Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Now that is an interesting comment, camaleon. Very interesting. How can I not keep it to myself, though? It's a wound which hurts whenever I breathe. How can I inflict that pain on anyone else.

Have you been in this position. What do you think you would do if you found out that your spouse was being unfaithful?

I actually do disagree with you about "bringing up children in a big fat lie so you don't have to face the consequences" - because if you bring up the children together, there are no consequences so there is no lie.

If you won't confront for your own sake what about your kids? I bet they have saw /heard - do you think that won't negatively impact them?

Tombakerscarf, that really does cheer me up. Seriously.

Hi OP I think you can save your marriage and are quite right to think logically and behave reasonably. An emotional confrontation will not get you anywhere - you know your DW is having an affair so why have the big argument?

This can be harder for a man than for a woman as your DW is likely to have the house and DC if you split - 'tis the way of the world regardless of fault as the DC come first and usually it is the woman who has done the lion's share of childcare and is in a position to continue to do so (eg you couldn't have your job away and do day-to-day childcare). Lots of MNers don't think that through - yes, you would have back your "honour" by not having an unfaithful wife but you would have lost an awful lot too - your home and your children.

Anyway, you say you love your wife and also that she works hard at work and with the DC. She is probably knackered and looking for validation and escape with Mr Cokehead. You need to get to the bottom of her unhappiness and find some other way to solve it within the marriage. Talk to her about how she feels about the marriage, and herself - no need to mention what you know. She would probably like a solution too that doesn't involve a situation she knows to be unsustainable and will end in tears.

Good luck.

Just read the whole thread. Awful position to be in, husband, but you must listen to the consensus view, which is that you must confront your wife, particularly if you want to save your marriage. ]

She is treating you with contempt. She doesn't respect you. She has brought another man into the family home and shagged him on the sofa while your young children were asleep upstairs.

It doesn't even sound like she's been particularly subtle about it.

If you avoid the issue, you are sending a very clear message that you don't really mind all that much if she sleeps with other men. This is unlikely to increase her respect for you. Same if you pussyfoot around dropping hints that you know. Shows you don't feel that you really deserve to demand that she be straight with you.

Bob, it is predicted, will be off like the wind if he thinks you're on to him. Not because he's physically afraid of you, but because he quite likes coming round to shag your wife on the sofa from time to time, but doesn't want her and the two children on a full-time basis. Would you really want your wife to stay with you just because you're the only remaining option, or because she has searched her soul and realises that she really wants to be with you and deeply regrets ever having jeopardised it?

What I'd do in your shoes is go home tonight and tell her that you know about her and Bob. Don't reveal your sources. Tell her you want to know absolutely everything and if her version falls short of what you already know to be the case, you're leaving. Being totally honest with you right now, you must stress, is the only way you will even consider staying in the marriage. Then ask her to go away somewhere for the weekend (without the boys) to give you time to think. You have to get her out of the house to bring it home to her what she's risking. If you want the marriage to work, you have to get HER fighting to save it.

All the best. I know it won't be pretty, but you're playing the long game here.

Gimmeda, they're young enough for this to escape their attention for the time being, except for the odd footstep. Of course, it will all become rather awkward if we have a "Daddy, why was that man lying on top of Mummy?" moment.

Again... I've been where you are now. You're in shock, hurting and you are prepared to do ANYTHING to keep the wheels on the cart. And I mean anything. You're rationalising like crazy how you can keep your family together. She can have her lovers, you won't say a word. If you say that she has to junk the lover it makes you a bully. She does lots around the house and you work away so that makes you a bad husband. Your kids will go off the rails if your family breaks up so what does it matter than you spend the next 30 or 40 years with your heart broken and knowing she's lying as she smiles at you.

I know this... I've done it.... You want to 'un-know' what you've found out and pretend it's all OK. It's not.

At some point the shock is going to wear off and you're going to get either properly angry or properly depressed. Resentment will creep in. You might take the next kind woman up on the offer of a roll in the hay. You could end up drinking too much or going to the GP for some anti-depressants. She's fine and the kids are fine and Bob the Builder goes on his merry way and there's you, left alone and wondering who the fuck you are any more.

IMO the long game involves NOT putting you and your DW in the humiliating position of full disclosure. You know enough. She may well guess at some point that you know something. Leave it like that if you both want to retain the dignity you will need to keep the marriage going.

