Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Taking some of these points:

Sparkly: she's got the opportunity at the moment because I'm not home. When I'm home she'll have less opportunity to stray and that will count for something.

MrsSoak, good point, I need to know where wife is coming from.

Oldmacdonald, good point; But I'd not have time for a heart to heart, really, would I? Not have time to sort anything out, just time for an argument, a denial, or even worse, catching them in the act.

Cocky: I didn't say I can read her emails, I said I had seen some of them before they were deleted. The only reason I looked was because I suspected somthing. I think she thinks I'm OK about them being friends. I think she thought in the beginning that they could just be friends. Yes, I may well have been the safe option and in exchange for excitement she gets the mortgage paid and she gets cared for. At the moment I'm not able to do enough of the caring, just the providing, and quite rightly that isn't enough for her. You're absolutely right that I need to find out what she needs and make sure I provide it.

Sandy, but I would never leave her.

It won't work. Being a martyr won't work. Your wife has lost respect for you and the nicer you are, the calmer you are, the more she will push. I spent 2 years being reasonable and going to counselling and deciding what behaviours i could and couldn't tolerate and my Ex just took more and more rope until I couldn't look myself in the mirror any more. He still says 'but you ended it, not me' ten years on.
If you want to take back the respect you need to earn it. Clearly being a good provider and doing the right thing financially isn't enough. She needs something immediate and available. Someone to share her day to day issue swith....and you aren't there.
You need to confront her but not necessarily in a calm and considered 'work this out between the two of you and then come back to the marriage when you are ready' way. In a 'I love you and this cannot go on'. Give her an ultimatum. Punch him on the nose. tell her family (though not yours obviously) so they can keep an eye on her.
Do it this weekend. Don't wait for Christmas, or until you have another job closer to home. Take the day off tomorrow and do it tonight.

...and get that STI check.

Momb. Your first paragraph hits home. I think I need to be able to there before I confront. Otherwise, I'm not going to be able to make things better.

(As for the STD checkup, I'm not sleeping with any third parties, so what's the point?)

YEA GODS. STD check needed because you are still having sex with your wife who isn't being exclusive.

You know the more I read the more I think that fidelity cannot be a big deal to you, which is fine - it isn't the be all and end all for some people, but it does make me question why you have started this thread?

Why are you continuing? Just have an open marriage and be done with it. No more drama....

It seems to me you have both checked out of this marriage. You don't seem to be emotionally involved and she is seeking solace outside of it. I don't think you are being entirely honest.

so she could have 100 affairs, have no respect for you and treat you like utter crap and you would never leave her?? I have no words....

Is it really possible that a sexually active adult doesn't know the harm caused by untreated sexually transmitted infections?

Really?

How the heck are you not going to choke on your turkey seriously?
Sit down and open your presents on the sofa he has been drilling your wife on, really?
You need to find a bit of self respect from somewhere.

You have spent the entire day trying to work out what you want but you have no idea at all what she wants. You won't either unless you speak to her ffs.
I think you need to prepare yourself that the answer isn't you.

Is it home time yet? I guess your boss isn't in the same room?

As an aside....if this WAS for real, and the OP's wife was a MNer, she would surely recognise herself here with the detail that's been given!!

agreed PoS!

I really can't understand why you are so calm and accepting of this situation.

Yes, I guess your wife feels lonely during the week, she feels she does all the work around the house and organises the children and she's found a hunky builder to satisfy that loneliness and lack of sex.

Personally, and this is harsh, but I think she wants you to man up and fight for her. She wants a strong man, not a pushover.

I know you don't want to leave her, but at this rate, she's going to waltz right over you and OUT the door. And you'll stand at the door and sigh....

I think you need to take a deep breath and crack on. If she is what you want, then you need to go and get her.

It may not work out the way you want, but you are going to lose her anyway if you do nothing.

Good luck

Oh op tis so sad.

I agree with prof plum. Tip; if you approach her don't believe everything she says. She's likely hurt guilty angry humiliated and could lash out. Tbh if she's quiet I'd be worried. Then it could be more serious. I also advise NOT talking until you speak to a solicitor. I'm sorry but the needs of the boys are paramount; druggy new boyfriend etc. DO NOT be nice and walk away. Work on the idea of saving all but for gawds sake be ready to do something if it does go south.

Anything less is irresponsible.

I think your user name pretty much sums it up pile.

I'm totally involved. Totally. Fidelity is very important to me. But I accept that a slip has happened and because I want the marriage to work I want the fidelity to re-start.

Sandy, what's the point of pride? As Marcellus Wallace said, it never helps, it only hurts.

Leavenheath. Actually, I've only ever be sexually active on a very monogamous level, so no I don't know the harm caused by untreated STDs. Is there really any harm if there's no symptoms? Other than infertility, maybe, and, well, my wife and I have had our children.

Assuming this is for real...

OP you need to grow a backbone. The more you carry on with all this ineffectual, indecisive handwringing the more I can see why your wife is fed up with you and attracted to Bob the Builder.

Um...aids? Herpes? To name two with further reaching consequences than you are considering.

It ain't all just an itch ya know....

LOL @ Marcellus Wallace...that's exactly what this thread is....PULP FICTION!

Loggins. Log off. Pileofshit. Go eat a shit. Fiftyandfab. She doesn't use the internet very much. If she sees this then maybe she'll realise it's similar to her case. Everything in it is true and maybe I have given too much information. I can use literary and film quotations, can't I? Frankly, it is a relief to be getting all this off my chest.

Minnie, that's a terrible thought about seeing a solicitor even before I try to get things to work ! Why?

And that's another terrible thought that there can be STDs with no symptoms (though it's hard to see how they can do any harm in that case). But I suppose that people who know about these things know about these things. Shit.

Thanks everybody. It's teatime now. You've been helpful. At least I feel like I can actually eat something, I've not been able to finish a meal for the last couple of weeks, which has at any rate been doing wonders for my weight.

Even if I'm now getting a mental itch in my penis. You're getting me worried about something I'd not even thought about.

Husband, if you're for real, then I can understand that you might be desperate for your relationship to work, and not break up the family. But weakness is very unattractive - if you allow your wife to carry on this affair, without you confronting her, then you're just making it worse.

You need to talk to her, about her feelings, her intentions and how you can work through this. It won't work with just one of you trying, it is meant to be a partnership. She's showing you zero respect at the moment. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm trying to help, but are you always this weak? Maybe this has bred contempt in her which is why she's treating you like this. You need to make a change. Good luck.

"And that's another terrible thought that there can be STDs with no symptoms (though it's hard to see how they can do any harm in that case). "

Are you for real? Many cancers don't present symptons....that doesn't diminish the 'harm'!

Mary, you probably have a point. I'm in a position of weakness, though. I need to get home permanently before I can be stronger.