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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:11

Today I didn't wear my wedding ring, just to see how it felt.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:13

Albert, OK, I know. I know. Factually true, if you want to phrase it that way. But I don't have to draw the same conclusion.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 15:14

If what you're saying is that this is just a marriage of convenience for the two of you then it makes more sense that you don't seem all that bothered about her behaviour on the one hand and, on the other, you're half contemplating hooking up with someone else yourself. Is that how you want to take things forward? Would you be happy to leave everything unsaid and both of you just see other people and be married in name only? Is that why you work away from home in the first place?.... not to have affairs but because you don't actually get along so well when under the same roof?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:18

Cogito. No, I don't want to take things forward that way, but it would be very easy to do so. I feel it would be wrong to do so, though. Better to perservere and to try to make something of what we still have.

Working away from home was because I'd had a really bad job experience and wanted to move the whole family to pastures green. Mistake. Perhaps that's part of why my wife decided to dig her heels in and not to move, though she'd initially said she'd give it a try (which, fine, moving is as much her decision as mine, more so really).

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:19

Though, Cogito, I think it would be better to remain in a marriage of convenience than to divorce. At least we would have the children together with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:23

(of course, a marriage of convenience has to be mutually convenient)

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:24

but for the avoidance of any doubt. I LOVE MY WIFE.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:24

which makes me think that a marriage of convenience might be difficult.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 15:32

You may love her but what does love mean to you? You see... to most people it's wrapped up with things like respect, affection, honesty, support, equality. You may be thinking at the moment that you're able to look past her affair and still feel all those things.... fair enough. But what do you think she feels for you? And, if it doesn't include respect, honesty and so forth, are you going to be content with that? Do you feel you don't deserve more?

Cabrinha · 11/12/2013 15:36

So she didn't want to move, you did... it wasn't forced by economics, and as a result she's been a single parent in the week, and not had her husband with her?
I'm aware that sounds like I'm excusing her... I'm not. She could simply be a bitch. But - I'm seeing reasons for resentment here, and mentally leaving a marriage. I suspect - well, I'm sure - that there's lots more to both of your feelings.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:36

It's not about what I deserve. It's about what the children deserve, what my wife deserves, and the promises we've made to each other, and which we can keep even if they have been broken. I don't just mean marriage vows, it would be the same if we were an unmarried couple with ten years' history. If I can get happiness out of it, that's a plus.

I'm sure there's respect, affection, support; equality? I'll never be her equal. Honesty? I'd rather say Trust.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:38

It wasn't forced by economics, totally, though I'm earning £20K more down here than I could up there. And the transport and accommodation doesn't rip more than £10K of that away. Oh, yeah, there's good reason for resentment on her part.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:40

Of course I'm mixed up, tombakerscarf. I've tried to do good but done wrong. The atmosphere is OK at weekends so I'm hoping it will be OK over Xmas.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:41

Yes, but she does everything for the home and the children, I just go and work. Of course I'm her equal, though not in common sense.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:43

But is it fair to expect her to put an instant end to her affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:44

I mean, she needs to. I need her to finish her affair. But it's just me being a bully if I'm not home for her.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredemma · 11/12/2013 15:45

But is it fair to expect her to put an instant end to her affair?

For real????????

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:46

No, I don't have a plan. Frankly at the moment I just want to be there, to make her see that I'm there, that I love her, that I can be enough for her, so that she doesn't need to have the lover any more. Maybe it's a pipedream.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 15:47

Well, yes, for real! I mean, if I were having an affair, which I'm not, and my wife demanded that I end it immediately, but she wasn't going to come and live with me again for a couple of months, how would I feel?

OP posts:
camaleon · 11/12/2013 15:48

Not sure what you are scared of here? The kids are not a good excuse. Bringing up children in a big fat lie is so you don't have to face the consequences of what is happening is extremely selfish. Nothing to be admired.

I understand you are very confused and trying to ignore what life has thrown at you. When I knew my father was about to die very suddenly many years ago, I refused to enter my house for a good while. I did not want to know (even if I already knew just looking at the person who open the door for me).

You have known about this for a while and you keep watching. I would not trust you either if I was your wife and I knew you could keep this to yourself. Your relationship is very strange indeed.