You are both living a lie at the moment. There are consequences. You are trying to ignore them, which is a human reaction. However, yours is lasting too long. Your children will grow up with a 'model' of family. You don't only provide a home to kids. You are shaping their views on relationships and how grown ups face challenges.

I have been cheated in the past; not by my husband. I have no idea what I would do if I discovered he was cheating on me. I would not pretend I did not know and allow him to sleep with another woman in my house with my kids in it with the hope that this he will get bored of the sex and life will go back to 'normal'. That is 100 per cent sure.

"Angry bollocks"

Sorry. Granted you have had a massive shock, but you need to wake up, and stop thinking about what your wife deserves. And talking about what your kids deserve? You dont seem overly concerned with your kids to be honest. Not sure what you are concerned about really, aside from how you can continue the status quot and brush all of this under the carpet.

Maybe some counselling would help.

Lots of people need to live a part for periods of time due to work. They dont invite every builder/plumber that shows them interest into the marital bed. This says a lot about your wife's character and judgement. You need to take the rose tinted spectacles off. At the moment your posts just read as if you are thriving on the drama and the martyrdom and quite enjoy all of this.

Profplum and Fetchez, thank you for your well reasoned and completely contradictory pieces of advice. I think I prefer Plummy's advice simply because (1) I can't go home tonight (2) it's not true that "total honesty is the only way I'll even consider staying" (3) no way could I throw my wife out of the house even for the weekend and (4) Plum's right. I don't care about "honour" and "being right". I care about her.

" I care about her."

Well, if that is true, let her have her fun with the builder, give her free reins, but can your kids move in with you? Surely you have a home of some sort in Edinburgh?

Agreed, I'm throwing ideas around and in danger of sounding like I'm Jesus on the Cross for the sins of the world.

Plum's got it on the nose. Humiiliation is not the way forward for anyone.

OK, thanks everybody, more comments will be welcome but I think the right thing for me to do is to make it right in my marriage while not demanding details. Not quite sure how to make it clear that I don't want her to have an affair while not mentioning it as such, but I'll just have to think about that.

Cogito, your last comment was also very interesting. I've got to try and put the wheels properly back on the cart while it's still moving - before I get too depressed, or angry, or have an affair myself to add to my guilt.

Nice sequins.

Oh and thanks for ruining my dinner with your highly descriptive accounts of searching for "evidence". Utterly grim.

Yes, it felt like I was inside a horror movie.

sorry if I am missing something here but these posts are all about what YOU can do OP about your wife's affair. Without speaking to her about it you have no idea of it is a quick fling for want of a better word or if she is perhaps screwing Bob with a view to use it as a get out clause.
There is little point in suggesting counselling without having the conversation first about the state of your marriage.

Look if this is by any stretch of the imagination actually happening, then I can't say I am surprised. Where's your self respect? You may think you're playing the long game but you're not. When this fizzles out, all that will happen is she will feel awful and guilty and wonder how she could ever have done it........for a few months and then she will do it again, because once you've done it once it gets easier every time and you start craving that excitement and attention. Grow some balls and read her the riot act. That is the only way you'll end up getting even a smidgen of the outcome you say you want.

husband, could I please make an observation? You have been posting on here for over 5 hours now, and have made nearly 100 posts.

You are clearly not getting any work done, so your presence in the office is not essential.

If you had asked your employer for the day off, in those 5 hours you could have made the 2 hour drive home and spent 3 hours talking to your wife, and continued to talk to her this evening once your kids are in bed. You could then have driven back tomorrow morning.

If I'm honest I think your wife knows you will never leave her. I mean she hasn't been very careful in hiding this if you can access and read her emails?

Do you believe she married you out of convenience, were you the safe option? The one to provide and take care of her.

She is quite obviously lonely. I would be if my husband worked away. But I would never ever cheat on him, I love and respect him too much.

You need to ask her to end it. Now. You need that for your own sanity. You obviously want to make your marriage work so ask her what she needs and then make steps towards it.

if a woman posted saying she had found all this evidence , she would be told to confront, make her husband leave and give her time and space to think about what she wants, plus make him see the result of his actions.

I think you need to draw a clear line in the sand here - tell her you know, tell her it is unacceptable and if this is how she wants to continue you are gone. And you need to mean it. I know you are in denial, you want to fix this, but she has broken her vows and her promise to you - she has to repair this, you cannot make her do anything at all. She has to want to, and she has to realise what she has potentially lost. Anything less and she will never respect you again, and will continue with either him or the next available bloke.