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Original poster

How sure were you REALLY before getting married?

154 replies

Trills · 11/12/2013 20:19

Certain as certain can be?

Not really certain but thought "this is probably the best thing to do, on balance"?

Both? As in, recognising that the most certain that someone can be is to think "this is probably the best, with the limited information that I have"

I'm here :o

OP posts:
PicardyThird · 11/12/2013 21:44

Absolutely, completely sure. We married relatively young and relatively early on in our relationship. The wedding wasn't even that exciting, tbh, as it seemed such an entirely natural and logical thing to do. Married 13 years now, had our ups and downs and the odd crisis, but better than ever now.

CarpeVinum · 11/12/2013 21:45

First time (aged 18) - I knew it was the beginning of the end. But there was a part of me determined to do it anyway. With my "now" head that makes no sense. But to my "then" head it made perfect sense.

Second time (aged... 35 or 36 I think) - As certain as one can be without the aid of mind reading superpowers and a crystal ball. We've been together 18 years now, still happy.

vichill · 11/12/2013 21:46

I fell for the idea of stable environment to raise children more than dh. I do still love him 5 years on but don't feel we are that compatible and it's a ticking time bomb.

busylizzie76 · 11/12/2013 21:47

75% - separated after 7 years Hmm

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 11/12/2013 21:48

Saying "100 percent sure" (of what?) sounds wrong somehow, as if it meant you had some kind of magic certainty nothing would ever go wrong. I don't believe anyone can ever be fully certain of what the future will hold, or what strains might be put on even the best marriage by future events.

But if you phrase it as "did I have any doubts", then no I didn't! And (also importantly IMO), nor - to the best of my knowledge - did any of the people who know us best, and the people I trust (who I think had all been wondering for years why we didn't just get on with it Grin). My mum for example had been quite blunt about some of my previous BFs (luckily I agreed with her!), and I trust her judgement, so the fact she was happy for us meant a lot.

Still together Xmas Smile

InTheFace · 11/12/2013 21:49

Absolutely sure. In fact, when I felt pre-wedding jitters, I reasoned that if I was wrong about this, then I would need to rethink everything I know about people.

Two job changes, three house moves, one country move, one DC later, it was the best decision I ever made.

ListWriter · 11/12/2013 21:54

I knew from very early on we would never split up. Been together 10 years now and married for 5. It has not all been plain sailing as we have had to find our way through some massive upheavals but I love him so much and don't think I could function without him.

garlicbaubles · 11/12/2013 21:55

I was most uncertain. My fears were well-founded, it turned out. Still, we had a great party.

ouryve · 11/12/2013 21:55

100% sure.

Twice.

JewelFairies · 11/12/2013 22:15

112% Grin

friendlyduck · 11/12/2013 22:31

100%. What did I know!

ChanelTunel · 11/12/2013 22:40

No doubts at all. A quick breast-feed,off to the registry office,a quick Indian meal...and home! 25 years ago Smile

ElizabethBathory · 11/12/2013 22:44

I reckon about 95% sure, if you mean sure that we should get married and that it would last. Now we've been married three years it's gone up to 100%. But that's with the benefit of hindsight and knowing that I like being married to him.

itsonlyapapermoon · 11/12/2013 22:53

First time round...knew deep down it was a mistake. I was only 20.
This marriage-absolutely certain. He is a gem:)

WillieWagglingRoundTheXmasTree · 11/12/2013 22:57

I'm not married but thinking about it. 100% sure I want to be with dp for the rest of my life. Not 100% sure about the marriage part (historical associations with ownership of women etc) but I feel it provides the commitment and legal protections and responsibilities that I want so why not make use of it

forgetandforgive · 11/12/2013 23:07

11 years ago not strong enough to cancel the wedding and not not strong enough to leave him. Always felt he wasn't the one.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 00:11

I always knew dh was excellent first husband material Grin

Been together ten years now though and haven't got around to trading up yet! Wink

Doearwigsmakechutney · 12/12/2013 00:22

Not nearly sure enough. And dealing with the consequences of that now Hmm

TheSurgeonsMate · 12/12/2013 00:30

Pretty sure. I had to deal with a wedding-eve 'It's not too late to call it off' conversation with my mother Angry and I remember being sure. Not like magical sure as if it was a new level of sureness reserved for marriage, just certain that I was doing the right thing at the time. Marriage still intact, 13years.

NeptuneHill · 12/12/2013 01:16

I wasn't very sure, maybe 60%. But I'm crap at decisions - these days I'm less naïve and try to think logically and do the right thing as my instincts swing from one extreme to another.

But I've always known that DH is wonderful man and I don't want to be without him, despite a lot of ups and downs in the 22 years we've been together. I've had long spells when I've been 100% certain of my decision but I'd be lying if I said I always feel like that.

Having said that, we are both 100% committed to making things work, and we do. We have a great relationship and family life. I'm under no illusion that just because we've lasted 20 years we can relax and assume the next 20 are guaranteed. I see what can happen out of the blue - my dear friend's DH has just traded her in after 30 years. She would have said they were happy and everything was wonderful. No guarantees.

Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 01:18

I was sure and so was DH, but I have a very pragmatic view about life decisions which may or may not be relevant to this discussion.

I could tell you that 30 years on, the fact we're still very happy validates the original decision, but my less romantic view is that in all important life decisions (not just marriage) people have a tendency to make their choices work for them. Sometimes (as we see on this board) that can be a failing, because it takes strength to make a different decision.

In those cases, it's not that the original decision was always wrong either. Assuming you were as rational as possible and took into account all the pros, cons and info known to you at the time, the decision itself was probably as sound as it could ever be. But people change and shit happens and I admire people who've got the courage to make a new decision based on what is essentially new information.

I was far more uncertain about having children, whether to take certain jobs or whether to start up a business than I was about whether to get married and my choice of husband, but like all decisions there's usually a leap of faith involved.

IMO the best decision-makers are people who are as rational as possible, try to make their choices work but who don't beat themselves up if new information comes to light or personal growth and change happen that require a different choice to be made.

cashmiriana · 12/12/2013 01:53

I didn't stop to think about it. We went from friends to lovers to "if we ever get married" to "when we get married" to "please come to our wedding" without any conscious steps, certainly no proposal, etc. The decision just sort of emerged.

We've known each other nearly 20 years, been together 18, married 16, 2 lovely DCs. We've had some tricky moments - but fundamentally we love, respect and fancy each other, and want to make it work.

Kiwiinkits · 12/12/2013 02:36

I was 100% sure he was worth a shot. (Made him travel around the world to win me, and he did, so he passed the test).

Kiwiinkits · 12/12/2013 02:37

Levenheath you are always so wise.

humblebumble · 12/12/2013 02:53

I was very sure and committed to our relationship and family. I did worry he didn't feel the same. However, I blindly went with it, hoping for the best but having a gut feeling that he didn't feel the same as me. It seems I was right, after 11 years. He has left. We have two small children that miss him too.