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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
joggingalone · 15/12/2013 16:32

This reply has been deleted

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Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 16:32

No, any young woman is vulnerable alone at night in a quiet area, as you'd surely agree. Like stealing bikes or cars, sexual assault is also opportunistic.

Just. Stop. Talking.

GinAndIt · 15/12/2013 16:35

Rape is like nicking a bike? Uh...

Fuck's sake.

OP, I hope you're ok. I think this thread is taking on a life of its own, sadly.

MardyPants · 15/12/2013 16:40

Jogging do you have a daughter? What would you do if she told you someone had posted intimate videos of her online, without her consent, and she was (understandably) devastated? Pat her on the head and say 'it's alright dear, he's probably highly sexed'?

Really?

Totally agree that 'oversexed' is a bullshit phrase, generally used by the sort of person I wouldn't want to be within 50 miles of, to minimise / justify sexual abuse.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I personally couldn't spend 10 seconds in the same room as anyone who did something like this to me, or anyone else for that matter. No matter who they were and what they had previously meant to me. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to offer sympathy and support to you.

Truebadoar · 15/12/2013 16:40

Why do I get the feeling we'll be able to play a game of rape myth bingo soon? Hmm

lollerskates · 15/12/2013 16:41

[young women are] probably most likely to be at risk. And don't ask me to tell you why. You're questioning the obvious

Is it because they're fertile and the primitive man-brain can smell their eggs and wants to impregnate the female?

joggingalone · 15/12/2013 16:50

Twinkelstein - Interesting that you'd never have any worries or concerns about your young daughter walking alone on quiet streets at night, maybe even after having been to a bar and taken a couple of drinks. It says something about you, I suppose.

As for your rant about women not being objects, you clearly did not understand me or didn't want to, yet it's so simple. The point is if an opportunity arises to steal or assault or whatever, there seem to be men not too far away, and surprisingly often not far away, who will grasp that opportunity.
Did you read about the pregnant woman today who was slashed in the face for no reason by someone coming from behind?
Read the papers. Watch the news.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 16:53

jogging and YOU are missing the point that ANYONE walking alone on quiet streets at night can be vulnerable...

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 16:55

and I agree with previous posters that we're kind of getting off subject here...apologies to OP

joggingalone · 15/12/2013 17:00

So is a big, burly, broad shouldered 6'4" guy (and possibly breaking the law by carrying a knife) just as vulnerable as a petite 20 year old woman?
Seems unlikely somehow. But maybe that's just me.

joggingalone · 15/12/2013 17:02

Yes, you derailed me. Away off topic now, as a result. I won't post any more. Have a good evening.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 17:03

how fucking pedantic and uterly ridiculous you sound jogging, and yes, if a homicidal, gun toting hater of 6'4" burly, broad shouldered guys was in the vicinity...then yes

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 17:04

you derailed yourself many posts ago...as someone already said, quit while you're behind

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 17:05

Oh jog along you twat. You seriously think you know more about rape than ANY woman.

Op, until he admits what he has done was completely wrong then I think you're up shit creek without a paddle.
Asking you for a bj on discovery - how hilarious- or actually what he thinks you are for.
I would guess he has a massive porn habit.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 15/12/2013 17:05

Fifty, I'm sorry, I maybe didn't put that bit across correctly. I meant could a solicitor stop him from posting any new material from this date forward?

I know it's too late for the material that's already out there, but if for example the OP decides it's over for their marriage, he can't post any more in a fit of pique?

custardo · 15/12/2013 17:10

OP just wanted to post and say that whatever you plan to do you m~MUST must must get rid of videos and photos

you need to plan this, at first you could try and make it a condition of a reconciliation - get rid of all photos and videos

becuase if you break up - fuck knows where this stuff will end up and who will see it

have seen a disturbing amount of articles about 'revenge porn' recently where womens lifes have been shattered becuase their intimate photos and real life details including employers, address - everything have been posted online

make sure there are no photos in any e-mail to anyone as these have been known to be hacked according to my reading

this would scare the shit out of me tbh, to think that everyone i know in my town would know, that newspapers could get hold of the story and everything

you really need to get rid of the photos and videos now

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 17:11

OK wry I understand you now. And tbh, I don't imagine he'd be doing it again anytime soon. I mean, even though he appears to have so far minimised the violation, and OPs reaction, judging by her tone, and the comment that he was otherwise a good partner, I'm thinking hoping that he'll soon see the massive error of his ways.

FixItUpChappie · 15/12/2013 17:21

I've really considered it OP. I'm not usually one to join the LTB calls......but I don't think I could get past this nor am I sure I would want to get past such a monumental breech of trust and common decency/respect.

I would do as someone suggested and ship kids off to GPs or other relative (if possible). At least your sending a clear message and will have some time to think. I know it's just before Christmas but please don't let that stop you. dealing with this is should be the priority. You will hate yourself for just letting it slide. What your partner did is just wrong and his narcassistic attitude about it speaks volumes.

I'm so sorry your going through this Sad

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 17:21

custardo, good points well made Howver, I don't get the impression from OPs post that he's a vengeful monster, but then again who knows what anyone could/would do in this world. She clearly thought she could trust him not to have done what he's already done. Sad

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 17:22

however

Seabright · 15/12/2013 17:48

fiftyandfab He doesn't sound vengeful now, but breakups make people act badly.

OP How are you doing?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 17:50

Thanks to everyone who has posted on here.

I've been out all day with the kids so only getting a chance to post now.

When he came back in with DS this morning he said he'd tried to remove the videos but was only able to block them and make them private for now. Will need to figure out how to remove them permanently so I'll look into that. I feel quite sick, one of them has been viewed nearly 20,000 times.

I can't believe I'm typing this but he said he thought it would be a surprise ! As though I'd get a buzz knowing all these guys had wanked over me. I suggested that he buy be some perfume or some fucking chocolates next time he thought I'd like a surprise. When I said that he had no idea how serious this was and how I was shaking when I thought about it, I think the penny dropped. He looked a bit "oh no, what the fuck have I done."

I can't pack the kids off to my parents, they live literally 2 secs away from us and besides being very nosey and wanting to know all the ins and outs of what's going on, my Mum is also just recovering from breast cancer. I want to keep things as calm and normal for them to be honest. I'm not in any danger, neither are they. He's been a fucking selfish prick and I have no idea if we have a relationship after this but I see no need to completely mess up the kids Xmas because of his fuck up. I can keep it together for now until I figure out what I'm going to do.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 17:50

Sadly I think jogging is trolling, that is the only explanation why a man can come to a forum of women and compare a woman to a bicycle, and say that rape is nothing more than stealing a bike. Awful. Just awful. It is sickening and offensive reading. But it does tally with his other posts, portraying a woman as an object for a mans pride, gratification and ego boost. I really hope this man does not have children to instill his values on.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 17:53

I can keep it together for now until...

Oh OP, I hope you are ok. We read this again and again and it so often seems to amount to a form of mental torture. Is there anyone close you can confide in so that there is at least one ally in the room when everyone else is wondering why you are being so cold with you other half?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 17:54

20,000? How many of those are you husband?

You sound strong, OP. I hope you will be okay.