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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 17:56

Sad Surely he must not have thought you would see it as a nice surprise? I am guessing his shock is more to do with how angry you are with him than any realization as to what he has done...

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 17:58

I can't tell anyone in my family or any friends. I'm really too embarrassed. I'm not being cold with him as such. I'm talking to him, as I said I want to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. My wee boy is very astute and he's used to Mummy and Daddy laughing and joking. But he will not be getting within a fucking mile of me in bed.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/12/2013 18:02

Where will he be sleeping? Surely not in your bed?

NightOfTheCactus · 15/12/2013 18:02

OP - rather than disrupting yours and your DC's routine, perhaps he could go and stay somewhere for a few days so you have some room to get your head straight. I think that's the least he could do. Also, maybe it would be good to him to have the discomfort of being kicked out of his home for a while to see just what he is jeopardising.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 18:03

Why didn't he tell you?

FFS 20000 men have now seen you without your consent. Jesus. I'm sorry op.

Does he get it in any way yet?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 18:06

I don't know if he's even noticed how many people have seen it. I looked earlier when I came back in and one of the videos is still available (will be asking him to block that one too!) and you could see how many people had viewed it.

I'll probably sleep with DCs tonight.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 18:06

There is another poster here whose partner has been posting videos of her in the shower, getting in and out of bed, etc, to voyeur websites. Please check if he has lots of other more innocent videos of you, as they may also have your face. If both kinds have been posted under the same profile, it wont matter that the explicit dont show your face.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 18:07

"I'll probably sleep with DCs tonight."

How will they not notice if you sleep with them rather than him? Is it not better that you ask him to go away for a few nights? You can always pretend he had to go away for work.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 18:07

I asked him earlier if that was all of them and he said yes, he'd only posted a handful on one site in particular.

Don't know that I believe him though to be honest.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 18:08

I totally get that you feel embarrassed but you have no reason to be embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong.

Your dh should be spending all spare minutes trying to work out how to get the videos removed from the internet. I would personally be deleting all videos that are on any of your devices too.

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 18:08

I'd be telling him he's not welcome in your bed, so is sleeping on the sofa. Or stay somewhere else for a couple of days (could daddy be working away this week? Just to give you some head space, it might finally sink in just what he's risked for his little thrill.)

Have you told him you want all porn you made (no matter how 'tame') deleted? There's no way you can trust him with it after this, best it's all gone.

He could contact the mods for that website, explain thta he posted it without your consent, can they get it deleted, because if not, you'll go to the police. (Also it might help focus his mind if you do point out he's broken the law posting a video of you without your permission, the website are unlikely to want to be inviting the police to poke around on their site and will do it)

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 18:08

OP do you think there'll be any consequence for him after this violation?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 18:09

Quintessiantial - it probably seems like a trivial thing to be thinking of when all of this is going on but we are absolutely skint at the moment, heavily overdrawn so there is no money for a Travellodge or anything else. I'm not concerned with disrupting his routine if that's how it's coming across.....more about us becoming even more overdrawn in our bank account.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 18:09

oh and OP, don't let it be you that is thrown out of your bed, he's the one who's screwed up, he can sleep on the sofa. why should you be put out?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 18:10

He can't even delete them and he even left one unblocked!

Seriously, what is the matter with this man?!

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 18:11

X posts, if you can't afford a hotel, does he have any friends who's sofa he can sleep on? Or his parents, he can work out what he can tell them about why you've thrown him out, I bet he won't tell them the truth, most people hearing that will tell him what a fuckwit he's been...

stooshe · 15/12/2013 18:11

This is why for all the anti "slut shaming" going on, I still think that it is unwise for for females to pose of naked for a camera with their partners. I know, intellectually that one shouldn't expect a third party to see the images, but this is an underground thing that has become mainstream. Meaning a wagon passed and people jumped upon it. I don't think that half of the requests for naked pictures between partners is indicative of any genuine eroticism.
OP you need to report your other half to the Old Bill. What he has done is illegal and a big indicator of what he thinks of you, if not all women. He doesn't care about his kids either....parents who are "out there" (and putting your images up for people to see is "out there"), especially sexually, where their children, mush less partners can be publicly embarrassed, rarely do.

YourHandInMyHand · 15/12/2013 18:12

Shock Feel sick at the thought of this!

How is he in general as a partner, and don't give me that "he's a good dad" line.

He has a higher sex drive than you. He isn't affectionate. You are checking his homework like he's one of your DCS. He convinced you to let him take pictures of you either though you "wasn't keen at first". I bet this isn't the first upload of you in an image or video put out onto the net. 20,000 views! Am also shocked at his comments joking about a blow job. Angry

Tell him he needs to leave while you have time to think. He can stay with a friend/colleague/fellow student/relative. It's his problem where he goes! You can tell the kids and any nosy relatives that he's gone on a course or to do some extra work.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 18:13

I'd rather sleep in beside the DCs to be honest. I'm in bed after them and up before them anyway.

No friends local that he could stay with.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 18:14

Remember the reason he didn't ask you wears because he knew you'd say no.

He went ahead and did it anyway.

Like fuck that's a "good partner"

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 18:16

OP - it's the symbolism that's the problem if you are out of your bed and he's in it, because if you make him leave it (sofa or out of the house altogether) then it's down to you when he's back in. Don't have it be you that withdraws yourself.

The sofa would be definately fine. you have the big bed for youself.

Quoteunquote · 15/12/2013 18:18

OP, I would phone the police and report it,

and make sure they are there while he packs his stuff,

that is not a nice or good man.

RubyGoat · 15/12/2013 18:19

You say you've no money for travellodge etc, & don't want to tell anyone including the kids, that anything is wrong (for now at least). Can you invent a medical problem (migraines, sleep disturbance or similar) that could reasonably explain why he is on the sofa & you are tired/not yourself? Just trying to be practical.

SteeleyeStan · 15/12/2013 18:19

What a horrible thing to happen, OP. I haven't read the whole thread yet, but this would absolutely be a point of no return in the relationship for me.

There are pictures of me out there somewhere too... (Thankfully I've no idea where, but I trust others who say they're there forever). Taken when I was a teenager and mistakenly looked for shelter with a much older guy and really didn't know how to assert my own boundaries. Sad It was a horrible thing from them to do, but this wasn't someone who I had shared my life with and who I thought loved me. What a horrible horrible betrayal.

StellarLights · 15/12/2013 18:22

Put him on the sofa.