time over Christmas to think about what you want to do.
Is it you porn or red tube, something like that? There are sooooo many videos on there that hopefully it'll get pushed to the back :(

NightOfTheCactus · 15/12/2013 19:05

I think part of the problem with situations such as this is that people are a mixture of good and bad. It would be easy if we saw a person who would do something such as this as a pantomime villain cackling under a curly moustache. It's never as simple as that is it?

Unfortunately the enormity of what he is done cannot be justified by any of his good qualities. He seems to have been building up a belief system that casts you as an object and which strips you of your humanity.

Of course you are going to feel torn and confused.

You don't sound like a teenager by the way. There's nothing wrong with feeling pleased if we have a partner that finds us sexy and attractive. Why wouldn't you feel flattered? Feeling flattered by his compliments doesn't give him carte blanche however to treat you as he has.

I don't think you have been silly or naive or anything else - you've been with this guy many, many years. You've had kids with him. You thought you knew him (as would anyone in your position).

I am so, so sorry. He NEEDS to have his belief system shaken up and to fucking wake up. He MUST be made to face some consequences.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 19:06

20,000 views, that is just horrific.

OP I understand your concern about money. And I understand you don't want to mess up the kids' Christmas. But, personally I think he should go stay somewhere else until then, he must have a mate's he can bed down at, even if it's not in the area.

If you don't kick him out, he will never grasp the magnitude of what he has done, and his actions will have no consequences for him. You explicitly said how horrible this would be for a woman, and he ignored that.

I simply don't believe him when he says that this is the only site.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 19:09

xpost. He's a lecturer???

I assumed he was not very bright.

In that case there's no excuse.

If it's not down to lack of intelligence, it's total lack of ethics.

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 19:10

I really hope that you are not financially screwed if you split, if you mortgage your home that it is a joint property etc.

The 20,000 views makes my stomach churn tbh.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 19:12

random - I personally do not have a penny to my name. Out of work for the last 3 yrs and we currently don't qualify for any benefits. Only income is OH's salary.

OP posts:
MrsUnderwood · 15/12/2013 19:13

OP, where he goes tonight is not your problem. Kick him out. And I would seriously consider telling someone in real life. This kind of thing happens quite a lot but you have nothing to be embarrassed about- the videos were supposed to be private and you had every expectation they would remain so. Also, your dickfaced husband is relying on your embarrassment so no one will know what he's really like. Please, please kick him out and talk to a friend who you know won't judge you. As for your parents being nosey, if you kick him out, you are under no obligation to explain anything to them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 19:19

You do not sound like a teenager. You trusted a man you had built a life with and who you thought loved you.

Do not worry about not having any money to your name. Get yourself on his account as joint holder and if, hopefully, when you kick this abusive twat out he will have to support you and the children financially.

20,000 fucking hits. Is it a pay per view site? Has he made money put of this?

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 15/12/2013 19:20

He needs an almighty fright, you need to let him know he could potentially lose everything. You, his family, his career. Re the lecturing world, would the board condone this kind of behaviour?

You have no need to feel embarrassed. He betrayed you. Pure and simple.

You must make this clear. If you stay there are no second chances.